Steve Warz: Trilogy 9
by The Compendium of Steve
Summary: Even with the galaxy returned to normal, Sylvia Ssi-Ruuk remains despondent over the loss of her husband. But after much waiting, she and the rest of the Jedi will journey to distant realms to find Squishy and bring him home. What trials will await them, and will they be successful? They mustn't hesitate. (Transcribed by the rather distracted overmind2000)
1. Episode 1

_The coup had had been swift and brutal, like any other Ssi-Ruuvi matter in those days._

 _Following constant failures in expanding our Imperium, coupled with growing dissent in regards to the doctrines of our core religion, the ruling noble and religious castes were overthrown and ousted in their entirety. The majority of them had fled or been exiled, though a good many were outright executed._

 _When I think on that, I sometimes feel lucky that me and my brother had been born into the winning caste._

 _However, while Lwhekk had been freed from centuries of fanatical tyranny, we were left with no clue as to what to do next. There were discussions for brokering peace with other worlds, while a fair many just wanted to stay at home and rebuild in the wake of what happened._

 _At that time, the idea of a democratic age for our people left many bewildered, uncertain. This funnily enough made for an unsteady peace among the remaining castes. But it wasn't bound to last when the shock of it all inevitably wore off._

 _How amazingly fortunate that an opportunity presented itself only a week after the coup, in a way no one could have possibly imagined._

 _The day that He showed up…_

 _That's when things truly changed._

* * *

 **Steve Warz**

 **Episode [Unity]:**

 **The Search Begins**

 _The galaxy had just been through Hell. It had been ravaged by the fearsome, merciless Financer. The Great Devastator, as the citizens of the Republic came to remember him as, had nearly succeeded where the Contractor had always failed: the complete unraveling and destruction of_ **everything** _. But, in a miraculous turnaround, the galaxy was spared a fate of oblivion, though at great cost: The sacrifice of the galaxy's most famed Jawa, Squishy. However, this hadn't dampened the celebratory spirit of the restored Republic and citizen, which have gone on living months after that fateful event. Everyone was very content with having everything back to normal._

 _But one of them wasn't…_

 _Sylvia Ssi-Ruuk, wife of the dearly departed Squishy, had survived creation's end and lost her soulmate in the process. Following a final promise made with her beloved, Sylvia had been going to one spot day after day for hours at a time: The place where the two first met. For months she had returned to that spot and waited the same number of hours every day, hoping to see her husband come around the bend. But Squishy had yet to reappear, and Sylvia's hope was slowly beginning to wane. Her sad devotion had begun to worry the Jedi and her family. Unless something happens soon, she may end up a lost soul in love's twisted design, cast adrift in a sea of sorrow. Inconsolable, forevermore..._

(Waves. Sand. We're on a beach before a vast ocean. The only things on the beach are a lone boulder and an odd lanky red-scaled reptilian: Sylvia Ssi-Ruuk. She stands by the rock, staring out at the great ocean, cast in magnificent orange by the setting sun. She remains silent as she continues to look out to the waters, before dropping her head and sighing)

Sylvia: (In thoughts) Nothing. Just like yesterday, and every other day. Where are you? Why haven't you come back? You said this spot, but it's been so long. What is it that's keeping you? Or are you truly… No, I can't think like that. But, each day it gets harder to believe. I just don't know…

(Dejected, she turns away from the water and walks slowly up the beach. At the far end of it, by a small motorboat, is whale mech Duff McWhalan and his right-hand Launch Octopus. They spot Sylvia approaching)

Launch: She's coming back alone again.

Duff: (Sighs) I thought as much…

Launch: How many months has it been since she started coming here?

Duff: Close to four, my friend. She has been holding steady to that hope of his return, much as the sailor's widow holding a vigil. I doubt he'll come back at this point, to be frank, and based on the fatigue being etched on her face following each day, it seems she's coming to that same conclusion.

Launch: Ah, but it can't be completely hopeless. Weird stuff has always happened around here. Hey, even how we got here was pretty weird.

Duff: That I agree with, Octopardo. There just may still be a chance that he will return, though a very slim one.

Launch: Well, slim is better than none.

Duff: I suppose. (Sylvia reaches them. Duff gets formal) Evening, ma'am.

Sylvia: Just get me back to port.

Duff: Of course.

(Some time later, we turn to a landing pad atop a floating city. Sylvia is walking across it, and coming from a nearby shuttle to greet her is another red-scaled Ssi-Ruuk: her brother Steezy)

Steezy: Hey sis. No luck?

Sylvia: (Sighs) No luck…

Steezy: Too bad. But there's still tomorrow. C'mon, let's get back home.

Sylvia: Yeah…

(Later we see the two on a ship slowly moving through space. Steezy is piloting and Sylvia is in the passenger seat, looking depressed)

Steezy: You know, sis, you've been lookin' pretty down lately.

Sylvia: I'm just tired.

Steezy: No, that's not it. These past few weeks, you've been sleeping most of the day before heading out. What's bothering you?

Sylvia: It's nothing…

Steezy: Not buying it. Something's on your mind. It's Squishy, isn't it?

Sylvia: I'm always thinking about Squishy. That's why I keep coming out here.

Steezy: There's something more to that. Been having doubts?

Sylvia: What?

Steezy: Are you starting to think he's not coming back?

Sylvia: Don't say that! But... yeah. I'm starting to wonder… But I have to keep checking. I promised.

Steezy: Sis, this isn't healthy for you. You can't keep coming out here thinking there will be something there, but finding nothing. It's starting to wear you down.

Sylvia: What do you know? You don't know what it's like to lose someone special to you.

Steezy: I know more than you think. Squishy was like a brother to me. I'm feeling the same as you are.

Sylvia: No you're not! You weren't there, Steezy! You weren't there holding his hand, crying, begging him not to do it. You know nothing about what I've seen and been through!

Steezy: Now you're being unfair. I was held up with being dead, remember? But if I was there, I'd be backing you up and totally begging all the same.

Sylvia: But you weren't! And because of that, this is strictly my concern and no one else's. He said he would return there, and I'll keep going back again and again. I'm the one he expects to see him come back home.

Steezy: That's not it—

Sylvia: What did you say?

Steezy: That can't be his one way of coming back. He probably made you make that promise to calm you down. You must have been all hysterical and he wanted you to cool off before… he did what he had to do.

Sylvia: How could you say such a thing? He'd never do something like that just to calm me down! What kind of person do you take me for?

Steezy: The kind who needs some sense talked into her! (They both go silent, glaring out the viewport and not looking at each other. After a bit, Steezy lets out a breath) I'm sorry, Sylvia. I just want to help you, like any brother would.

Sylvia: Whatever…

(After some more uncomfortable silence)

Steezy: Look at it this way: How would Squishy think of you right now? You two have been together for several years. By now he knows that you're strong, friendly, very protective of your family, and level-headed, although you tend to get emotional in the heat of the moment—

Sylvia: You're one to talk.

Steezy: Exactly, because we're brother and sister. Anyway, he should also know that you're someone who goes in and takes action when it's called for. Do you honestly believe he would just expect you to sit back and do nothing this whole time, never trying anything to get him back?

Sylvia: …

Steezy: Just think about it for a bit. You might figure something out. You know I care a lot about you. The rest of us do. I just don't want to see you become some shadow of the kind of person you really are.

Sylvia:...Yeah…

Steezy: We're all a little stressed here. How bout we stop at Home One for the night? Head for a home tomorrow.

Sylvia: Sure…

Steezy: Alright. I'll just change course and we'll be set.

(Sometime later. On board Home One, we see Sylvia looking out a large corridor window. She looks reflectively out over the wide field of the celestial spectrum, Steezy's words echoing through her head)

 _How would Squishy think of you right now?_

 _Do you honestly believe he would just expect you to sit back and do nothing this whole time, never trying anything to get him back?_

(She stands there a bit longer. Then she closes her claws and walks off. After a while we turn to an office. At the back of it is a tidy wooden desk with the placard "Head Technical Officer" on top of it. Behind the desk, someone is rummaging around some boxes. A person's shadow appears over the desk)

Tech Off: No time to be bothered right now. I'm busy looking for the General's "Massage" devices that he left in here, before they stink up the place. (The Mon Cal looks up at the person) Oh, Ms. Sylvia. This is certainly a surprise. What brings you to my humble, if cramped office?

Sylvia: I want all the data, observations, anything you got about that one wormhole from four years ago.

Tech Off: What for? I find it odd you would want something like that. Also, it's pretty restricted information. I don't think it would be a good idea to—

Sylvia: NOW!

Tech. Off: Waah! (Falls into the boxes with a crash)

* * *

 _And thus, Sylvia's plan was put into motion. However, its setup would have intrigued and confounded her fellow Jedi and immediate family, thus it was done in utmost secrecy. On the day of its unveiling, the true depths of trust between everyone would be put to the test. Whether they would hold or break… We shall see._

* * *

(The middle of space. There is a lone, small space platform. Onboard in a large room the walls are lined with monitors and immense CPU banks. Technicians run about the place helter-skelter as though preparing for something. In the cleared center of the room is a large device on the floor. Nearby, Sylvia and the Tech. Officer are chatting)

Sylvia: How's everything?

Tech. Off: The calibrations are all set. We're right where the hole was.

Sylvia: As for opening it?

Tech. Off: After all the calculations and hours of work put into this latest endeavor, we should be able to create a good-sized dimensional tear.

Sylvia: Excellent.

(Suddenly the other Jedi and the three Jaa-Ruuk siblings barge in, followed by Steezy)

Jo: Sylvia, just what the heck are you up to? Overseeing some kind of space project without approval from the Jedi Council, i.e. the rest of us? Usually that's grounds for apprehension or exile, but frankly I'm curious.

Anna: As are the rest of us, so spill the beans, will ya?

Stan: Yeah Mom, what's going on?

Sylvia: I'm simply following your uncle's advice, is all.

Steezy: My what?

Sylvia: Remember? I shouldn't be sitting around; gotta try something? Well I'm definitely trying something right now.

Cope: And what pray tell is that?

Sylvia: I'm going to go after Squishy myself.

All: Say what!?

Rick: Mother you can't be serious!

Steezy: I don't remember telling you to do anything like that!

Sylvia: You didn't, but I'm doing it regardless.

Anna: But how? Squishy just vanished: that's exactly how you put it!

Will: Yeah, so how are you gonna find someone that just up and vanished?

Sylvia: Simple: I vanish after him.

Sally: Huh?

Sara: I don't follow.

Sylvia: You remember how all those years ago me and Squishy went through that wormhole, and how sometime later we got those shoes from the Sonic universe? Thanks to the help of the Admiral's head technician, we might be able to open a hole big enough for me to go through. If Squishy's alive, he's bound to be somewhere on the other side.

Cope: And how are you sure of his being there?

Sylvia: I'm not, but it's as close to "the other side" that I can think of. And it certainly beats waiting.

Anna: Madness, I say.

Sara: Who'll come with you?

Sylvia: No one; it'll just be me.

All: Wha!?

Jo: Double Madness!

Anna: Indubitably my good Joseph!

Steezy: What's come over you, sis!?

Rick: Why alone?

Sylvia: Please understand. For the past several months, you had to put up with me moping around and being all moody, worrying for me all the while. And while I appreciate the efforts you made in getting me out of that funk, this is a problem of mine that I intend to fix by myself. I don't want to burden you with even more of my troubles.

Steezy: No way, sis! You're not going alone on this. I'm coming with you.

Sylvia: No, Steezy. I've already lost you once before, and I don't want to lose you as a result of my doing. I just couldn't live with myself if that happened.

Jo: Then let us come along. With all the crap we've dealt with over the years, we're the most qualified to handle whatever's waiting.

Sylvia: No, Jo, I just said—

Will: That's not good enough. I'll go regardless of what you think you feel about it. Guilt and regret has a way of making you do dumb things. Plus, that was a total dick move you and Squishy pulled in ditching us the last time, so consider this recompense.

Sylvia: But Will—

Sara: I can't very well let my mountain man of a hubby go without me looking out for him.

Anna: And if my fellow battlesister's going, then count me in as well!

Cope: As this will no doubt be a majority ruling decision, I'll tag along regrettably as well, while also praying for a shift to a more traditional imperialistic way of governance.

Jo: In that case, my ravishing good looks will make me the Jedi King, and I'll still say we're all going.

Cope: Curses…

Stan: And we're coming too, Mom.

Sally: Yeah!

Sylvia: No. Kids—

Rick: He's our father. We miss him a lot, as well.

Stan: You being depressed is as much our problem as yours. So we're gonna back you up and get Dad back here much quicker.

Sally: And it's like I always say: Lizards of a scale will always wail... on others.

Stan: Man, you stink at making up sayings.

Sally: Bite me, bro.

Anna: So whaddya say, Sylvy?

Jo: We're coming no matter what, so you best accept us and make it easier.

(Pause, then)

Sylvia: You guys… (Smiles warmly) It definitely wouldn't be right doing it a second time to all of you. Alright, let's go together.

Steezy: Sweet! High adventure for everyone!

Sylvia: Sorry, but you still aren't coming.

Steezy: (Caught off guard) Huuuh!?

Jo: Yeah man. Things are bound to be dangerous wherever we're going, and you don't have Force powers.

Will: You'd just slow us down.

Steezy: What?! No I wouldn't! I held my own against the Financer, you know!

Cope: And look where that landed you.

Steezy: Man, you guys are hecka unfair! Way uncool!

Jo: Just hold the fort down for us while we're gone.

Sally: Yeah uncle Steezy. We'll come back in a jiffy, so don't worry.

Steezy: Oh, fine. But I'll hold you all to that.

Tech. Off: Uh, Lady Sylvia? The station has stored up enough power. We're ready to attempt rift formation when you give the word.

Sylvia: Go ahead. I'm ready.

Jo: We're all ready.

Stan: Kupblah!

Tech. Off: Okay… I still have some doubts, but nothing ventured nothing gained. (Puts on a custom welder's mask and grabs a wall lever) Commencing Activation!

(Throws the switch. There are machine startup noises that start deafening the room. The lights begin dimming and the place starts shaking. The shaking steadily gets more intense)

Tech. Off: Steady… Steady…

(After more shaking, everything abruptly becomes still again as a 7 foot-wide portal of shimmering white light blasts into appearance in the middle of the room)

Tech. Off: (Tossing off mask) Eureka! We've done it! We've made an actual transdimensional portal! Ha HAA! Oh, just imagine all the leaps in scientific inquiry and exploration we can achieve with this success!

Jo: Blow this thing to shreds when we go through. This galaxy is weird enough as it is, and I don't want anything else messed up coming here.

Tech. Off: Huh? Are you mad? After all this work and you expect me to destroy this miraculous piece of hardware?!

Anna: Not just that: Everything you've got written down about it. We gotta consider the loonies in our galaxy getting hold of this kind of tech as well.

Tech. Off: (Sighs defeatedly) I suppose. It's not really my place to question the wisdom of you particular Jedi. But if I may ask, how will you come back if I close the portal?

Will: (Smirks) We'll find a way.

Jo: If Squishy and Sylvia were able to get back here no problem once before, it should be no thang.

Sylvia: Well, there was a bit more to it, but… (shrug) Eh.

Sally: Just believe! (Idol pose)

Tech. Off: (Nods) Very well, you have my word. Though, it's still a mighty shame to just—

Anna: Great to hear, buddy pal. (Turns to Sylvia) You ready to do this, Sylvia?

Sylvia: (Firm nod) Yes. Let's go.

(The Jedi walk up before the portal)

Steezy: You stay alive out there, capiche?

Anna: That's my word!

Sara: We'll be fine.

Rick: Count on it.

(Sylvia steps forward from the group to stand before the portal. She studies it a bit)

Sylvia: So… This is it. It's now or never.

Jo: You sure you're up for this? There's no coming back. Right away, at least.

Sylvia:…No hesitations. I'm coming for you... Squishy.

Sally: Yahoo! Let's do this!

Cope: Save the exuberance for later.

(Sylvia steps into the portal, then is followed by the others before the whole screen flares into white, then goes completely black)

* * *

(~Hikari-Kingdom Orchestra Instrumental~)

 _Thinking of you wherever you are._

 _We pray for our sorrow to end,_

 _And hope that our hearts will blend._

 _Now I will step forward to realize_

 _This wish._

 _And who knows:_

 _Starting a new journey may not be so hard_

 _Or maybe it has already begun._

 _There are many worlds,_

 _But they share the same sky:_

 _One sky, One destiny._

 _And along the way,_

 _I'll shape my own story._

 _One that I will share with,_

 _Just for you…_

 **COSMIC**

 **HEARTS**

The Red Waltz of

Reunion

\- An SJ & W

Envisioning®

* * *

Verse 1

The Beginning

— It was a typically foggy, overcast day. However, something was amiss in the sky. An omen?

* * *

(They're falling fast and screaming. They flop through the air trying to slow their descent, but only look silly doing it. Not helped by the fact they look to be rendered in 16 bit graphics. Eventually they hit the hard earth one at a time in a messy dog pile. After a moment they start groaning)

Will: Ooowww… My back…

Jo: What, just happened?

Cope: (Muffled) Jo, why is my face crammed into your hairy chest?

Anna: Whose hand is in mine?!

Rick: Sorry.

Anna: That was yours? Dang, how do you get them so soft?

Stan: Oh agony…

Sara: Ditto.

(Sylvia yanks herself out)

Sylvia: Alright, if everyone's conscious, let's start looking.

Cope: (Muffled) How the heck do you expect us to move around after falling 1000 feet onto solid ground?

Sylvia: You're still able to whine about it, so it was clearly nothing. Now everyone up!

(The pile untangles itself and gets up, dusting themselves off. Cope yanks a fist of hair out of his mouth)

Jo: I want that back, Alex.

Sally: Where are we?

Stan: It's definitely not Coruscant, that's for sure. (Notices his claw being a collection of blocky colored squares) Holy crap, I'm pixelated!

(Everyone else notices the same about themselves and react accordingly)

Jo: Oh maaaan, we're in some outdated video game?

Will: Smooth rendering, no stuttering framerate. Old-school definitely, but at least it's not Intellivision grade.

Sara: A videogame, huh? Sounds about right for Squishy.

Cope: Without any doubt.

Rick: The question is, which game?

(They look around to see themselves surrounded by a semi-ring of houses. The air is thick with fog)

Will: What sort of town is this? It's all spooky.

Sylvia: Don't tell me I'm in RE4 again.

Cope: No. Wait… The taste's different. (Bends down to pick up a handful of dirt. He throws it into his mouth and chews it a bit before spitting it out) Much better.

Jo: What was that about?

Cope: Your sweaty musk was still on my tongue! Also, the soil is simplistic, with a slight hint of Mode 7.

Jo: Mode 7… That's what's used on the Super Nintendo.

Sylvia: This place does look similar to FFVI, but I don't remember it ever being this foggy, or the colors looking so different.

Cope: (Realization) Oh fudge. I think I know where we are…

(The camera rises through the sky and looks down to show a pixelated world map)

Cope: We're in Chrono Trigger©.

Jo: Say where?!

Cope: Yes, there's not mistake. 600 AD… in Guardia.

Rick: I'm sorry, I'm not really following. You can tell the timeline just by tasting dirt?

Cope: (Surprised) You really don't recognize this place? And you call yourself Squishy's son? (Phews) Thank God; you take more after your mother.

Anna: So now that we've established where the funk we are, what's next?

Sally: We find Dad, of course!

Stan: But where do we start? I mean, Chrono Trigger's an RPG, right? Those have _lots_ of places.

Will: We should ask around. He might've come through here.

Cope: Undoubtedly; this is early game, after all. The tavern should be the best place for info. Follow along; I know this place by heart.

(On the world map, small renderings of them move around the town and into a building. Within, the Jedi find the place filled with lots of patrons in medieval wear. The atmosphere is noisy with a pinch of merry)

Sally: Who do we speak with first?

Cope: Let me handle this. I know exactly how to address these kinds of people. (Steps forward and sticks out arms) Attention local drunk peasants! Me and my far more sophisticated associates are looking for a short, annoying, obnoxious dwarf in a brown robe. He has a tendency to talk way too much about utterly inane nonsense as well as violate the very spirit of decency itself. (Gets jabbed in ribs by Jo) Quof! Anyways, (Cough), he goes by the name of Squishy. If he happens to pass by, tell him that he's long overdue for a slapping from Mr. Alex. However, _if_ you have any information pertaining to his whereabouts or whether he's passed by here recently, please divulge thy innards to save yourself much agonizing torment at the hands of my lovely associate Anna, who is a certified sadist.

Anna: And working toward a PhD!

Drunk 1: He-Hey! I don't take kindly to being called drunk! Hiccup! (Hits floor)

Drunk 2: Who do ya think ye's are!?

Drunk 3: Yeah! You ain't no king, cuz ours is in that castle over yonder, so sod off!

Sara: I don't think that worked, Alex.

Rick: Probably not the smartest thing to insult the locals as your opening.

Cope: It's the most effective way to get their attention over this rabble. You know not the finer qualities of the Speech tree!

(A drunk stumbles over to Sally)

Drunk 4: Hey, you sure are a funny lookin' horse.

Sally: I'm not a horse!

Drunk 4: You know, horses mold me rod in the right direction. Hu Hu Hu.

Sally: What?

Drunk 4: Get over here, you equine goddess!

(He lunges for her with arms out. Sally reaches around her and pulls Stan about so that he intercepts the heathen's kiss. After a sec there's a wet chomp and the drunk runs off with a fountain of blood shooting out his mouth. Stan spits out a tongue and spits some more)

Drunk 4: AAAAAAAHH! I AY! I AAAAAAAAYYY!

Drunk 2: Blimey! Those struedels's's horses are rabid!

Drunk 3: RUN AWAY!

Drunk 5: RUN AWAAAY!

(The whole place shudders as patrons stampede out the exit. The last one to leave is a naked man with a live chicken sticking out of his rear. All becomes quiet, with the Jedi just standing around awkwardly)

Rick:...What the h**l was that about?

Stan: Ah dude, that guy tried to French me!

Cope: Well thanks a lot: you just scared the whole village s**tless.

Stan: Sally was the one who put me in the way!

Sally: It was self-defense! He wanted to steal my purity!

Cope: You're anything _but_ pure!

Sally: Whoa hey hold up what did you just say?

Rick: Are you implying something, Alex?

Cope: Just her very existence should make it obvious enough!

Sally: Oh you just didn't—

Sylvia: ENOUGH! (Quiet) Just stop it! Why are you even fighting? What good is it doing us? We're supposed to be teammates, friends here!

Cope: But that son of yours—

Sylvia: I don't want to hear any more of it! It's your special trait to complain and blame others for our problems but I'm seriously not going to tolerate it RIGHT HERE!

Stan: Whoa, Mom, take it easy—

Sylvia: Take it easy? You're bickering like you've just hatched when we're supposed to be looking for your father!

Jo: He's right though, Sylvia, you should calm—

Sylvia: It's too early for all of us to be going at each other's necks, and I'm not gonna stand for it! Not while Squishy's out there! If he's out there! (Deflates) Alex, you keep going on about how annoying Squishy is, and to some extent I can agree with you. But he's a member of this group, and a big part of _all_ our lives, not just mine. If he was here then we wouldn't have to deal with this place, but he's not, and you all decided to come along. Seeing how you're getting along, I should've made you stay behind. I should've gone alone.

Sara: Don't go saying that—

Sylvia: Why is this even happening? All of you fighting, going nowhere. After dealing with the Financer, I thought you would all know better. Especially you, Sally. (Sighs deeply) I just want to find him. Get him back. Stop the useless worrying and waiting and get on with my life!

(Begins to tear up. The guys all look ashamed)

Sara: (Comforting Sylvia) Hey, it's alright, Sylvia. There's no more arguing.

Anna: Yeah, it's all good.

Sylvia: Just… so frustrating. And we've barely even started…

(After more uncomfortable silence)

Stan: Mom, you're right. Us arguing is just stupid, and I'm sorry.

Sally: Me too. It's just, Alex being Alex, you know?

Cope: I have to say that's a fair statement to say in this case, as I… was a bit excessive with my insults, and in making certain inferences about Sally.

Sally: Just watch what you say. I just might have to pull you outside next time.

Cope: Understood.

Jo: Feeling better now, Sylvia?

Sylvia: (Calming breath)…. I'm fine. But, seeing how we learned nothing here, I suppose we need to look somewhere else for clues.

Cope: Guardia Castle is to the west. Squishy may have gone there.

Anna: Alright! Teamwork is back on track!

Will: We best head out.

Sylvia: Sure. Let's go. (To self) Just a brief snag, but bear with us, Squishy.

(They begin to leave)

?: Hmmm…. Interesting. Fits the description perfectly. (The group stops) Passionate, strong-willed, gets emotional when stressed.

Sylvia: Huh?

(They turn around. Alone sitting against the bar holding a mug is a patron with a swanky hat)

Patron: Fiery red scales, and claws of the finest sheen… Exactly like he said.

Sara: Who are you?

Patron: Me? The name's Toma, little lady.

Cope: Toma? The explorer?

Toma: That's my calling, yeah. And no doubt you're Copeland: Tall, easily annoyed, overly serious, insecure.

Cope: Insecure about what?!

Toma: Heh, and looking at you three in the back, there's no question that you're the kids. He wasn't kidding when he said you were different, but sheesh, who would've believed it?

Rick: "Who" wasn't kidding?

Cope: Hey, you didn't answer my question! Where do you get ideas about me being insecure, huh!?

Anna: Chill, Alex, chill.

Toma: And of course there's Anna, holding Alex's leash and keeping him in check.

Cope: (Agitated) What!?

Jo: Uh, sir, who are you exactly? How do you know these guys?

Toma: Ah, Jo, the leader with the amazing haircut. Staying on track when the need arises. Well, I already answered your first question earlier, and for the second, I was told about all of you.

Will: By who?

Toma: It should be pretty obvious, seeing how he's the one you're anxiously looking for.

Jedi: Squishy!?

Sylvia: Squishy was here?

Toma: Yep. One week ago today.

Sally: Rats! Missed him.

Anna: A week? But he's been gone for months!

Toma: Months, huh? He said he found himself here two days before meeting me; most of that time was spent getting money from hunts. He pulled in a pretty good haul in so little time, too.

Stan: Where is he? Did you do anything to him?

Toma: Calm down, slick. I did nothing to him. All I did was lend an ear for a spell. And what a spell that was.

Jo: What did he tell you, exactly?

Toma: Well, as I recall, he first wanted to explain why he was here. He said he'd have to start from the beginning, and I said "Sure. Go on ahead." So he told me his story: ALL of it.

Cope: Such as?

Toma: He told me of his home: how it was a different galaxy full of all kinds of planets and bizarre creatures. Told me about his friends, what they did for a living, all his battles he's been in, though I can't fully recall what they all involved. He spoke of his darling wife, his kids, how people thought of them, something about a Jawa Home, a Contractor, and on and on and on and on.

Anna: My God…You actually sat through one of his conversations and lived.

Toma: He was right about being the talker; kinda wish I heeded his warning. After he finished, my brain was about half-numbed to death. Everything he mentioned and explained was so foreign, so strange. I didn't fully understand 99.9% of what he said, but the way he said it made it make sense. So originally I didn't believe him. I though he was either an utter loon or one h**l of a storyteller. But seeing you, his friends, in the flesh, he might have been telling the truth about there being another galaxy. I may be sitting on quite the scientific discovery: One that people might actually pay to know more about.

Sylvia: What else did he say?

Toma: Oh, right. After his story, he had some drinks—no doubt parched, the little guy—then told me how he was looking for a way home, and that he might actually know a spot to do just that.

Sally: Really? Where?

Toma: He kept the exact details secret, funny enough, but he did say he would be heading north. Only thing up there is Truce Canyon, and I don't recall anything special up there.

Cope: Hold up… Of course. It would make perfect sense for him to go there.

Stan: Why?

Cope: I'll explain later. We better get going.

Jo: He tell you anything else, Toma?

Toma: Nope. After finishing his drinks, he just upped and left. And I hadn't had time to dwell much over what he said, with what followed shortly after.

Anna: Which was...?

Toma: Strange things have been happening lately. The townsfolk have been getting drunk and rowdy. Nothing like their usual polite, sober selves.

Cope: Come to think of it, those villagers were acting far differently then when I first saw them.

Toma: But that's not all: unusual happenings have been taking place at the castle. Just the other day, that frog-man Glenn was running around buck-naked screaming about him being groped by Cyrus. That wasn't a pretty sight, as you can imagine.

Rick: I'd rather not.

Toma: Plus, Cyrus has been dead for years, so that makes it weirder. Yessir, it's been rather odd around here since that Squishy left.

Sara: Sure sounds like it. Anyway, you've been a great help.

Sylvia: Yes you have. I deeply appreciate you for telling us all this.

Toma: No problem. In fact, it would've done my conscience wrong if I just sat here without saying anything this whole time.

Jo: Well thanks to you, we now know where we're going. Right Alex?

Cope: Yes. Let's head out.

(They start to leave again)

Toma: Oh, and Sylvia.

Sylvia: Hm?

Toma: (Raises mug and smiles) Give Squishy my regards.

Sylvia: I'll do that. Thanks.

(They re-enter the world map and move north as "Wind Scene" plays)

Cope: It's 600 AD, alright. God, this music never gets old.

(They enter the mountains up north. Switch to an enclosed valley of rocks and trees of autumn flair. While they're walking along)

Rick: So, Alex, why exactly would out father come here?

Cope: It's quite obvious. At the back of this canyon there's a—

?: KeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeeKEEEEEEEEE!

(Leaping into view before the group is a single blue imp)

Will: What's with the smurf?

Imp: Ka kee ka kee ka kee! Boo wiggity, shim bah leeto cahma set holt cooooooo!

Anna: In English, Blue Balls!

Imp: KaCHEEEEEEEE!

(Three other imps come into sight, with two riding atop round green creatures)

Cope: Imp Attack!

(Chrono Trigger fight music plays as stats come up)

Sally: Cool, battle stats!

Cope: Stay alert! Just follow my instructions and we'll survive. Select Attack and jam it like crazy!

Anna: Say what!?

Cope: Take your freakin' control pad and hit the—

(Rick tosses his saber, which goes in a circle and lops the heads off every enemy. The music stops)

Rick: (Somewhat annoyed) Are we done here?

Cope:...Killjoy.

Jo: Let's go, Mr. Combat Survivalist.

Cope: Grrr…

(They move on)

Anna: Man Alex, you really need to calm down more.

Cope: I'm only worried for your sakes. None of you have experience with this game, and the enemies can be quite ruthless.

Jo: Whatever, Alex. Like some dinky little goblins can hurt us. You just need to breathe more easi—

Imp: Keekeeee!

(Another imp flies out of nowhere and latches onto Jo's head as fight music starts up again)

Jo: AHHH! What the H**l this thing is eating my hair! Get it Off Get it Off!

(More imps appear)

Rick: More of them!

Cope: I told you!

(They wade and cut their way through lots of imps for several minutes. Eventually they come into an empty clearing, a little weary for wear)

Stan: Holy crap that was a ton of blue!

Cope: There's no need to worry further about them; we've entered a no-monster zone.

Jo: Oh God! How do I look? (Whips out a mirror) Gadzooks, it's ruffled like crazy! Oh the sweet travesty of it all! Friggin' munchkins, man.

(He opens his robe to reveal lots of combs, and pulls one out to straighten his hair)

Anna: After all these years, why are you still so vain, Jo?

Jo: Since when have I been vain? (To mirror) Oooh hey, smooth operator.

(Anna sighs)

Cope: (Blustered) No, no, this isn't right. Not right at all.

Sara: What is it?

Cope: The time gate: It's not here!

Will: The what?

Cope: Time gates are used to go to various time periods in this game. There's supposed to be one right here, so naturally Squishy would head for it to progress. But there's no time gate anymore.

Jo: Then where's Squishy?

Cope: (Sighs) I don't know.

Sara: Oh no. What if those imps ate him?

Anna: I highly doubt he'd have gotten eaten by things smaller than him, and less intimidating-looking.

Sylvia: I can vouch for that.

Stan: Hey, I found something.

(At the north end of the clearing Stan pulls aside some foliage. Looking through it, the Jedi see a long straight path, slanted upwards slightly that goes for quite a distance)

Will: Secret path, huh? Did you know about this, Alex?

Cope: No. This was never in the game.

Jo: Then that's clearly a sign of where we'll be heading next.

Sally: Forward!

(They go through the opening. For some time they simply walk along the enclosed path. Eventually they step back out into the open. This time it's in an even smaller clearing, with a cliff a short distance from them)

Jo: Crap. Another dead end.

Cope: There were no forks, so this is all there is.

(They walk out further into the clearing. Jo and Will look over the cliff to see an immense drop leading into a massive fog bank. Waves can be heard)

Will: Man, that's some drop.

Rick: No sign of Dad. What now?

Stan: Go back?

Cope: He must be hiding somewhere back in the clearing. Or back in the canyon for whatever reason.

Jo: Either way, let's head back and look some more. There's probably something else that's been overlooked.

(They head back for the path when)

Sylvia: Wait!

(Sylvia goes over to a part of the clearing and bends down. She picks up a long, curly string of some kind)

Sara: What is that?

Sylvia:(Examining string)...A guitar string. Squishy was here!

Will: Then where is he?

(He slowly looks toward the cliff, as does everyone else)

Anna: No… No way. There is NO way he's down there!

Stan: Why would he want to jump off a cliff?

Cope: Maybe to get away from your sniveli— (Gets low-blowed by Rick)

Rick: It wouldn't make sense for him to do that.

Sylvia: Unless he had no other choice. If he came here looking for that time gate and found nothing, then he would look for some other way out. Alex, is there any other way out of this place, time period or whatever?

Cope: (Recovering) None that I can think of. D***it, Rick...

Sylvia: So Squishy must have found that path and decided to go off this cliff. Maybe there's a portal or something down there. This guitar string has to be a clue of some kind to let us know that he went through here.

Anna: How are you sure about that? It could be from some wandering bard who got WAY lost.

Sylvia: I cannot tell you why I'm certain. All I know is is that I have a good strong feeling he was here and went off the edge.

Sara: The feelings of the Force are hardly ever wrong, plus it's particularly accurate in us girls. Whee!

Rick: It seems to be our only option anyway.

Sally: So let's go take the plunge! For Dad!

All: Yeah!

(They walk over to the cliff. They look down again, intimidated by the deep, foggy abyss)

Stan: (Nervous) That's sure a lot of nothing down there…

Cope: Ladies first.

Jo: Alright.

(Shoves Cope off cliff with one hand. He goes flailing)

Cope: YAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaahh...! (Gone)

Jo: You care to do the honors, Sylv?

(She steps up to the edge. After some silent staring)

Sylvia: Alright… Here goes.

(She steps off the cliff and plunges through the fog. She falls faster and faster at blinding speed, until all sight and sound are enveloped in endless gray)

* * *

 _Nobody knew what to make of this bizarre little creature. Comes to our planet in an unarmed civilian starship by himself and, most baffling of all, wanted to discuss forming an alliance with the Galactic Republic. The same Republic our people had often invaded in the past, justifiably labeling us as dangerous to all._

 _He seemed genuine about the matter, though, and with our Imperium being in a shaky transitional phase, any kind of offer was welcome. If only for a brief diversion from the recent upheaval._

 _For being instrumental in helping the coup's success, my father had been chosen as the temporary leader of our new government, and therefore he set about assessing this strange envoy. While he was by no means a skilled politician, he handled the matter decently. In that he put the visitor through the rites of the military caste to "test his resolve". Whether as a joke or in total sincerity, I'm still not sure._

 _But the newcomer took to the trials without complaint, and did them with determination that even impressed someone like my father into taking his proposal seriously. He even grabbed the interest of those who saw him, as he acted very neighborly with all those he spoke with, from what I heard._

 _I kind of regret not being there to see for myself this peculiar diplomat that managed to steer our society into an unexpected direction._

 _But, I would have my chance in due time._

* * *

Verse 2

The Plunge

\- The searchers have taken their first steps. The ocean glistens as though peaceful. Could it only be a ruse?

* * *

(There's a great sploosh. Copeland slowly sinks into the water with an annoyed look on his face. After a sec, Sylvia also breaks the surface, followed by the others. They reorient themselves underwater and look around. Everything is bright blue, with a smooth rock bottom and stock-still purple seaweed towers. The green stones below, as well as everything, are vibrantly colored. Only problem is, everything's in primitive 8-bit)

Sally: Ugh! Why do I look so crappy?

Stan: How are we able to talk underwater?

Jo: Even I can answer that: we're in Super Mario Bros.

Will: What? How?

Rick: Seems you were right after all, Mom. There's a whole new world at the bottom of the cliff.

Sylvia: It's odd. It took me and Squishy a whole lot longer to go to someplace new the last time.

Anna: But at least we're on the right track. Squishy definitely had to have gone through here.

Cope: Then we'll find the exit pipe and head out. Commence swimming, stage right.

(They swim right as underwater music from SMB starts playing. They swim through the retro hazards and have a few tangles with the various bloopers and cheep-cheeps. One hour later they stop before a green pipe in a rock wall)

Stan: (Pant, pant, pant) So much swimming…

Sally: I'll never try calamari, ever!

Cope: Enough of the griping. The exit's right there.

Jo: Then shut up and swim in it already!

(They enter the pipe. Later they exit the pipe, but find themselves back at the beginning)

Jo: What the?!

Anna: This is right where we started! Where's the freakin' exit?

Cope: Oh jeez—

All: What?

Cope: Could we pan up a bit?

(The screen lowers slightly to show the game stats. Under the level marker is a big -1. Dun dun DUN!)

Cope: Son of a b***h, we're in Minus World!

Will: What, like a negative zone of some kind?

Stan: What're we gonna do? We're gonna die! We're all gonna die!

Sylvia: Hush, Stanley; no one's dying here. There's got to be some way out of this.

Cope: We could all die repeatedly until our lives run out.

Rick: Errrmm, I'd much prefer something less fatalistic.

Anna: Not much say in the matter, Ricky ol' boy. Here comes a whole floppin' school of them bloopers right now.

(Show an immense school of speeding squid)

Sally: Ah sushi…

(The whole screen fills with bloopers. After a sec the screen clears of bloopers and everyone's fine)

Anna: Huh. We're still alive.

Cope: They were scared of something.

Sara: But what?

(Jaws music plays as something slowly approaches from the left)

Stan: Uh, Mom?

Sylvia: We got here by dropping from the sky, so perhaps if we went over the wall?

(The thing gets close)

Stan: G-g-guys?

Cope: What I'm curious about is what would scare so many bloopers away. Hmm, tis a mystery...

(Closer)

Stan: GUYS!

Jo: What is it, Stan?

Stan: LOOOOOK!

(Show a giant red fish with a big mouth)

Cope: Ah s****t! BIG BERTHA!

(The cheep-cheep chomps hungrily)

Jo: SWIM AWAAAAY!

(They zip to the right, followed by the cheep-cheep. To SM64 Slider music the Jedi speed through the water and past obstacles as the big fish eats everything in its path. At the end of the course the Jedi are moving so fast that they blow the top half of the end wall like cardboard. They go zipping through pure blue water that slowly darkens with the coming night, while at the same time changing from 8-bit to full 3D rendering. They zip past the bottom of an idling motorboat. On the boat)

Capt: Did you see that, Kip?

Kip: No. I didn't see any—

(The cheep-cheep leaps from behind and swallows them in a single gulp before going back into the water. Immediately after, all the Jedi leap onto the boat)

Sylvia: Hit the f**kin' gas, Will!

(Will slams the throttle and the boat shoots forward. Behind them the fish continues leaping out of the water and keeping pace, with the boat's owners still in its mouth)

Capt: They're getting away with my boat!

Kip: Get back here!

(At some point the boat speeds across the screen, and when the cheep-cheep follows a lone thwomp falls from above and smooshes it unceremoniously. Back on the boat)

Stan: The fish is dead! Long live us!

All: HOORAAAY!

(They all collapse from exhaustion)

Rick: God I'm tired…

Sally: At least we can dry off in peace, bro…

Jo: What's going on here anyway? Drunk villagers, Minus World, 8-bit, and that cheep-cheep.

Cope: Video games is what.

Anna: Speaking of, we're not 8-bit anymore.

Sylvia: We must have transitioned to another game.

Stan: But which one?

Will: Hey, I can see some lights up ahead. It looks like a city.

Sara: A city? Out here on the ocean?

Sylvia: We're probably near a coast.

Jo: Just head for it. We've had enough ocean for one day.

Will: Got it.

(The boat speeds along towards the growing lights)

* * *

Verse 3

Collision

\- The great behemoth welcomed its arrival. All the city lights gleamed with anticipation. It was to be a special night.

* * *

(The boat slowly sputters up to a floating pier before stopping. After they get up to the docks, Stan falls flat onto the ground)

Stan: Land! Sweet stable merciful land!

(The others walk over him)

Cope: Needlessly dramatic, just like your father.

Sally: Come on, Stan.

(He gets up abashedly and follows. They walk on a bit through some enclosed walkways, passing the gawking looks of oddly-clothed citizens)

Stan: So, when do we find some beds?

Will: We gotta know where we are first. Find out what weird-a** game world we ended up in this time.

Anna: And see if it's even _possible_ to get us a bed. For all we know it's probably all business centers and we'll end up shacking it in an alley.

Stan: Oh please tell me we don't have to.

Sylvia: I sincerely doubt it'll come to that, Stanley. At worst, we can break into some store and spend the night there.

Rick: Or even a mansion. I wouldn't mind kicking out some rich codger just so we have someplace decent to rest.

Anna: Ha! Now that's my kind of reasoning. Just be mindful of the cops.

Rick: Of course.

(They walk out onto a wide and open walkway. They stare in awe as we get a panoramic view of the surrounding buildings. Great shining skycrapers of a highly advanced architecture gleam before their dazzled eyes, towering high into the night sky. They are covered in all sorts of eye-grabbing murals and light displays. High above the city, great arches of water hang over everything. Around them are highways that catered to both foot traffic and hovering vehicles)

Sally: Wooooow... It's so big. And pretty…

Sylvia: What is this place, Alex?

Cope:...I forget at the moment. All that swimming has drained my concentration, but this place looks very familiar.

Will: If only we had a name

(High above them is a floating sign with the city's name on it, but it passes by unnoticed)

Jo: Well there's no point standing here wondering. Let's check this place out.

(They walk along the wide highway they're on)

Cope: I swear, this all seems so familiar.

(A kid runs past then kicking a ball)

Far-Off Woman: Timmy! If you don't stop messing with that blitzball I'll send you off to the slave auctions rather than the orphanage!

Cope: It's frustrating; I feel it on the tip of my tongue.

Jo: Heh heh.

Sara: Bad Jo!

(They pass a young couple)

Guy: Hey, Betty? You wanna do the dirty deed?

Girl: Pre-marital intercourse? But Robby, it's a sin!

Guy: A sin, you say? Well you know we're both atheists. And besides, you said nothing when we beat that one sinning hobo within an inch o' his life.

Girl: Hmmm, I reckon you are correct darling. Alright, let's get sinful!

Guy: Darn tootin'! And let's see if we can get that kid and his momma to come watch.

Cope: If only I had some clue. Like a verbal cue of some type.

(They pass a man and an elder)

Man: Hey gramps, what time is it?

Elder: What? Eh, eleventy-u eyeven.

Man: Eleventy Yu Yevon? Sheesh, just listen to yourself. I'm hoping the rest of your organs aren't as bad as your ears by the time we get to the chop shop.

Elder: I wanna go home...

Cope: How my restless mind requires relief from this riddle!

Rick: How bout we ask someone instead of moaning about it?

Jo: Yeah, Alex. Observe this simple remedy.

(He approaches a shifty-looking man)

Jo: Pardon me, mister. What city is this?

Man: Don't bother me, guy! I'm in the middle of stalking this one chick that just got out of the booby hatch. Man is she hot! (Show a woman standing on the edge of the highway before she leaps off yelling) Hey! You ain't gonna get away that easily my little tease!

(Follows suit of the suicidal)

Cope: What do you call that, Jo? Certainly not an answer!

Sylvia: He still tried, Alex. We just have to keep asking around and we'll find out exactly what city this is.

?: "What city"? It should be fairly obvious.

(Stumbling into sight is the tough loner with the big long sword who is most definitely not Sephiroth but the far more chill and grizzled Auron)

Cope: Holy wasabi! You're Auron! THE Auron!

Auron: Peh. You sound all excited, like I'm famous or something. Last I checked I didn't even have my own story.

Cope: What are you talking about? You _do_ have a story! A good one at that.

Auron: I do? Well excuse me for my forgetting-ness. This liquor of mine always gets to my head. (Takes a swig of his big flask) Ahhhh, that's the stuff!

Anna: Auron. That's a Final Fantasy character, right? From Final Fantasy X as I recall.

Sylvia: Which means this place would be—

Auron: Zanarkand! That's right! I told you; straight from me. You're in the great Zanarkand: Home to my lonely needs and numerous rejections. _That_ Zanarkand, yaha!

Cope: D***it! Zanarkand, of course! Grrr, it's been like twelve years since I last played the game, but I still should've remembered that by heart.

Jo: Don't beat yourself up over it, Alex. Life's not all about video games.

Will: You do know what sort of universe we're from, right?

Auron: Aye, ye be gettin' it, me laddy. How's bout s'mmore drink for me self (Drink, sounding more Irish for some reason) Oi I be so drunkard!

Rick: Why _are_ you drunk, exactly? Especially out here in the open?

Cope: Yeah, that's right: Auron never gets drunk! Just what is going on?

Auron: I'm drunk because I'm celebratin'. Y'see, tonight is a special night. A grand occasion to end all occasions shall befall this wondrous city of deplority and vice.

Anna: And what occasion would that be?

Auron: I'm talking about the arrival of Sin, little missy.

Cope: Sin!?

Auron: Ah yes. The one guy who ever showed me any respect. He and I were always cool with each other, unlike that tight-a** Braska. Yeah, he's coming here to end it all.

Will: End it?

Auron: End it all. Clean the slate. This city is gone, my friends. Nothing will be the same. Which is why I'm celebrating my departure from this place. For _everyone's_ departure!

Sally: You're absolutely nuts.

Cope: The real Auron would never sound like such a hopeless wuss! Who are you really?

Auorn: Aye, that's exactly what Tidus told me. (Gets seriously glum) I keep telling him the world's gonna end, but he never believes me. He never returns my calls. I miss him so d**n much! Tidus! Why did you leave me? WHY-EEEEE! (Starts crying)

Cope: This is sickening.

Sylvia: But you can't help feeling pity for the poor guy.

Auron: (Recovers) You know, I got all this tension inside me. It's ready to burst. I got to relieve it before I go.

Sara: Huh?

Auron: How many of you dames can say that you got to bang a ghost? (Drops pants)

Jedi: (Shocked, freaked out, sickened faces)

Auron: I'll have the tall guy at my back, take the blonde from the front, and do the Gila monster from behind, Bob! Let the Games Begin!

(The Jedi run lightning quick past the pantless drunk. He's soon all alone in an awkward stance)

Auron: That's the 20th group that's denied me tonight. Well, guess I better move outta this joint.

(He starts doing "The Time Warp" dance from Rocky Horror Picture Show and shimmies offscreen. Switching views, we find the Jedi eventually stopping to catch their breaths)

Anna: What the Hell is with all the horn dogs lately?

Stan: This place is seriously messed up, man!

Cope: And it's about to get more messed up when Sin arrives.

Will: Who's Sin, exactly?

Cope: You take all the creatures of the Godzilla-verse, wrap them together in bleak blackness, add a few billion deranged souls and you have the physical embodiment of pure dag nasty destruction.

Stan: So some kind of demon? Frickin' terrific!

Anna: How long until this living doomsday arrives?

Cope: I'm not sure. We just have to keep an eye out for something really strange and unnatural.

Rick: (Points) Like that?

(They look behind. Rising high above the city edge is a ginormous watery wave of great immeasurableness. The wave curves into a giant round ball of a water-like substance. Inside the water sphere is a huge something of whitish brown covered in flashing circles of light. It slowly floats through the air into the city. As it does, buildings warp and bend toward it as though being pulled in by a strong gravitational field)

Jo: What, the, h***, is that?

Cope: Annihilation…

(Ripples appear along the sphere, then bursting from all around it fire long yellow projectiles. They fly past the Jedi, tearing through the buildings in cataclysmic explosions, while others begin collapsing from the shockwaves)

Stan: Holy Crap!

Sally: This is actually serious!

Cope: RUUUN!

(They start running as "Night of Fate" from Kingdom Hearts starts playing. They dash along the highway with other panicking civilians as the death ball looms closer.)

Stan: Oh Crap Oh Crap Oh Crap Oh Crap Oh Crap!

Jo: Get out of the way!

(Suddenly all around them great black crystals smash and stick into buildings and highways. Their back parts break off to reveal big wiggling tentacles that releases hundreds of shiny black scales into the sky)

Rick: What are those things?

Cope: Sinspawn Ammes: they shoot out tons of those bug creatures. We're gonna be covered with them if we don't hurry.

Anna: Then let's go already!

(They continue running. Suddenly the scales start falling onto the highway in front of them, forming into freaky insects)

Will: Crikey!

Jo: Just cut your way through!

(They slice through the bugs with their sabers. At one point they see some people get struck down by the creatures before they get over to slice them up)

Sara: We were too late...

Cope: They were gonna die anyway. The quicker the better.

Sally: Dude, how can you say that?

Cope: This is all an illusionary dreamscape, anyway. Long story.

Stan: One we don't have time to hear if we wanna move!

(Inky black creatures with yellow eyes suddenly arise from the corpses)

Rick: What the—!?

Cope: Heartless? What are they doing here?

(The creatures leap at the Jedi but get cut down. They continue running, cutting through bugs and Heartless. At some point they pass a platform loaded with distraught, frightened women. Standing on the underside of the platform looking up is the pantless Auron)

Auron: This isn't where I parked my car. Heh heh heh. (Heartless rise around him) Ohhh bummer…

(Back to the Jedi, they reach an empty section of highway flanked by a huge rectangular building. In the distance they can hear the sounds of screams and devastation)

Sylvia: Hold up, everyone; I think we lost them. (They slow down to catch their breaths) It's quiet here. I suppose they haven't come this far.

Jo: Man, we really booked it there. (Huffs) Haven't had to make that kind of run in a while.

Will: Haven't been putting in the exercise lately?

Jo: Oh you're one to talk, Mr. Homebody.

Cope: This isn't right. Heartless being here as well? There's something seriously wrong with this scenario.

Rick: No point thinking on that now. We need to get out of the city while we still can, so what's our exit this time, Mr. Expert?

Cope: You all probably don't want to go the "authentic" way. I suppose one of these highways can get us out. I never really thought of them as an option.

Anna: We ought to have plenty of time to figure it out. I doubt we'll be seeing those things anytime soon, with all that distance we made.

(The whole place starts to rumble. The windows on the building near them shatter)

Jo: Oh that's just great! Thanks for the jinx, Anna!

Anna: Hey, it's probably a power plant going up or something. It can't be that bad.

(The whole building shatters, erupts and disintegrates. Lo and behold, before them all up close was the water-enclosed Sin as "Destiny's Force" from KH kicks in. The behemoth flashes its many eyes, causing the Jedi to float up into the air)

Will: Ah crud!

Stan: Yaaaa!

Sally: What's happening?!

Cope: I don't know!

(They are held in place over a part of the great water sphere. All around them the cityscape bends and warps toward it. Hundreds of the black insects fill the air before flying at the heroes. They dodge and cut through the swarm before Anna fries them with Force Lightning)

Anna: Pesky bugs!

(They're suddenly swept to a spot over the sphere's equator. At this point, parts of the surrounding buildings rip out and fly at them in an orbit around the beast)

Sara: Look out!

(They dodge the debris by flapping themselves up and down until a whole building comes at them. Cope brings himself level and slashes his saber down hard through the building as it passes, cleaving it in half so it separates away from the group. Abruptly they're tugged to another sector of the sphere, where more of the watery tentacles pop out from the surface. After Sara, Sylvia and Jo cut through any that get too close, they're all suddenly swung down to the bottom side. The world around them is even more twisted and warped then before. Rising from the sphere this time are two large black monsters with writhing tentacles for heads)

Stan: Darksides!

Cope: How do _you_ know about them?

Stan: They're in all my nightmares!

(The monsters try to grab them with their dark hands, only to have them chopped off. As before our heroes are pulled away, this time being put into a fast orbit around the sphere. A ball of matter forms in close to them)

Sara: Trouble!

Rick: It's winding up for something.

Jo: Get ready!

(Suddenly the matter ball blasts out a stream of various objects which the Jedi deflect at a rapid pace with their weapons. Debris, Heartless, bugs, cars, all sorts of messed up things are fired at them. But eventually the ball evaporates and the Jedi come to a standstill in the air over a clear area of the water sphere)

Rick: What's it doing now?

(From the cleared area comes a large, round, glowing, fleshy opening)

Will: What the h*** is that thing?

Cope: It's the A** Of Sin!

(Things start being pulled into the hole)

Jo: That thing's pulling us in!

Cope: Seems we're going the "authentic" route after all. Everyone brace yourselves!

Anna: No! Nuh-uh! I'm going nowhere near—

(They all get sucked into a vortex beneath the hole. As they steadily spin upwards, they begin warping and distorting whilst yelling)

Stan: Getting dizzy, getting siiiick!

Sylvia: Kids! Try to keep close together!

Sally: Can't really help that, Mom!

Sara: Just hold on, Sylvia!

Sara: Will!

Jo: We're going in!

Anna: Nope Nope Nope Nope NOPE!

(They vanish into the glorious void, and everything flares white before fading to black)

* * *

 _With His breath He brought life to the Earth. And with a flare of His nostrils all was extinguished by His Grace._

 **Hallelujah!**

\- _Take a breath, and rest._


	2. Episode 2

**Steve Warz**

 **Episode [Duality]:**

 **Change of Strategy**

 _Welcome back for this much-anticipated follow-up! Now then, (Hum-hum):_

 _Sylvia the Ssi-Ruuk, suffering from the disappearance of her dear husband Squishy, set out to find him herself and bring him back, with her kids and the other Jedi in tow. After passing through a dimensional rift, our party landed in the realm of Chrono Trigger. There they met the explorer Toma, who told them of Squishy's presence from a week before and the Jawa's desire to return home. Following Toma's information, the Jedi headed north to Truce Canyon where they found a clue to where Squishy went: A guitar string by a cliff. Sylvia and crew took a leap of faith and ended up in SMB's dreaded Minus World._

 _After escaping the voracious giant cheep-cheep, the group came upon the famed city of Zanarkand. However, their chance to rest was ruined when the all-devouring Sin launched its clandestine attack, and despite the fight they put up, the Jedi found themselves caught and sucked into the behemoth's warpulating rear. What will become of our Jedi heroes? Where will they go? Hopefully somewhere safe… and hygienic_ _._

* * *

Verse 4

The Void

— The searchers are lost. All light has gone, save a lone glimmer. Will it survive the darkness for long?

* * *

(She falls straight down. There's no wind, but she knows she's upside down. Her eyes are closed)

Sylvia: (Thoughts) Where am I? Where are the others? It's so cold… So empty… What is this place?

 _You've been here before._

Sylvia: (Opens eyes, but still in thoughts) That voice…

(She slowly flips around until she's upright. She senses another presence)

 _You were here. Everyone was here. In this plane, you and I were together for the last time._

Sylvia: (Aloud) Squishy?

 **Heheheh. Think again, sweetheart.**

(Shadowy shackles snap onto Sylvia's limbs, holding her in place. As she struggles she sees something)

Sylvia: Who is… No… No it can't. You can't be!

 **But it is, Sylvia. Don't you…** _ **Remember**_ **?**

(Standing before her with a devil's grin is the cloaked deity of suffering himself. Though he's almost made up entirely of roiling shadow, the shoulder-length hair, pale complexion, and scrutinizing glasses of the Financer are unmistakable, much to Sylvia's immense shock and disbelief)

Sylvia: No, it's not… You're supposed to be dead. Squishy fried you!

(He starts to circle)

Fin: What's that? You actually believed I was gone for good? Utterly destroyed; annihilated; never to return? Pah! How amusingly naive. You choose to ignore the obvious, despite my telling you time and time again as to what _I am_. Well here's a reminder, darling: (Lunges up to her face) I am a **God**! Immortal, everlasting, same as your coddling Contractor. (Pulls back) And just as he always returns for another round of self-imposed humiliation, I too will always come back. Over, and over, again.

(Sylvia struggles some more, but eventually stops and glares at Financer)

Sylvia: If you're really a god… Then you must know you've failed. The galaxy's restored; everyone came back.

Fin: Ah yes, I'm aware. Everyone did come back. Everyone… except your precious husband. (Sylvia winces at that) I felt his passing, as he plummeted into darkness. A simple-minded spirit swallowed by the void. A light snuffed out, to shine nevermore.

Sylvia: F*** off! You couldn't snuff out any of us you b*****d, and there's no way Squishy will ever go out either!

(Financer pauses, as though puzzled, then turns away)

Fin: (To himself) Something's different. This isn't how she's supposed to react. Just what... (He shrugs, then turns back around) You have a point, dear. I couldn't erase you all completely. But… (Raises a hand, then clenches it closed) I can still erase _you_.

(Inky darkness starts to flow over Sylvia's limbs. Fear returns to her eyes as the icy blackness prompts her to struggle again)

Fin: You've fallen into my world, you irksome b****. I have full control over what lives and what dies. And since neither that husband of yours, nor that stupid Waltz, are here to say otherwise, I can take my time as I smother your entire being into nothingness, inch by scaly inch.

(Sylvia's limbs are completely covered in writhing black, which begin to spread over the edges of her torso. She's finding it hard to breathe)

Fin: Such fortune that my chance for revenge has come in relatively little time. Now I have something to tide me over until I can get the rest of your insipid gang of heroes. Heeheeheehee, I'll plunge you into so much fear, misery and despair that everything you felt when I murdered your spawn will pale massively in comparison. And believe me, I'm going to draw it out further than your mind can comprehend. Care to wager as to how long until your soul withers into dust?

(Only Sylvia's head remains untouched, and even then the veil of darkness rises up to suffocate her)

Sylvia: S-Squishy...

(Ripples fill the surrounding darkness. Financer looks caught off-guard and annoyed. The darkness covering Sylvia's body suddenly recedes completely)

Fin: D**mit, they found me already! And before I could start my fun. (Sighs, then to Sylvia) We'll have to postpone our tête-à-tête for now. But in the meantime… (Sneers) I can just let you wander the abyss for a while. Once those a**holes lose my scent I'll swoop you back up. It may take a very long time, but perhaps you'll be a little more pliant by then. Until that time... ciao.

(He waves his hand, and Sylvia falls back, downward into the void. As she falls, voices of others can be heard far above)

* * *

(A flash. Salt. Gulls. Sylvia opens her eyes slowly. She is lying atop a large amount of debris forming a crude raft. All around her is endless blue, with no land in sight anywhere. High above, gulls circle endlessly)

Sylvia: An ocean? Am I back on Mon Calamari?

(She gets up and looks around to see other flotsam, mostly parts of buildings of a foreign design)

Sylvia: No. But, what is this place? (Goes to the edge of raft) HEY! IS ANYBODY OUT THERE!? (Silence) HEY! SOMEONE! ANYONE!

(She puts her claws into her mouth and blows, but only makes a weird reedy noise. She takes them out)

Sylvia: Wait, I don't need those to whistle. (She starts speaking in shrill Ssi-Ruuvi, whistling the highest pitch she can. Still, there's no response) Well, this is annoying. Out floating in the middle of nowhere. Alone. But surely something has to come around.

(So she just stands there. Time passes, and she switches positions from sitting to standing to lying on her side to looking bored. Minutes pass, which inevitably flow into hours. As the light of day begins to fade, "Yuna's Ballad" from FFX-2 plays as Sylvia begins pacing around, occasionally going back to yelling at the ocean. She begins to look fatigued as the sky darkens further. At some point she is sitting, still reflecting)

Sylvia: Is there really nothing out here? Just what ocean or planet is this? What happened to everyone else? Are they alright? What about the kids? I just want to do something instead of just sitting here. Sitting here doing nothing… like back home...

(Time passes even further. Sylvia's condition worsens as despair and hopelessness creep in, with daylight lessening and lessening by the second. Eventually the sky has turned to black, and Sylvia is clutching her legs, tail curled around her and shaking as if in need of warmth, her thoughts tumbling over themselves)

Sylvia: (Thoughts) I've never been so alone before. Not since that time I was brainwashed have I felt this way. Just emptiness… Is this truly the abyss? (She tips over onto her side) It can't just be me here. Why would it only be me? (Moans and hugs self more, as the ocean around her begins to darken) I can't feel him. There were traces while we were together, but no more. There's just nothing… What if… what if the Financer's right? What if he was swallowed by darkness? Disappeared without a trace… What would be the point then? Why go on…?

(The music, the call of gulls, even the sounds of water cease as the world around the raft plunges into absolute darkness. As Sylvia withdraws further into her own mind, the darkness overtakes much of the raft, leaving just a small circle of lit debris beneath the forlorn reptile)

Squishy... You never should have done it. I should have been stronger; talked you more into finding another way. Like how you saved me. Why did I let you go so easily? I thought I could keep it together, wait until you came back. I believed you would come back. But that was a trick, wasn't it? You had no idea what you were throwing yourself into. Yet you did it anyway. To save everyone. Make things right. Bring it all back. All of it but you. The one thing that made that galaxy so wonderful. The one who granted me such beautiful children. That special light… (She begins to cry as the circle of light shrinks) I might have had a chance to save you. But I came too late. I waited far too long. Now you've left us for good…

It doesn't matter though.

I will soon be with you again.

Soon I'll be happy again…

It will all be alright…

For, you see…

I'm finally here, Sq—

(The lonely strum of an acoustic guitar brings Sylvia back to her senses, as well as dispel the darkness that was about to envelop her)

Sylvia: Huh? (She looks around) What was that?

(Another strum. She quickly gets up and looks around, finding that she and the raft are floating in a soundless black void. But she feels no fear at this)

Sylvia: Hello? Somebody there?

(Another strum. She suddenly spots a small glittering silhouette that quickly vanishes)

Sylvia: Squishy?

(Another strum. Another silhouette walks across the raft. It disappears when Sylvia tries to touch it)

Sylvia: Wait! Don't go!

(Another strum. This time the silhouette is hanging over the abyss. Sylvia rushes to it, right as she's encased in brilliant light)

* * *

 _It really was just the sound of a guitar that first drew me to him. Before then, I didn't have a real inkling to know more about the quirky alien besides general knowledge. Instead, my mind was more interested in travel._

 _My brother had already been away working with our new benefactor for over a year, serving as the first envoy of our race, and a good number of my kind had flocked to Republic space after the "coexistence platform" that served as our jumping-off point was deemed safe and trustworthy. That being Jawa Home, of course. So in light of all this, I felt the urge to go and see just what the realm of the "unenlightened" was all about._

 _I was still fairly young, mildly restless, and didn't have much in the way of friends, but neither did my brother, given how little socialization was encouraged even within our own caste. Which made this an opportunity to broaden my horizons, to stretch my legs and see something new. Maybe give me an idea of what to do with my life since I was no longer constrained to uphold a military role._

 _I remember that I had wanted to see oceans different from the ones on Lwhekk, and decided to go to a planet that was practically nothing but ocean. The sight of Mon Calamari from orbit was enough to make me breathless, but I felt the urge to feel those waters on my claws. As luck would have it, a newly-developed island was inviting tourists for a welcoming banquet, so I hopped on one of the complementary shuttles and went planetside._

 _The air was nothing I've ever felt or smelled before: such fragrant salt and moisture it almost made me dizzy. The party was fine enough, but I decided to explore the island on my own. I might of thought it was a good chance to think up my next destination while taking in the quiet beauty of the exotic flora, which soon gave way to sandy beaches._

 _It was after some minutes of basking in that glorious sunset that I heard the strumming coming from that rather conspicuous rock. And it was there that I finally met him: the one who delivered the Ssi-Ruuk into the Republic. My brother's keeper. In some ratty robe playing guitar on the beach like a bum._

 _As you can guess, that's when_ my _life changed._

* * *

Verse 5

Flight

— The light had prevailed, and a soul saved. But the great ruins still gave off an eerie aura. What secrets do they hide?

* * *

 _Squishy… Squishy…_

?:...ey …..g...s…

 _You're still somewhere out there._

?: Hey… guys….. akin…..p.!

 _I'll stay strong. I'll never stop. Not until..._

Anna: Hey you guys! She's waking up!

(Sylvia slowly opens her eyes. All she sees above her is a blueish pink sky. As she starts to sit up, little gaseous orbs of light hover through the air. Her friends and family are looking down on her)

Sally: Mom!

Stan: You're awake!

Rick: You're okay.

Sylvia: Kids...?

(Sylvia suddenly reaches out and wraps her three children in a great big hug)

Stan: Wha?

Sylvia: (Muffled) I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have thought like that. Not again. It won't happen again…

Sally: Uhhh, Mom? What are you talking about?

Sylvia: Hm? (After a pause, she lets her kids go) Sorry. I'm just happy to see all of you alright.

Sara: We've been worried about you.

Will: Sara's been looking over you, as well as everyone else.

Cope: Myself included.

Jo: By his own free will, mind you.

Sylvia: (Looks around at the strange surroundings) Where are we?

Cope: We're in the Zanarkand Ruins of the future. Sin's a**hole was actually a time warp, although it should've dropped us at Baaj Temple. Another item on the ever-growing list of things being out of place.

Jo: We got here about an hour ago. You were unconscious this entire time.

Sylvia: It's only been an hour…?

Anna: Yep. You looked like you were having some kind of nightmare from the way you were jerking around. I was about to tap into that head of yours right when you woke up.

Sylvia: A nightmare… I guess it may have well been.

Rick: Do you remember what it was?

Sylvia: I was… alone, on a raft, in the middle of a great ocean. It felt like I drifted for hours. I became very tired, started believing it had been pointless to come out here. I felt like… dropping and giving up completely. On everything.

Will: Yikes.

Sylvia: But, a little something showed me the light. I think it might've been… Squishy. (Firm look) I almost thought he had disappeared for good, but I know now without a doubt he's out there somewhere. And I'll never give up.

Rick: And neither will we.

Stan: Heck no!

Jo: Ditto.

Cope: Hmm. Definitely one of those self-affirming kinds of dreams, methinks.

Sara: It's still good to hear you're okay.

Stan: Ooh, hey Mom, we got something that will definitely keep us on the right track. (Holds up a paperback book) Check it out: A strategy guide!

Jo: We found it lying nearby while looking for anything useful, and I say this thing's real dang useful.

Will: It's neat: It's got a walkthrough on where we should go next. And it's talking about the us.

Sylvia: For real?

Cope: It's the d****est thing, but it's got everything we did since Chrono Trigger written on its pages.

Sylvia: That's… bizarre. Does it say what we should do next?

Anna: It says that our next key objective is at the center of the ruins: The Ancient Blitzball Stadium, waaaaaay on over thataway.

Sylvia: (Gets up) Then that's where we shall go.

Jo: You sure you're feeling up for it?

Sylvia: I've laid around long enough. It's time to hit the road once again.

Stan: Right with you, Mom!

Sara: I take it a walking montage is in order?

Sally: Exercise!

(They all nod, then walk off. The track "Someday The Dream Will End" from FFX plays as we see the troupe trekking over the ruins. At some point, words start appearing on the screen)

 _One born of a dragon_

 _bearing darkness and light,_

 _shall rise to the heavens,_

 _Over the still land_

 _The moon's light eternal_

 _brings a promise to Earth_

 _with bounty and grace._

… _What?_

 _Can't a guy dictate here?_

 _With music this deep there has to be a cryptic yet meaningful saying somewhere._

 _Suuuure, this saying has nothing to do with what's going on, but at least it's there!_

 _You know what? Screw it! None of you guys wouldn't know about symbolic foreshadowing anyway!_

 _I'm outta this joint._

(Foosteps, door slams, and car driving off are heard over the music. By this time the Jedi arrive before the great structure that used to be Zanarkand's Blitzball Stadium. They stop before the entrance, now closed off by a great fallen pillar)

Will: How do we get in?

Anna: We won't need to. (Whips out guide) It says here that our objective is right where we're standing.

Will: That's freakishly convenient.

Sylvia: So is it invisible or...?

Anna: Nope. We just need to do some things to move on.

Sally: Like what?

Jo: First, if my looks into the guide are correct, we need to sketch grooves into the ground.

Anna: That's right. We'll need the "Great Plowing Staffs" which just happen to be…. (Scans book) Piled neatly to my left.

(Show a neat pile of poles to Anna's left. Cope goes over and picks them up, then hands them out to everyone except Anna)

Rick: What now?

Anna: Now you all have to sketch out a great cryptic symbol of power into the ground. And for some reason there's these 6 pictures of what exactly must be sketched.

(The pics are passed around)

Sara: Doubly freakishly convenient…

Cope: Right. Let's get to work.

(They spread out and begin running the poles through the soft earth. After several minutes they are done)

Anna: With that done there's one final step.

Cope: (Nabs guide) "The expert gamer is to play the song of power with the indicated wind instrument that was found on the trail." (Pulls out an ocarina) It also says that the notes to the song can be found by completing individual puzzle and endurance rooms, each one holding a cryptex with letters written in Manchurian Chinese and whose answers can be found by finding the lost spirits of the ruins and performing tedious fetch quests to appease their tormented souls. But the notes are also shown here in a screenshot sooooo... (Puts down guide and begins to play "The Oath to Order" from Majora's Mask, which causes the scrawled lines to resonant with light, revealing the symbol as the numeral VII) Huh, where have I heard that tune?

(There is a tremendous stomp, followed by another, then another. Arising into view from behind the stadium stomps in a towering leggy giant from Majora's Mask as its grand theme music plays. The Jedi are awed by its massive size)

Anna: Whoa… It's Meatloaf.

(The giant stops before the clearing in front of the Jedi. After a few seconds a large metal airship is dumped onto the clearing a metallic thud)

Cope: Holy crap! It's the Highwind!

Jo: You mean that FFVII airship Highwind? B***hin'!

Sally: (Waving to giant) Thank you Mr. Loaf!

(The giant gives a return wave, then dons some sunglasses as "Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul" starts to play. It then strides over to an immense motorcycle and has somehow adorned a leather jacket, a gargantuan biker helmet and a saxophone. It hops on, revs it up and tears through the ruins in a thunderous roar, taking the music with him. Once everything quiets down)

Anna: Well let's go check this piece of work out!

(They head for the airship. Soon they're onboard and enter the bridge, marveling at the swanky steampunk-like setup)

Will: Cool beans; our very own Final Fantasy airship. And one of the more iconic ones.

Cope: Don't get too excited. Airships don't come around until the last third of the game, so we must be close to the end.

Stan: That's a good thing, then. We're bound to find Dad with this thing, which means we get to go home faster!

Jo: Then let's fire this thing up. Alex, start the engines!

Cope: I don't think that's gonna happen.

Sylvia: Huh? Why not?

Cope: Normally there's an NPC at the wheel you'd talk to to do that, buuuuut he's not here soooooo we're more or less stuck.

Anna: Then let me be that NPC. (Goes to main control wheel)

Sara: You think you can fly this thing, Anna?

Anna: Of course I can. What'd you think I've been doing to support myself before becoming a Sith? I worked for a high stakes courier service for some years. Did the Kessel Run practically every other day.

Cope: But this rig is mid-97 tech. I highly doubt you've flown anything nearly as out of date as this ship.

Anna: Hey hey hey! I've flown things far clunkier than the Millennium Falcon; I can handle this! Besides, I've had far too many passive roles since becoming a good guy. Now's my chance to get the active part and show you a thing or two.

Will: She does make a point.

Anna: Glad you agree, Will. Now shut up and let me handle this bird.

Cope: Alright, since there's no other choice. Everyone assume positions! (Runs into a nearby closet and slams the door closed. The words "Happy Closet" are written on it) You may fire when ready.

Anna: Pfft. Whatever. (Cracks knuckles and grabs throttle) Here we go.

(Rams throttle forward. Outside, the propellers of the airship begin spinning and soon reach a speed that gives the craft lift. As it slowly rises, it begins to sway and tilt dangerously towards the ground and surrounding ruins. On the bridge, things are rattling badly and everyone's losing their balance. Stan takes a bad tumble)

Will: What's wrong with this thing?

Anna: I don't know! She's fighting me for some reason!

Jo: (Pounding closet door) Let me in Alex! Open this friggin' door you coward!

Cope: Find your own shelter!

Rick: Anna! Use this!

(Tosses her the guide, which she flips through)

Anna: Ohhh! Square makes this thing go backwards. Now I know what to do. Sit back, guys!

(She moves some levers, and the ship starts to level out. The Highwind then ascends higher into the sky before stopping and moving forward. Its theme music kicks on as everyone recovers and looks out the front window)

Anna: HA! Told ya I'd get this rig going!

Sara: Wow... It's so pretty down there.

Stan: (Looking queasy) Oh dude… I didn't think we'd be this high… (Runs off, only to puke and collapse)

Sally: (Laughs) Stan can't hold it together! Nah nah!

Sylvia: Don't talk about your brother like that.

Sally: Sorry, Mom.

Sara: (Goes over to Stan) You okay, Stan?

Stan: Urgh. Shakier than a starship…

Sara: Hang on; I think I have some airsick tablets on me.

Stan: Thanks...

Will: Guess that singles out Stan as the team Yuffie.

(Everyone cracks up at this. Suddenly the closet door slams open, smashing Jo into the wall. Cope steps out)

Cope: What's this about Yuffie? Toss that thief overboard! (Walks over Stan in the direction of the forward window) We're flying?

Anna: Yep. We're flying in style!

Cope: Not with this music we're not.

Sylvia: What's wrong with it? It sounds really nice.

Jo: (Crawling out from behind door) You know it's a built-in theme song, right Alex? Guh…

Cope: We'll see about that. Where's the sound system? (Marches over to a wall console)

Anna: What do you think you're doing?

Cope: Seeing about mixing up our flying music. Let's see... (Turns on console. A screen blinks on, showing a DDR select menu)

Cope: What do we have… (Selects FFVI airship music) No. (Chooses FFX airship music) Not feeling it. (FFIV airship) No. (Chrono Trigger airship) No. (Ace Combat 5 music) Maybe another time. (FFVIII airship. "Ride On" plays and Cope is pleased with a most smug grin)

Cope: Oh yes. Much more suitable.

(The tunes roll on as the Highwind flies over the ruins. At some point they reach empty ocean)

Anna: Hey Alex. This monitor thingy says we're entering FFVII airspace, on approach to a… Cosmo Canyon?

Rick: Seriously? We can just jump between games like that?

Cope: Just hold steady. Make sure not to hit—

Anna: Yeah yeah. The guide says what not to fly into so don't get all fussy.

Cope: Pfft.

Sara: So what do we do now? We have an airship and stuff.

Sally: Find Dad, of course!

Will: But how? We still don't know where he is or where we should be right now.

(Anna walks over to them)

Anna: I got this ship on auto-pilot. What breeze yall be shooting here?

Sylvia: Anna, what does the guide say about our next stop?

Anna: Well let's see. (Looks through it confused) That's weird. The rest of the pages are blank after the Highwind instructions.

Cope: What marvelous timing!

Anna: Maybe I missed something from earlier. (Flips through book a bit until) Oh! There's a bio about Sin at the start of the book.

(Jo snags guide)

Jo: Scourge of Spira; armor of the dead; created by Yu Yevon; defeated by Tidus and crew in FFX.

Cope: All that we already know.

(Sara takes guide)

Sara: There's more: It says that some time ago, Sin was revived and continued to be a menace. However, it somehow harnessed the power of the Heartless and gained the ability to warp dimensions.

Will: What about dimensions?

Sara: He can alter and cross different realities.

Cope: What? Give me that! (Snatches guide) "For unexplained reasons, the very body of Sin has become the focal point for multiple dimensional rifts. As it glides along it periodically moves through different dimensions to wreak havoc on places it normally would never exist in. As a result, all the worlds it has gone through have begun to—" (Looks harder at writing, then looks up befuddled) Gradually fuse together?!

(Anna takes it back)

Anna: "Due to this phenomenon, travel between dimensions can occur without the need of portals or iconic airships. However, this new benefit has created many repercussions. The fusion of wholly separate realms has led to the denizens of these realms to behave differently, oftentimes radically. Furthermore, though the native denizens of a dimension never seek out other dimensions, some denizens are randomly plucked and fired through dimensional warps when they get too close to Sin. Sometimes a person or object could wind up in a separate dimension hours before Sin ever gets there."

Rick: What sort of strategy guide is this anyway?

Sally: Bizarre, indeed…

Cope: Are you reading it right? (Snatches it again) Am I reading it right?

Anna: You're fine, Alex. Everything that's there is there.

Cope: It just makes no sense! (Tosses away guide) Why does a strategy guide know so much about us, and about whatever the freak is going on? Who even made this anyway?!

Sara: Did you happen to check for the author name or publisher perchance?

Cope: I completely forgot! Gaaahh!

Jo: Calm down, Alex. Sure it's wiggy as all Hell, but we shouldn't sweat the details too much. That guide has been our best lead so far.

Cope: _Was_ our best lead: the final pages are all blank. You have an idea what we should be looking for at this point?

Sally: Our D—

Cope: (Aggravated pointing) We got that already, Sally!

Sylvia: (Quietly) Hold on… could it be…?

Stan: (Getting back up) Huh? What's that, Mom?

Sylvia: It just might be. It's possible...

Will: What might be? What's possible?

Sylvia: The place we need to go next; our final destination. I might know what it is.

Sally: You do?

Rick: Where?

Sylvia: Sin.

(Le Gasps!)

All: WHAAT!?

Cope: Sin?! Are you serious?

Jo: Are you out of your friggin' mind?!

Will: My thoughts exactly I mean WTF!

Anna: Ain't no way I'm going anywhere near that fish a**!

Rick: Ludicrous!

Jo: Unbelievable!

Stan: I don't know what we're YELLING ABOUT!

Anna: OMG! He said it! The kid's actually said it!

Jo: Strike up the band!

(Fanfare plays as confetti and the cheers of our heroes fill the bridge and the words "First Anchorman Reference Ever!" begin flashing on the screen. Then some random interns with push brooms come in and sweep up the mess, leaving the Jedi in peace and quiet)

Jo: That was just super. Anyways, what the h**l are you talking about Sylvia?

Sylvia: We head for Sin. Right now.

Cope: You saw what he did to Zanarkand, didn't you? And all that asinine written in the guide? Where is that thing, anyway?

Anna: D**n! The interns must have swept it away.

Sylvia: We don't need it; Sin is the only place left for us.

Rick: Why, Mom? What could Sin have that's worth risking our lives?

Sylvia: Your father.

All: Huh?!

Sylvia: It makes sense, taking into consideration what's in the guide about Sin.

Will: Hold on. That thing about people being sent to different dimensions. You're thinking—

Sylvia: Squishy might have run into him, and wound up in a different dimension. I can't sense his presence in the Force, so that has to be the explanation.

Cope: Not to sound overtly pessimistic—

Anna: More than usual?

Cope: Please. Anyway, not to sound negative, but what if Squishy is, well, dead?

Sara: For shame, Alex!

Jo: Ehhh, it's still a possibility.

Sara: Yeah, but even so, shame!

Sylvia: He's sill alive; I can't feel him, but I just know it deep down. And our best chance to find him is to get up to Sin and get warped to wherever he wound up.

Rick: But Mom, even if that's the case, there's no guarantee we'll end up going to where Dad is. The warping is randomized, from what the guide hinted at.

Sylvia: It's still the best possible course for us to follow. Otherwise we'll just be flying around aimlessly.

Will: Well as much as I'd love taking a little air cruise across Video Game Land, I'm all up for tackling giant world-destroying fish monsters. It's been a long time since we fought any one of those.

Cope: We have to be certain about this, everyone. Sin is quite the obstacle, and having the Heartless at his beck and call will make him more so.

Anna: Ahhhhh we can take him. (Waves around her) Especially with this beauty at our fingertips.

Sally: Yeah! We'll whup him!

Stan: For Dad! Oh man I'm getting dizzy again… (Stumbles, but Sara rushes over to hold him up)

Cope: I suppose a rematch was unavoidable. So you have my (begrudging) approval.

Anna: Then let's get this show on the road! (Heads for the steering wheel) I'll fly us outta here and right up to Sin's face in a jiffy.

(Jo comes in carrying a tray laden with several bottles of fluid)

Jo: Since we're about to charge into battle once more, I say we prepare by cracking open some of these soft drinks I just found in that cabinet over there. The fizz might actually help you out, Stan.

Anna: Hey, buddy, those labels say soft "potions", a.k.a. SOFTS!

Jo: Oh… (Looks them over) You know, they do seem to have the consistency of hair gel. (Idea) SAAAAAAAAAAAAaaay—

Cope: Give me those! (Snatches tray)

Jo: My new product!

Cope: Softs are for the weak and slow-footed! (Opens a port window) Anna, fly us out of here.

Anna: Aye aye Mr. Sulu!

Cope: (Tosses out bottles) What did you call me!?

(Outside, the bottles tumble and freefall as the Highwind turns and flies away. The bottles continue falling some distance before smashing and splattering all over a lion statue atop a cliff. As the fluid spreads over the stone, it begins to glow. The glowing grows and spreads all over the statue until it's engulfed in a brilliant light, which then becomes a great ball of light and—)

 **To Be Seen In**

 **Some Other Series…..**

* * *

Verse 6

Clash

— The sky grays with foreboding. The lone fly seeks to conquer the zapper. It will be quite the show.

* * *

(The Highwind speeds through the gray-blue sky. Something ominous can be felt. On the bridge, everyone is tense with anticipation)

Will: There is an ill wind blowing…

Jo: It's probably just me. Too much of those stowed Chocobo rations has left me pretty—

Will: No, that's not it. The world below isn't right.

Anna: These sensor thingies are picking up paranormal vibes from the ground.

(Looking out the front window they all see a panoramic landscape spectrum. Rolling hills, deserts, plains, lakes, icecaps, high-resolution, pixels, LCD. It's a great mish-mash of both biomes and console generations that blurred beneath the ship)

Rick: The worlds really are fusing…

Sally: The guide wasn't kidding: Sin's doing a number on them.

Cope: I can't believe it, but he's become a truly universal menace. Unless stopped, all this will only worsen.

Anna: Hey guys! I'm picking up something, and it's big!

Sara: Where?

Anna: One kilometer ahead.

(Outside in the far distance, hanging in the sky is a great misshapen object of oblong proportions)

Sylvia: There he is!

Jo: Get up to him quick!

Anna: Gotcha!

(The ship speeds forward. But as it's closing in, the distant blob shoots off like a bullet)

Stan: What the heck?

Cope: He's on to us. He's making a run for it!

Sylvia: Step on it, Anna!

(The ship increases speed, but the persuee is getting farther and farther away)

Will: Can't this thing go any faster!?

Anna: It's going as fast as humanly possible, Will! Or inhumanly possible for that matter!

Cope: It's still not good enough! You have to hit Limit Break!

Anna: What?!

Cope: You have to get emotional fast! At an aggravated enough state you'll achieve max power!

Ann: I'd be happy to, but I'm feeling more hyped than pissed right now!

Jo: Then it's hopeless!

Sara: Hold on. I know what to do! (Pulls out a basket of baked goods) Oh Anna~, look what I got.

Anna: (Gasps with glee) Brownies!

Sara: Mmmmm. These brownies sure smell good. Maybe I should put them over here and—Whoooops!

(Pretends to trip and drops basket into a "Random Food Shredder". Anna gasps in shock)

Anna: Nooo! My fudgie goodness! (A limit bar over her head fills half up)

Sara: Such a shame, but I think I spotted some dangling underneath Sin.

Anna: Quuuuuuuuuuuuuuué!? (Her eyebrows raise as her limit bar hits max. She dons a wild look) Those brownies are MINE!

(She Limit Breaks and slams the throttle. The ship bursts forward, tearing through the sound barrier like a bat outta Hell. Everyone on the bridge is hanging onto various fixtures for dear life, yet Anna keeps steady looking crazy)

Anna: Brownies brownies brownies brownies brownies brownies BROWNIES!

Jo: Such an insatiable lust for dessert!

Skullface: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?! (Gets smacked away by Sara)

Sara: Never underestimate the inescapable allure of brownies!

Sally: Wheeeeeeeeee!

(The ship continues to rend the air asunder)

Cope: We're almost near him! Slow down!

Anna: NO WAY! I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Rick: For the love of God slow DOWN!

Stan: (Pressed against a wall) Oh crap I'm gonna—

Anna: IAMTHEVERYMODELOFTHEMODERNMAJORGENERALIHAVEINFORMATIONVEGE—

(Sara tosses a brownie into Anna's mouth. The ship comes to a standstill and everyone but her is thrown into the viewing window. The ship resumes a nice steady speed while everyone tumbles into a heap)

Anna: (Chewing) Mmmmmmm. Moist richness of heart's desire. Mmm nom nom nom...

Jo: Is everyone's skeletal system intact?

Stan: Yeah, but I'm not so sure about my digestion: Look what's out there!

(They look out. Slowly approaching them is the great flying fish-zilla of evil that is Sin. Its very size brings about a dramatic musical sting, and its several dozen massive luminescent eyes glow and swivel around the top of its amphibious head)

Anna: Hooly crap…

Rick: That's one big, ugly mother-f**ker…..

Cope: It is, indeed, Sin Revived.

(They still maintain course toward the groaning behemoth)

Sally: It's like a sky whale…

Sylvia: A whale that's our ticket to your father.

Jo: If you say so. Anna, get us near him so we can bust up out of here.

Anna: Hold on a sec. I got to check it with these "Dimensional Phenomena" goggles.

(She pulls out and looks through some goofy binoculars. After a sec she slams them down)

Anna: D***it! It's all green!

Sara: What does that mean?

Anna: There's no dimensional rift of any kind around him.

Stan: You mean we're gonna crash into him instead of getting teleported?

Jo: Well that's as dandy of a pickle as I've ever seen.

Sylvia: Alex, you know more about the game he's from. Do you know what we need to do to open a portal or rift around him?

Cope: I can't tell you anything, to be honest. Everything's so out of whack I'm uncertain if anything still operates like it should. And all that rift-teleportation is utterly new to me, and the guide didn't mention any mechanics as to how it works.

(Yellow projectiles fire past the Highwind, making it shudder)

Sara: What was that?

Will: Sin just fired on us!

Sylvia: Darn. We'll have to figure this out later. Right now we've got a bigger problem!

Jo: You got that right.

Cope: Then we better go on the offensive for the time-being. Anna, get us close to Sin's right frontal fin.

Anna: What? Are you nuts, Alex?

Cope: Trust me on this. Everyone else, follow me!

(Runs off as "Assault" from FFX starts playing)

Sara: Awww yeeah! It's go time!

Anna: Hey! I need one of ya to stick around in case something blows up. I can't fight fires and fly at the same time, incredible though I am.

Sylvia: I'll stay here, then. Go with Alex, kids.

Rick: Gotcha.

(Everyone but Sylvia follows after Cope. Outside, the group arrives on the observation deck as the ship nears Sin's wing-like fin)

Cope: (Into collar) Anna, can you me?

Anna: Alex? How am I hearing you? Where'd this communicator come from?

Cope: The game always provide these things. That's the way it has always been.

Anna: Oh. Well, sure.

Cope: Now Anna, bring us in nice and slow toward the fin. Once we're in range, we'll engage it in standard turn-based combat. Do you copy?

Anna: You don't have to say copy, Alex. I can just as easily read the subtitles.

Cope: Subtitles? How'd you, ugh, nevermind! Just get us close!

Anna: Roger.

Cope: Alright guys, here's the plan: We're gonna clip this sucka's wings. First we need to soften them up, then take them out with this ship's missile payload. Afterwards, we attack the weakspot on his back, and that should bring him down. Any questions?

Jo: Aren't we supposed to be playing a song to keep him placated first?

Cope: Normally yes, but we'll just have to make do without it.

Jo: Okay.

(They get close enough to the fin so that they can see the flower bud-like object at its base)

Cope: That bud thing is our target. Here's how we're gonna break it down: Sara will start off by casting Haste on us all. Then we'll switch in Sal to whip us up a Hyper Mighty G. Will, you'll then use Lancet to learn a new skill and Sara can back you up with healing spells. Jo can be the hyper-androgynous protagonist, while I play the Black Mage who wipes the floor with some Ultima spells.

Stan: What am I supposed to do?

Jo: Dude, do I even look androgynous to you?

Cope: (Ignoring them) Rick, when we get close enough, you'll use Armor Break on it so we can lay on heavier physical damage.

Rick: I could do that, or I could do it my way.

Cope: Which is?

(Rick steps back, runs, leaps off the deck and falls toward the fin. He lands close to the glowing bud)

Will: That's Rick for ya.

Cope: Dang fool! What's he thinking?

Jo: I don't know, but it looks like he's getting the job done.

(On the fin, Rick has whipped out his saber and begins stabbing the bud, scoring thousands of points of damage)

Cope: It's real-time? Excellent! Alright, new plan: me and Jo will go down there and help Rick, while three of you go for the other fin simultaneously. It's three because that's the party limit in this reference we're making.

Will: Dang Square…

Cope: (Into comm) Anna! Bring the Highwind around to the other fin! (To others) You'll have to decide who stays behind, but make it quick. Come on, Jo. (Leaps off deck)

Jo: (Follows Cope) Tali-Hooooooooo!

(After they land on the fin, the Highwind swings around the front of Sin and gets up to the left fin)

Sara: Me and Will are definitely going, so just one of you is coming.

Stan: Guess we should Roshambo this one, sis.

Sally: Sure thing.

(They prepare for Rock Paper Scissors)

Stan: Alright: Rock Paper Scis— (Gets shoved off deck by Will)

Sally: Good luck, Stan!

Will: Let's go!

(Will and Sara leap off after the yelling Stan. On the bridge)

Anna: Alex? Alex! What's going on?

(Sally walks in)

Sally: Hey Anna!

Anna: Sal? What're you doing here?

Sally: I'm here to help. The others are out on the fins.

Sylvia: On the what?!

(Back on Sin, the Jedi commence their stabbing attack. On the left fin, Stan recovers from his sudden fall but gets greeted by the inky Heartless Shadows)

Stan: (Leaping back) Waah!

Will: Stan! Cover us!

Stan: What!? I got to face these things alone?

(A Shadow leaps at him, but gets struck down by Stan's claw out of fear reflex. On the other fin, the other three Jedi face the same nuisance, with Rick and Jo alternating defensive stances)

Cope: Keep those things of my back!

Rick: Yeah yeah yeah.

Jo: Man, Rick, you're acting like you're used to this.

Rick: Aren't you? (Cuts down a Shadow) You're older than me, more experienced.

Jo: Yeah, meaning I know when not to pull off crazy stunts when it's unnecessary. Than again, it's been awhile since I got to have an epic moment of my own.

Rick: Eh, it's bound to happen. For everyone.

Jo: Even for your brother?

Rick: Maybe?

Cope: (Still stabbing bud) Guys! In case you forgot, we're in the midst of an epic boss battle here!

Rick: Right! Back to it, "gramps".

Jo: What? Dag-gum whipper-snapper!

(They continue the attack. At some point the fin buds turn gray and the Heartless stop coming)

Cope: This bud is toast, guys, and the other one should be too! (Into comm) Anna! Fly in and pick us up!

(On Highwind)

Anna: Roger!

(Gives steering wheel a great spin. The vessel swings around and flies close to Sin, so that as it passes the fins the Jedi attackers leap onto the observation deck. Afterwards the ship moves away as the Jedi regroup on the bridge)

Cope: Anna, the fins are weakened.

Ann: Uh-huh. So what, he's gonna start sinking or something?

Cope: We need to blow those things off with missiles first. Get us far enough away so you can fire like crazy.

Anna: Got it! Big booms here we come!

(The Highwind flies a good distance from Sin before turning around to face him)

Will: Oh yeah! It's Double Whammy time!

Jo: Nothing like front row seats to fireworks. I say we're far enough.

Anna: Yup. Now how do I sic this puppy?

Cope: Do you see the shiny red button?

(Show large button by main wheel)

Anna: Yeah.

Cope: Push the shiny red button.

Anna: Ha ha! There we go! (Holds palm over button) Say goodnight, ugly!

(Slams button. Outside, dozens of missiles fire from the Highwind and go screaming at Sin. They go 90° up then slam straight down before exploding all at once. An immense fireball forms that quickly blackens into smoke clouds)

Sylvia: Bullseye!

Sally: We got him! Yay!

Jo: Now we can go home and brag about our— (The clouds disperse to reveal Sin still intact) Oh God-D***it, I was just about to finish my awesome line!

(An invisible barrier blinks away from Sin)

Cope: A barrier!? That's not supposed to be there!

Anna: Denied my sweet fiery carnage, blast it all! (Slams fist on console)

(Outside, the desecrater of souls lets out a slow, condescending chortle)

Anna: (Getting ticked) You laughing at me? You think yer some kind of comedian, don't ya? (Whips out a purple disk with "AR" written on it) We'll see who's laughing after some of this s**t!

(Puts disk into a hard drive, then she pulls out a PS2 controller and starts mashing out a long string of button presses. Outside, two metal arms pop out of the ship and bring up a metal cylinder. The cylinder shoots out a ginormous lightsaber beam, and the arms start swinging it around in a flashy display. Sin's ugly face makes a rather hilarious surprised look)

Cope: Where the H**l did that come from?

Anna: Action Replay. High quality. Never leave home without it.

Cope: You're using CHEAT CODES?!

Jo: Anna! How could—

Anna: Not now! I've got payback to render!

Rick: Oh man…

(Outside, the arms and ship makes a threatening saber pose)

Anna: (Loudspeakers) Alright wise-a**: Let's try that AGAIN!

Sin: *meep...*

(The arms raise the saber high and bring it down with guillotine force, cutting off Sin's right frontal fin. The left-side fin is sliced off just as quickly, but then the screen starts glitching out, causing the arms to lose their grip and drop the Mega-Saber. The arms retract back into the ship, which causes the screen to normalize. On the bridge)

Sara: What happened to Mega-Saber?

Anna: The game's resisting cheat codes. It was gonna crash if I didn't deactivate them.

Cope: Serves you right for such a dishonorable tactic. Only the terminally lazy and unskilled would sink to such lows.

Rick: Gaming integrity aside, how are we going to finish off Sin? He's still floating out there.

(Show the dismembered beast with glowing lights pouring out of its wounds)

Will: Left one heck of a scratch on it, though.

Cope: We stick to the plan and move on to the next phase: Striking the back. Fly us over him, Anna.

Anna: I'm on it.

Jo: Everyone to the observation deck, again!

Sylvia: And I'm coming along this time. If that's okay with you, Anna.

Anna: Yeah yeah, I don't think there's gonna be any fires at this point.

Sally: Sweet!

(Our combatants leave. On the observation deck, the Highwind goes into position high over Sin)

Cope: That's good, Anna, keep it steady. Now who'd like to jump first?

Sally: (Running) Banzaiiiiiiiiii! (Leaps off deck)

Jo: Hey! Senior members first!

(Everyone leaps after her. One by one they land on the great, dry, scaly back of Sin, though Stan faceplants)

Stan: (Getting up) I'm okay.

Sylvia: Sally, you know you're supposed to pick out a landing spot before jumping off like that.

Sally: Sorry Mom. Just got caught up in the moment!

(Everyone runs forward. They stop before the base of Sin's two topside fins)

Cope: There it is: The Back Core.

(Show large bud thing in-between fins)

Sara: Doesn't look different from the others.

Stan: Shouldn't those Heartless things be sprouting up now? (Something rises up before the bud) Oh crap on me.

Will: Stand ready!

(They hold ground as a plant-like dome forms before them. It pulls back its leafy coverings to reveal: A paper-thin Onion headed person in a karate gi)

Jedi:...!

Cope: What... The… F***…?

(Master Onion makes some karate moves)

M. Onion: Hyyyyyywoochebuchebede CHAAA!

 _Kick! Punch! It's all in the mind._

 _If you wanna test me, I'm sure you'll find_

 _That the things I teach ya is sure to beat ya._

 _Nevertheless you'll get a lesson from teacher now_

 _Kick_ —

(Head gets lopped off by a surprise rushing slash from Rick. The body crumples and sinks back into Sin)

Sara: What was that about?

Rick: We don't have time for rap battles.

Sally: Ohhhh, but it sounded real catchy!

Cope: You did the smart thing, Rick.

Will: Yeah. Now we can—

(The surface starts rumbling)

Sylvia: Now what?

(Juices start shooting out of the spot Master Onion was in, then bursting out with sickening noise comes a really tall, vicious plant monster! 15 feet tall, it has two blades for arms and one nasty bug head atop its stalk. The thing rears back to deliver a screeching roar that covers everyone with its putrid breath. Stan turns and flees like a little girl)

Rick: What, Alex, is that exactly?

Cope: The actual guardian, whose name escapes me at the moment…

(The plant starts slobbering with glowing eyes)

Sylvia: Guys…?

Cope: Fall back! Regroup so we can strategize!

Sally: Wait up, Stan!

(They all turn and flee except for Jo, who just stands with arms crossed and a smug look on his face)

Jo: Heheh… Seems my moment's arrived.

(Grabs his robe and tears off the upper half, revealing a chest covered in a ludicrous amount of hair. God of War battle music kicks on as he runs at the plant thing and goes Kratos on it, dodging its scything strikes and punching its limbs away barehanded in time to on-screen button prompts. The Jedi turn around and are stupefied by this action)

Cope: What the freak is he doing?!

Will: Whooping his a**, that's what!

(At this point some button commands lead Jo to ramming one of the plant beast's arms into the ground, grabbing and ripping off the other one, then slicing off the other arm with it. Green fluid sprays everywhere as he grabs hold of an arm and starts climbing)

Sara: Go Jo Go! Go Jo Go! Go Jo Go!

Sylvia: You can do it!

Rob Schneider: Tear his frickin' head off!

(As Jo climbs the monster, the button commands get more complex in order for him to punch and kick his way up. There's analog stick commands, trigger commands, algebraic equations, fill-in recipe ingredients, The Meaning of Life= 42, all of them being inputted or answered correctly. He gets to the head, where he whips out a thermal detonator and rams it down the monster's throat. He leaps off it, lands, and runs past the others)

Jo: Run for it IT'S GONNA BLOW!

(The others run hurriedly with him. Seconds later, a ginormous blast that can be seen far from Sin goes off and sends the Jedi flying off him. Fortunately the Highwind flies by and land on it. The immense blast continues to rock the fell beast's back, causing him to steep downwards with a pained groan. He plummets faster before hitting the ground and creating a massive dust cloud from the impact, the sound of which reverberates several seconds after. Back on the Highwind, the Jedi re-enter the bridge again)

Stan: Man that was close.

Anna: You guys actually did it! Sin is down!

Jo: Correction: I did it.

Anna: Yeesh, Jo, put on a shirt or something. I did not sign up to see your lack of manscaping.

Sally: It was cool! He was all wham bam Macho Man-like!

Sara: He was amazing. He did it all with his bare hands.

Rick: A most impressive display of impromptu manliness… Wait, did I really just say that?

Sylvia: What's important is that Sin is on the ground, so we can breathe easy.

Will: (Looking out window) Yeah, although he smooshed the entire Star Tropics franchise in the process.

(We see the site of impact where Sin's bulk is stuck in the ground amidst the wreckage of a criminally-underrated franchise)

Cope: Surely a loss that will be felt by hipster retro fans everywhere… But no point dwelling on the past. What's important is that we're still here and victorious.

Anna: How bout we all chill a bit now that it's quiet. Jo, let me knit you up something decent at least. I'm sure there's something here I can use.

Jo: What is up with everyone hating my chest hair? It's manly, d***it!

(After some rest and a quick knitting, the Jedi discuss their latest development)

Jo: This robe feels pretty nice, Anna.

Anna: Thanks, Jo.

Will: Alright: we defeated Sin, but no portals have popped up. What do we do now?

Cope: In the original game, the heroes entered Sin through a portal beneath his mouth.

Sylvia: How come it wasn't just the mouth?

Cope: No idea.

Rick: So the portal is just somewhere around Sin's mouth?

Jo: Which means we got some digging to do. Time to get messy again, guys.

Sara: But I don't have nearly enough medical gloves on me.

Sylvia: It won't matter if we're quick enough. Take us down, An—

(The entire ship begins rattling)

Anna: What in tarnation!?

Sally: Uh, guys, something's happening to Sin!

(On the ground below, the fleshy hulk shudders a bit before four great pink scaly wings sprout from its back. Then slowly and gracefully, Sin rises up off the ground and toward the heavens before hovering in front of the Highwind, dirt falling off his gargantuan underside. The immense visage of the reawakened beast is both striking and grand in the most intimidating way)

Stan: (Waving arms wildly) Ah F**K, he's entered Angel Form! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! YAAAAAAAAAAAA— (Gets slapped silent by Cope)

Cope: Get ahold of yourself, man! I refuse to have another drama queen like your father in our ranks right at this critical moment!

Jo: I think his reaction is justified, Alex. I mean just look at that!

Cope: It's nothing to fret about. In fact, this was expected.

Sara: Really?

Cope: Sin's supposed to sprout wings and look more bad-a** after his crash landing. I'm actually quite surprised he waited this long to do it.

Will: And you were gonna tell us this when?

Sylvia: That's not important! What do we do?

Cope: What else? Partake in the final battle, which we'll need to fight on the very top of the ship.

Anna: Then I'll come along. A pop-up here says the captain's presence is needed to open the top hatch.

Cope: What pop-up?

Sally: Everyone's going to fight together for this!

Jo: Excellent! (Air guitars) Now move up!

(Everyone leaves the bridge. Later, a hatch on top of the ship opens and the Jedi climb up onto the Highwind's top. They hurry over to the most forward point)

Stan: I really don't like this!

Will: Bite down on some jerky and stay focused!

Stan: But I don't have any—

Jo: Here we go, gang!

Sally: Yeah!

Rick: We're coming for you Dad!

(They enter an FFX battle screen. The first action of the fight has the Highwind drawing closer to Sin, as though pulled towards him)

Cope: We have to beat him before his Overdrive meter fills!

Anna: Alright! (She casts Thundaga on him, but it does only about 1000 damage) I got him!

Cope: That's great, Anna. Now just 139,000 HP to go in 7 turns.

Anna: What?!

Jo: Alex, I can't hit him! He's out of range!

Stan: I got that covered! (Pulls out a soccer ball and tosses it at Sin, but it bounces off doing 1 HP damage) What the freak?

Cope: Stan you moron that was just a regular soccer ball!

Stan: What difference does it make?

(The ship rumbles as it is drawn closer to Sin)

Cope: Haste us, someone!

Jo: Got it! (Casts Hasteaga)

Cope: Sara! Bless his a**!

Sara: Okay! (Casts Holy, but it does only 2000)

Sally: Hey! Maybe we can scare it away with money! (Uses spare change but only does 100 damage)

Anna: My retirement fund you dintz!

Jo: More like fudge money.

Anna: What was that, Dirty Hairy?

(They're drawn closer to Sin so that he's just meters from them. His Overdrive meter is a little over a quarter full)

Cope: Give him all you got, guys!

(He slashes down but only does a few hundred. Rick uses Armor Break but Sin is Immune. Will uses Fire Breath by downing a bottle of Tequila and spitting a fireball for little damage. Jo uses Quick Hit, Anna Double Casts Flare, Sara Prays, Stan uses the Hide ability, Sylvia uses Cut and Cope uses Slice & Dice. After all that, Sin's HP is still over 100k and his meter is nearly full)

Sylvia: It's nearly there!

Anna: What do we do?!

Will: Well, I say now's a good time to give a few parting words or get some things off our chests.

Cope: Alternatively, I could do this: (Walks back a bit, then runs past the others)

Anna: What are you—?

Cope: (Leaps off ship) Alex MoMEEEEEEENT!

(He soars through the air and lands on the tip of Sin's snout as "Revived Power" from Shadow of the Colossus blares on. Cope draws his lightsaber and dashes up Sin's face between its many eyes. Sin backs up a bit and starts shaking and bucking as best a fish-zilla can do. As Cope runs along, Heartless rise up to intercept him, but are just as quickly cut down. He parries, leaps, slashes, hilt smacks and upward thrusts through Shadows, Soldiers, Wyverns, Mages, Pirates, and Big Fat Fatties, while on the sidelines a group of perky Asian cheerleaders cheer him on. Occasionally the behemoth's motions cause him to stumble, but he recovers quickly and keeps sprinting upward)

(Finally he reaches the group of buildings on Sin's shoulders, and in the middle of them is a glowing sigil in the ground. Cope leaps on top of the symbol, grabbing flesh and hanging on against the rocking of Sin. When things settle he raises his saber, and after charging a bit he stabs the symbol, causing 34,000 damage and Sin to groan. Blood sprays from the wound as Cope pulls out his saber and stabs again. Half of Sin's HP goes away and he continues to shake more violently as his Overdrive Meter steadily fills. Copes lands a third stab, but this time he loses his grip and is tossed away. The Meter becomes full and Sin readies his ultimate attack, but Cope runs at the symbol, leaps and delivers a falling thrust stab, finishing off the monster's HP at the song's climax. Sin screeches and gives one great head toss that sends Cope flying back to the Highwind. He lands among the awed Jedi in a crouch, stands up, claps his hands and holds them up in victory, all while maintaining composure)

Cope: Bow to me, for I have just saved the day. Me and me alone. Hail the Copeland.

Jo: Yeah, you saved the day, but you also killed Sin!

("The End of the Battle" from SotC plays as Sin writhes around in his death throes, slowly getting paler from the fountain of blood still shooting up from his head)

Cope: Oh right… The Shadow of the Colossus method is always a guaranteed fatality.

(Sin begins to slowly descend, the Highwind keeping pace)

Will: He's not opening his mouth.

Sylvia: What happens next, Alex?

Cope: Let's see... After being fully defeated, Sin would plummet and explode in a marvelous blast.

Anna: But we haven't been sucked in or anything.

Rick: Meaning once Sin explodes—

Cope: There'll be no portal, yes.

Sylvia: What? No, that can't be it. After all that work, we get nothing? No! I'm not accepting that! Not after coming this far, and with EVERYTHING we did!

Jo: Sylv, calm down—

(Sylvia runs to the edge of the ship)

Sylvia: Hey you ugly bulbous scaly son of a b****! Open your God-D**n mouth and let us in you fish-f***er! Do you hear me you Fat-A**hole?!

Stan: Oh man, Mom's gone mental.

Sally: Totally…

Rick: Can you blame her?

Sylvia: Let Us In! You're not doing this to me! I've gone through too much s**t to just be left here with nothing to show for it! Do as I say or I'll gouge out every one of your fugly eyes while you can still feel pain!

 **Murrrrrrr…**

(Everyone looks around for the strange sound)

Anna: Did anyone else hear that?

Will: Like something throbbing in my head.

 **Muuuuuuuurrrrrrrr…..**

Cope: Is, is that Sin?

 **Sin… Is what I am…..**

Stan: Holy crap he's actually talking to us!

Sally: Freaky that it's in our thoughts.

 **Who disturbs me….. In my time…. Of final solace…?**

Sylvia: Sin! Tell me: did a small creature in a brown robe come to you? Was he named Squishy?

 **I have… Taken a great many….. But a Squishy… Was one of them…**

 **It was special… It wasn't like the rest… It was… Different….**

Sylvia: What did you do to him?

 **I consumed him… His will… His being… Opened my maw…..**

 **It was…. Peculiar….**

Rick: So Dad did come to him. Or bumped into him, probably.

Sylvia: Sin! Open your mouth! Let us all in!

 **… What….?**

Jo: (Goes up to Sylvia) Sylv, take it easy. This may not be— (Gets shoved back)

Sylvia: No! I want you to open up! Let us inside you!

 **But why…? For what reason…. Would you risk yourself….**

 **To enter the core of a dying beast….. What is it that you seek…?**

Sylvia: What I seek… What I seek is… wholeness.

("At the Bottom of Night" from Chrono Trigger plays)

 **…..?**

Sylvia: That small creature, Squishy, was someone very special. Someone who left us some time ago. He was an important part of our lives. But, he was most important to me. He gave me the most happiness in all my life, gave me a family, and saved my life several times. When he left, I became incomplete. It felt like my world had gone gray, that the light in my life had faded. Nothing seemed right, to the point it practically became unbearable.

Stan: Mom...

Sylvia: So I, all of us, have come here to bring him back. We have been through much… so much… and I just want to end it and go back home, with him. You're the only one who can do that for us. For me…

 **… You hold… The same essence as him…. A sense of determination… Longing…. You seek the same thing he does….. And show the same will to get it…**

Jo: Good job, Sylv. Way to sucker him in for us.

Anna: (Pulling back Jo) Uh, Jo, ixnay on the insensitay.

 **Very well… You shall enter me…. Know that once you are in… You cannot go back… For my time….. Is almost up… Will you still go…?**

Sylvia: (Firmly) Absolutely.

 **Good…. What lies beyond….. Nothing is certain… The Nether Realm… Has no foreseeable form…. But if you remain certain… Harbor no doubt….. The path… May be revealed….**

Will: Eyes on the prize, got it.

 **Now go…. Face the unknown… And possibly… The one….. Most precious to you all…..**

(The dying hulk stretches open its gargantuan mouth, lights and gas gathering within to form a huge shining ball of blue. The Highwind is drawn in, only to disappear along with the ball. Sin then hits the ground, and in a great thunderous roar he goes off in a megaton blast of fire and tormented souls)

 **But that's enough serious stuff.**

 **Time for Happy!**

(Ending credits music from "Not Another Team Movie" plays as the credits roll. Then it stops as we're shown a door with a shadow over it. There's some knocking)

Interior Voice: Just a minute!

(The door opens to reveal a certain red-haired lion dog)

Red XIII: (Gasps) Father?!

(The music and credits blare on again, but soon come to an end)

* * *

 _What awaits us now…?_


	3. Episode 3 Part 1

**Steve Warz**

 **Episode [Trinity]:**

 **Reunion**

 _Wow: What a trilogy so far! Such action, emotion, adventure, cameos, and let's not forget the excessive gaming references! To the point:_

 _Sylvia Ssi-Ruuk, in search of her lost beloved Squishy, found herself along with the other Jedi lost after being sucked into the A** of Sin. In the darkness that followed she had a close call with the Financer (Shockers!) and experienced her moment of greatest uncertainty. Before she succumbed, however, a familiar tune snapped her out of her depressed stupor and back into the world of the living._

 _Awaking in the famed ruins of Zanarkand, Sylvia and the others continued their search with the aid of a mysterious strategy guide. With this guide, our heroes acquired the legendary airship Highwind and set sail through the lofty skies. Using information from the guide, Sylvia deduced that Squishy had likely headed to Sin in hopes of being teleported back home via its mysterious rift powers. Thus, the Jedi followed suit._

 _A fierce battle in the air ensued between Jedi and Sin, mixing up both traditional and unconventional strategies. In the end, the great beast was defeated and opened its gargantuan maw, allowing the Jedi to proceed with their quest._

 _But what exactly lies in wait deep within the maw? What horrors may be waiting in the mysterious "Nether Realm"? Will Sylvia, Jo, Copeland, and the rest find Squishy, or even a way back home for that matter? Well shut up and read! The only way to know is to move forward, ya dig?_

* * *

Verse 7

Trials

— The Searchers have broken through. But will they find salvation, or Hell? Only the Watchers know…

* * *

(Darkness. The Jedi walk through an empty void)

Sara: What is this place?

Sally: And where'd the Highwind go?

Sylvia: Is this still the inside of Sin, Alex?

Cope: I can't really tell. Normally there's a misty sea and some ruins, some stars, but not nothing.

Will: At least it's not the Internet, thankfully.

(They stop)

Rick: This place's a lot like the void we were in months ago.

Stan: What void?

Jo: Seriously? Would it kill them to throw us some fresh scenery for a final location? Someplace colorful or shiny, or at least full of _something_. How many times does this make where we enter a realm of black nothingness so far?

Sara: Guess it's tradition.

Jo: Tradition my tookiss! Just the smallest snippet of variety is all I'm asking, like a potted plant or a splotch of color on _anything_! God this is getting old!

Cope: Man Jo, you're starting to sound like me. Is it really that bad?

Jo: Of course not! It's been hours since I had an Altoid, and unless I'm hopped up on mints or there's something catching my attention I get critical!

 _Ah, Jedi, I've been expecting you._

(Came a coarse, evil voice from the void. Then a heinous mechanical cackle rang out, and appearing over the Jedi comes a nasty white and red painted doll head)

 _Welcome to my Playground._

Stan: AH! Evil Clown Head!

Cope: That's no ordinary clown head: That looks to be Jigsaw, I'm afraid.

Anna: J-Jigsaw?!

Jo: Who?

Jigsaw: Your powers of deduction over the obvious never fail to bore me.

Rick: Who is this guy? And why is he talking down to us?

Jigsaw: The first answer should be obvious, seeing how your grotesquely tall friend just said it. I am indeed Jigsaw, though I am not John. Rather, I am the embodiment of all of John's desires in the shape of his favored persona. Thus, I am the one true Jigsaw.

Jo: So what does Sawjig here do anyway?

Jigsaw: Your feigned ignorance doesn't amuse me. What I do is play games. Games that determine someone's worth in life, and where exactly they fit in the grand scheme.

Cope: That pretty much sums him up.

Sylvia: So why are you here?

Jigsaw: I'm here to test you: To see if you're worthy enough to continue your journey.

Anna: Why?

Jigsaw: You're all playthings to the Gods; however, you refused to be played. You fought your masters, claiming to have actual reasons to exist besides for entertainment. Yet I'm not convinced. I still don't see what use you all can be other than as mere tools. I'm here to test your claims and see if such purposes are really there. I am also here to see which of you hold a future, and which of you need to be erased in the name of progress.

Sally: Has anyone ever told you that you have a really mean voice?

Rick: So what is it that we have to do to "prove" ourselves?

Jigsaw: Play my game. It's just that simple.

Sara: And what is this game?

Jigsaw: I was about to show you.

(Appearing before them are 9 identical doors arranged in a semi-circle. Each door has a single red letter on it)

Jigsaw: The doors before you lead to trials of various types. The letters on the doors indicate which of you goes through them, and what kind of adversity waits on the other side. These trials will test you in two categories: Your strengths… And your weaknesses. They will determine if your talents are up to snuff and worth keeping in this story by testing your ability to follow my directions, as well as to how good your survival instincts are. Upon successful completion of the trial, you shall be dropped back here for further instructions, i.e. gain entry to your next destination.

Jo: So complete the trials and move on…

Anna: Or die trying.

Cope: Well it was nice knowing you all, but I guess some have to fall to make a bridge.

Jigsaw: Oh, and there's one catch: If you wish to proceed, all of you must survive the trials. If even one of you doesn't make it, the rest of you will wallow in the endless darkness as I laugh over your failure for all eternity.

Cope: What? Are you s****ing me?!

Jigsaw: I'm dead serious. Here is just a taste of the consolation prize.

(He does his signature cackle which reverberates through everyone's skulls with piercing force. After some seconds it ends)

Jigsaw: Those are the stakes, and the trials are your only way forward. Win or die: Make your choice.

Let the games begin.

Cope: (Pissed) I can't believe this! Who does he think he is dictating bulls**t like that? _Everyone_ must survive? That's the most biased ruling since having me be put in that God-D**n crotch seat in trilogy 6!

Anna: That'll do, pig. That'll—

Cope: NO! I demand justice!

Will: Let's just go through these doors and get all this over with you crybaby. It's not like there's any other choice than to have our ears slowly bleed us out to death.

Cope: Wah!

(They all walk to the doors)

Stan: Uh, Mr. Jigsaw, me and my sister have the same first letter in our names.

Sally: Yeah, what about that?

Sara: I have the same first letter, too.

Jigsaw: It matters not; your hearts will lead you to the right one.

(With some uncertainty they all stand before their respective doors)

Jigsaw: Now step through the gate, confront your fate, and pray for your comrades' success. Have a nice trip.

(All the doors fly open and everyone's sucked into them. They slam shut, and all goes dark)

* * *

 **At this point, you can select each individual trial from the chapter selection bar.**

 **You may read each character's trial in any order, or only some of them.**

 **Or, if you so choose, you can skip them entirely and resume the story by selecting "Episode 3 Part 2".**

 **But then, where's the reward in that?**


	4. Jo's Trial

**The Trial**

 **of**

 **Joseph Webbol**

(Darkness)

Jo: Oh not again! Well at least this time I can't see myself. Why does it feel like a closet?

 _Hello Joseph._

Jo: Bwuh! Who said that? Hacksaw?

 _You are among the first of the original Jedi. Not only that, but their defacto leader. A position both highly lauded and highly respected, and you behaved accordingly to your station. But over the years something changed. Although you held importance and relevance in the grand story, you also began to lose something else: Your integrity._

 _You became more vain, selfish, worrisome about your looks. Simply put, you became a china doll with Force powers. In the end, looks and recognition were all that really mattered to you. In my world I find such indulgences weak, and utterly disgusting coming from what was once a high-standing individual. Now you are here to prove if your immaculate looks reflect your inner self, or is merely a fragile mask to cover for a personality that had shriveled up long ago._

Jo: Who're you calling a china doll? You're not exactly a real boy yourself.

 _Step through the door and face your trial._

Jo: What door? Oh wait, there's a knob here.

(Sound of a knob turning, then lights flood the screen. We enter a swinging discotech to the accompaniment of groovy lights, fabulous fashion and the disco remix of Beethoven's 5th : The luxuriant era of the 1970's. Jo walks in and stops past the club's entryway, revealing himself decked out in a spiffy blue and white leisure suit. His hair is slightly afro-ish, and he checks himself out)

Jo: What the h***? Daaayy**, I'm looking fresh! Where is this place, anyway?

(A nearby jukebox plays a disc with a gruff voice)

Jigsaw: It's Friday night and the lights are low. The party is fiery hot and the ladies gather to fan the flames of desire.

Jo: A recording? Man that's bogus!

Jigsaw: However, it is one thing to look the stud. You also need confidence and charisma to back up the goods. Within this club are 30 sensual women, all of them looking for a good time. You are to sway these ladies to your very whim, make them move with your every step before the stroke of midnight. A man of your professed expertise should have no problem accomplishing such a feat. Then again, were you ever so fly in your world? Get laid or sleep alone; make your choice. Let the game begin. (End recording)

Jo: Til midnight? (Looks up at overhead clock to see it 30 minutes to 12) Typical: 30 dames in 30 minutes. No problem. (Huffs and swings arms) I can do this. I am the Man!

(Gives a twirl and walks off to the bar with a soul swagger as "Night Fever" sets in. He approaches a lone woman in a green dress by the bar. He's somehow grown a sexy mustache)

Jo: Hey baybuh: How bout I slip you out of those dry clothes and into a wet martini?

Woman: Excuse me?

(Jo's mustache falls off)

Jo: Ya want a drink?

Woman: Get away from me!

(Storms off. Jo leans against the bar and huffs)

Jo: Doesn't matter. That just means 29 more lucky ladies for me.

(Struts off. He comes upon two ladies chatting it up near one of the far tables)

Jo: Hey, you two look a little lonely. Maybe you can come with me and I can care for you oh so nicely.

(Woman in a red dress tosses a drink onto his suit)

Woman: Your threads got a stain. You could care for that oh so nicely.

(They both giggle and walk off, leaving Jo looking quite burned)

Jo: That's alright. I saw that coming. I know how things work, and the next one will be THE one.

(He walks off. He comes to a table and sits with the woman there)

Jo: Has anyone ever told you what gorgeous eyes you have?

Woman: Are you saying that just to get into my dress?

Jo: Aren't all souls dresses in one form or another?

(Woman gets up and throws her drink in Jo's face)

Woman: Perv!

(Walks off. Jo just sits there with cocktail dripping off his face)

Jo: I am feeling quite parched.

(Wags himself off and heads for the bar. Once there)

Jo: Barkeep! Get me a drink! (Cracks knuckles while waiting) Gotta get my jiggy juice. I need to focus and flow like a sex panther. (Martini glass presented to him) Thanks man. (Downs drink in one gulp) Now back to work.

(Tosses away glass and continues the hunt. He comes to a fiery Latina in a satin dress)

Woman: What do you want, gringo?

Jo: I only want you to check out my new shoes. (Reveal him wearing platform shoes) Custom made 6+ inches. Offers you more man than you can handle.

Woman: Sounds like a personal problem to me.

Jo: Not unless you're in it with me. Grrow.

(Lady snaps fingers and several banditos crowd around Jo's ankles making mechanic noises. They disperse to show Jo without his added 6 inches, revealing his shortness to the lady)

Jo: NO! You jacked my height!

Woman: Don't try playing that fake height game with me, pendejo.

(Snaps fingers then sashays off. Jo returns to the bar)

Jo: Two shots o' Jack.

(Two shot glasses are presented and he downs them both. Now he goes over to a short black lady)

Jo: You lookin' for a wild ride, honey?

Woman: I don't know bout that. But if you're really man enough, then you should take it up with my boyfriend Tiny.

Jo: Tiny? Where is this guy? I'll slug him one two then you and I can— (A huge black man of muscle and 8 feet walks over) Why do I fall for the apparent set-up?

(Some punching noises and Jo is thrown hard against a wall and onto the ground. He slowly gets up, only to be conked by a falling dart board. At the bar he downs four shots. Now he swaggers over to some ladies by a jukebox)

Jo: Hey ladies: Here's something I learned in, uh, er, Korea. (Hits jukebox with fist. "If You Were Gay" starts playing) Hey that's not right. (Hits juke again. "YMCA" starts playing) Hey!

(Hits it again. "Raining Men" plays. Hits it repeatedly only to get more gay songs. The girls walk away, very much annoyed. At the bar, Jo drinks from a lady's slipper. Now he's with some blonde close to the bar)

Jo: You know, chica, I invented the Internet.

Woman: What's the Internet?

Jo: Oh duude! I'm like totally undressing you with my mind! Ugh… Is that a mole or a third nipple, cuz I'm cool with that.

(Get slaps s**tless by dame. Now Jo drinks from a funnel as frat boys tell him to chug. Later)

Jo: Hey there sweet thing, why the long face?

Horse: Swell, another comedian.

(Jo gets bucked in the face for his trouble. At the bar, the bartender is pouring up a fresh martini glass)

Jo: That's not gonna cut it, man. I need the extra stuff.

(Bartender brings up Das Boot from "Beer Fest" and fills it up. Later Jo is holding the empty boot next to slot machine)

Jo: (Talking to machine) Come on, baby! I need someone to care for me. Love me please! (Starts feeling it up) Yeah, don't hide it. I know you like it. Yeah, I like it too. (Starts kissing it all over) Oh baby… (Kiss) You know how to turn me on. (Kiss kiss) Let's run away. (Kiss) Far away.

(He gets all over the machine, kissing and touching. Then its lever shoots up between Jo's legs and hits his groin, making him keel over)

Jo: AAAAAHH! My Manberries! Oooh and ow ow ow! I getcha too? Yeah, you're excited. You know how to treat a man right.

(Continues to feel up and embrace the machine, until it falls over and crushes him)

Jo: (Pained) Ack! My ribcage! Gack, hack!

(Now we're shown the clock at 11:50, and Jo is slumped at the bar all dirty and looking like s**t. He holds up a shot glass)

Jo: Here's to me! (Downs shot) And to the most humiliating night of my life. (Tosses glass in frustration) What does all this mean anyway? That I'm not sexy? Peh! I'm still good. I am the KING! (Starts pouting) Who am I kidding? I'm terrible; a complete fraud! When did I lose my game? Did I even _have_ game to begin with? Oh man I'm SO DRUNK! (Continues silly pouting)

Patron: Hey shut up! And take some mints; your breath smells like a**!

Jo: BAH what do you know? No mint could ever cleanse me of all the lies I have told myself! No mint could ever erase the emotions that rupture my words! And there's no "could" that could further explain why I'm such waste of skin and magnificent hair, hopelessly frittering away my life trying to assert my fragile mascuuuuuuuuu—

(There's a display of mints nearby on the bar, and the highest mint of all is a tin of Altoids)

Jo: (Eyes shining) My Mojo!

(Rushes to the display and snatches the tin with indescribable joy on his face. He slowly brings his hand up to the tin, grab its lid, and begins to open it. When it's open, lo and behold there are the well-rounded confections, giving off a soft, white glow that bathes Jo's face in refreshing glory. An angelic choir plays as Jo raises the tin over his head and dumps the contents into his salivating mouth. He swishes them with sheer rapture on his face, then the choir raises its volume as a great fresh minty aura rushes from him. His outfit is free of stains, pressed, crisp, and his hair has gained its former luster. He holds the sexy stance of Ron Burgundy, his eyes aglow with blue fire)

Barkeep: (Tapping Jo's shoulder) Hey, buddy, you have to pay for those. Buddy? You listening to me?

(Gets hand in face and shoved forcefully back with a crash by Jo)

Jo: (Sexy British Accent) Oh Behaaave!

(Gives a twirl and struts off, "Staying Alive". There's a new soul in his step as he walks past the patrons with a suave, confident look of sensual persuasion. People all around notice him and look on as he struts along. He passes one amazed black man)

B. Man: D***, that's a smooth-a** honky. What's your secret, brother?

Jo: (Still British) Wouldn't be a secret if I said, mate. This turkey of a club is in some serious need of Jive-a-lation. Yeah baby, Yeah!

(Does a side flip onto a lower landing and continues his stride. The Channel 6 News Team comes up behind him, prompting other attendees to follow. When Jo reaches the dance floor everyone forms a circle as he stands in the center)

Jo: (British) Let's get this house a shaggin': The Jo Way.

(Snaps a whipcrack look at the juke box, causing it to insert a new disc. "Long Train Running" by the Doobie Brothers starts playing, and after getting his foot tapping to the rhythm, Jo does the funky thang in tune to the beat. He strikes poses, waves his arms, thrusts and undulates his hips, and does other delicious moves that make men shudder and women tremble. As the dancing goes on women start joining in, dancing in synch to Jo's moves. More ladies flock to him as the song progresses and the temperature rises, until)

?: What is going on here?

(The music stops and everyone looks. Marching to them is a lone man in ghetto pimp wear with a train of 10 black-clad ladies behind him. They stop before the circle, which has parted to show Jo and his posse. The man stands before them in grand purple clothes and with a cane before him. His face is overshadowed by a huge feathered felt hat)

Jo: (British) Who's this fine chap?

Some Guy: The club owner…

Owner: So what is this? Taking all these beauties with your fancy moves? Ridiculous! In this club, only the purest intentions of love are allowed. Not this strutting and presenting. You, sir, are most slanderous and depraved to have swoon these damsels with your sexually-charged air. Most undignified!

Jo: (Brit) I mean no rudeness to you sir, and I do respect the ladies, but I am doing all this for a reason. I need every swingin' lass in this club to adore me if I wish to survive.

Owner: Every lass, huh? Well I just happen to have the last ten. (Arm wave shows) I have gained the devotion of all these ladies through years of understanding, communication and passion. It will take a lot more than your "sexy" moves to bring them to your side.

(Silence. Jo glances at the clock to see 3 minutes left)

Jo: I'm in a rush, so I'll just end this with my best move of all. Brace yourselves, everyone: it's about to get Ultra Randy.

(Star Wars disco mix starts playing as Jo initiates... Booty Crank Mode! A funky groovy light show comes off him, making his group go crazy with funk. After a while the owner's ladies become mesmerized and walk over to Jo one by one)

Owner: Hey, wait, where are you going? I thought we had something!

(An Asian woman round-house kicks him, knocking a silhouette man flying out of the pimp clothes. The silhouette goes zooming across the club and busts through the entrance doors)

Silhouette: I've been Jilteeeeeeeeeeed!

(Doors slam shut. Back on the floor, everyone is dancing to Jo, working the dance floor and his entourage like a smooth operator. When the song reaches its finale, the whole group strikes a pose as the clock strikes midnight. There is a great ringing before everything goes dark)

* * *

(He's hazy, as if hungover. He slowly gets up, somewhat achy. He's back in his Jedi robes which are slightly damp)

Jo: Uh maaaaaan… Where all the white women at?

(He finally notices his surroundings. He is in a derelict underground room. The stone walls have holes and peeling paint, and a single fluorescent light hangs overhead, blinking. A few meters in front of him, the opposite wall is bathed entirely in shadow for some reason. The steady drip of water echoes from somewhere)

Jo: Where the—?

 _So there_ is _substance behind the sexy._

Jo: What, you again? What is your deal? I've done your stupid trial; send me back to the others!

 _While you have proven your ability to entice, you have also further affirmed your true weakness: Yourself. You are so self-absorbed that on numerous occasions you have endangered others whilst being distracted with your own narcissism. Your value of your image is what has kept you going all these years. However, if you wish to live beyond this point, you will need to sacrifice that which you hold most dear._

Jo: What I hold most dear? Just what exactly would that be… (Realization strikes him, his eyes widens as he reaches up to touch his hair) No. No, you can't mean…?

(From the shadows before him, a handgun floats into sight)

 _This gun is set to fire at your most prized possession: that which you have slaved over with your very soul. To survive this trial, all you have to is remain still. If you do so when the gun goes off, then I will send you back to your friends. But if you should move in any way, or try to affect the course of the bullet with your powers, you will remain trapped in here, subjected to my harmonious laughter, as will any of your comrades who pass their respective trials._

 _It is a simple matter of self-improvement. A chance to "kill your darling" so you may grow as a person, to break away from your obsession and focus on those who are most important. Then again, you may find that life without your personal trophy isn't worth living. So I ask you: which is more important? The success and safety of your friends, or the centerpiece of your cherished looks?_

Jo: What the h**l, man? Why do you have such a beef with how I present myself? Why's it such a big deal to you?!

 _There is no point questioning the rules; you either follow them, or die._ (Gun cock noise) _You have ten seconds to make your decision._

(A digital red timer pops up above the pistol, counting down. Time slows to milliseconds as Jo deliberates at the speed of light)

Jo: (Thoughts) Oh f**k he wasn't kidding! Okay let me think. Think think think think think… Why should I be thinking this? The answer's easy: just jump out of the way and bust my way out. Wait no how would that work? I don't know how I got here, and there's no door. For all I know I'm floating in deep space or something. Why am I even considering jumping out of the way? Just deflect the bullet and make it seem like it hit but did nothing. Yeah yeah, that could totally work! Hold on, why are you thinking like that, Jo? You're seriously wanting to jeopardize everyone's lives for yourself? For your hair? My god, am I seriously that vain? Oh god, what have I become? Is this, is this really the kind of life I've been living for myself? That makes me more of a total a**hole. Am I nothing more than dashing good looks? I really need to reach deep down in myself and decide exactly how much of a person there is within— (Timer hits zero) Oh f*** no time for that! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah SCREW IT!

(The gun fires, the bullet coming straight at him. Jo shuts his eyes and grimaces, remaining in place as the bullet blows through his hair, leaving a sizable hole in the space over his head. After a few seconds, his hair explodes into a million wispy follicles, leaving him bald. He opens his eyes, falls to his knees and goes hysterical)

Jo: (Hysterical pouting breath) MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR! (He grabs hopelessly at the flurry of strands falling around him)

Jo: (Whiny mumble) This can't be real... No Way! WHY!?WHHHHYYYYYYYYY!?

(Brings hands to face and cries deeply. There's a squeaking noise, and from the darkness comes the Jigsaw doll. It is riding a pimped-out tricycle with jewel-encrusted rims and slick colors. He stops short before Jo, who looks up at him)

Jigsaw: Congratulations: You have killed your obsession. This a very momentous step.

Jo: Just go F*** OFF you Geppetto Knob-Sucking Freak! LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT ME!

Jigsaw: You should be rejoicing, Joseph. You have just proven that you can surpass your vanity for the good of others, as well as yourself. That spells hope for the restoration of your integrity. In my opinion, all stories should have characters like that, who triumph over their base obsessions and become wholesome, upstanding heroes.

Jo: I don't give a d**n about that model citizen virtuous S**T! You can just go ram all that fluff talk up your A** and F**K A GOAT YOU ****!

Jigsaw: You may be upset now, but in time you'll come to accept this loss as a necessity. Besides, you were much better off without that carpet smothering your brain. (A green portal appears on the wall) This concludes your trial: You have passed. Now step through, and enter a world of renewed potential. Hopefully your friends will be there waiting for you. If not, you'll just have to be my little cue ball for all eternity.

Jo: B***ard…

(Jo slowly gets up, then sulks away into the portal. It disappears and we turn to darkness)

 _My ladies of the night *whimper*…_

 **End Trial**


	5. Cope's Trial

**The Trial**

 **of**

 **Alexander Copeland**

 _Hello Alex. Or should I say, Copeland? That has been your name since the very beginning, when there were but three Jedi. One of those Jedi you particularly despised, yet here you are searching for him. Or at least, your friends are. You begrudgingly came along because that was expected of you: A seasoned Jedi Master who thinks himself more mature than all his peers. Yet time and again you have been mocked, made a fool of, and this has caused you great frustration and, most importantly, anger. Anger that has been steadily built up and utilized over the years to carry out your duties with raw and severe efficiency._

 _But this is something we can address later. For now, let us consider your untapped potential. The talent which you so often have fantasized of having since your earliest memory..._

(He's in a cockpit. The instruments are lit up, and an endless sky with clouds roll past him; he's going fast. He's wearing the typical outfit of a jet pilot, including the helmet. He's somewhat dazed)

Cope: (Thoughts) Where the heck? (Someone talks in his headphones)

Voice: Hey Captain, Galian Beast reporting in. Do you read me?

Cope: (Outloud) Who the heck?! What's going on?

(A more grainy voice comes in through his headphones)

Jigsaw: Surprised? You really shouldn't: This is your heartfelt desire after all.

Cope: What?

Jigsaw: Before tragic circumstances decided otherwise, you had aspirations of being a fighter pilot of the Republic. You studied hard, practiced in simulations in your early youth. And whenever the situation arose, you displayed your piloting skills in the heat of interstellar pursuit, often to the surprise of your friends and compatriots.

Cope: But this isn't a starfighter at all. This is—

Jigsaw: That's right: an authentic F-16 fighter jet. And these shattered skies you're roaring through are none other than the realm of Ace Combat.

Cope: (Gleeful) What, seriously? I'm in Ace Combat? Oh Mai Gawd!

Jigsaw: Try not to get too excited, Hot Shot. The trial I have set before you is simple: Complete every objective that appears on your HUD, atypical of any arcade-style flight simulator. But do not expect this to be any ordinary sortie. A few surprises lie in wait. How you manage them depends on skill you claim to have. Will you fly with the eagles, or crash and burn? Good luck, and let the games begin. (Goes away)

Cope: Holy crap holy crap holy crap, Ace Combat! God I hope this is Ace Combat 5, that would just be sweeeeet! But he said "shattered skies". Dunno if he was just making a lazy reference or—

GB: Hey, Captain? You're falling out of formation there; is something wrong?

Cope: Huh? Oh right, objectives. Easy as peasy. Let's see that HUD.

(Looking around the cockpit, he finds the HUD screen flash along the glass of the canopy, with the following words displayed)

 **Objective: Hold Formation With Squadron**

Cope: Really? Pff, tutorial stuff. (Into mic) I'm fine, Galian Beast. Just doing an equipment check; I'm coming up.

GB: Roger. Heh, guess I shouldn't worry about our ace of a Captain.

Cope: (To self) Heheh, an ace: Just like an AC protagonist. Alright, let's do this.

(Taking a firmly expert hold of the control stick, Cope raises his elevation slightly and goes forward, straight down the center of a formation of four other F-16s. He parks himself at front center)

GB: There we go: Nice and tight.

Other Plane: Sickle Storm here: Weather is looking smooth and all equipment is good on my end, Captain.

Other Other Plane: Same goes for me, Death Blossom, the squadron's comic relief. Good old Death Blossom, who will never meet an unfortunate end for sure!

Cope: (In thoughts) Weird names but okay. (Out loud) Great day for flying, gentlemen. So what have you got for me? What are we terrors of the sky going to do?

GB: Uh, we're just doing a patrol. Routine stuff, y'know?

DB: Just the Captain's usual enthusiasm burning through.

Cope: (Thoughts) Oh this semi-awkward dialogue. My heart's a-flutter…

(There's a digital ringing sound)

SS: Heads up: Incoming transmission from base.

Base Radio: Yo, Ocular Strats here. Got a mission briefing hot from HQ. There's some unusual ground activity about two klicks from your position. You need to check it out on the downlow, yo.

(The HUD changes its wording)

 **Objective: Investigate Ground Activity**

GB: Affirmative. Lead the way, Captain?

Cope: Oh you bet. Maintain formation and keep up. (Thoughts) What the heck was with ground control?

DB: Looks like your wish for action's been granted, Captain. Maybe gab about extended leave next time.

SS: Quit the chatter, Debby. Save it for when we land.

DB: Oh my god, I told you not to call me that any more, Ron!

Cope: (Thoughts) Ahhhh, the inane, somewhat badly-voiced banter.

(The fighter formation flies in silence for ten seconds, then)

GB: I got eyes on movement down below.

(Sure enough, down on the ground is a convoy of bulky vehicles trailing dust along the dry plains)

SS: Those are military transports! But there are no military outposts this far out.

DB: Methinks unknown enemy presence is afoot in our dear country.

Cope: And there we have the inciting incident.

GB: What's that, Captain?

Cope: Uh, nothing. Hold formation.

SS: Did you get that, ground control? A dozen unidentified military vehicles are moving eastward.

OS: Yo yo yo yo, that's a total no go, bro! That's demilitarized territory, so HQ will authorize any demilitarizing you fellas feel is necessary.

Cope: Um, do you mean…?

 **Objective: Destroy Military Convoy**

Cope: Oh, gotcha.

SS: That's the go-ahead, boys. Let's light em up.

(The jets dive in for a strafing run)

Cope: Right, pop those vulcans and…

(Machine gun fire spurts out from the underside of the jets, spraying the ground in hot lead and tearing through light armor like so much Nilla wafers. They pull up and ascend, leaving nothing but burning wreckage below)

GB: Confirmed hits: No remaining vehicles.

SS: Gotta love the way they line up all neat like that. (Ringing again) Ground control, the convoy has been eliminated.

OS: Yo I heard dat! And got some real heavy news-news on the up-fly: Those vehicles were identified as Yuktobanian in origin. Also have some serious intel that there's even more of these suckas in the area.

Cope: Hold on, already? And did you say Yuktobania?

DB: Yuktobania, I knew it! (Slams console) Those b***ards stole my art college sweetheart. I will never forgive them, even after my certainly-not-happening-soon death!

GB: What could they be planning, being here and breaching the terms of the treaty?

OS: That's for you to find out, fly boy: Go in the direction those trucks were goin' and suss any extras out. And you're totally authorized to wipe out any you see. Gotta rack up those extra points somehow.

Cope: Points? Oh right, game.

SS: Let's head out and find what we can find.

DB: Heck yeah! Lead the way, Captain!

Cope: Uh, sure! (Thoughts) This is going by rather fast. But at least it should get interesting.

 **Objective: Seek Out and Destroy Enemy Forces**

(The squadron keeps going forward as semi-ominous music drones on and the cloud cover thickens, casting things in a grayer hue. The ringing of the console breaks the silence)

SS: Ground radar is picking up something. Must be enemy ground forces.

DB: About time!

GB: How many?

SS: I have to say considerable.

Cope: What would be the general ballpark range for "considerable"?

SS: Just look down there and tell me.

(Down below there's a wide field of small military installations, including barracks, hangars, tanks, trucks, and a whole lot of antiair modules)

Cope: That is indeed considerable.

(The enemy AA batteries begin firing at the jets, which break off to evade, although Cope remains in place)

GB: Take them down!

(The fighter jets go off after their own targets, while Cope just locks on with his missiles and casually blows AA guns at a comfortable altitude)

Cope: Cakewalk.

SS: I got bogies popping up on my radar. Enemy fighters approaching!

(Indeed there are five black-painted enemy jet fighters zooming into the combat zone)

GB: Captain, can you handle them?

Cope: Affirmative. Let's go!

(Cope punches his jet into hard thrust, closing the distance between him and the oncoming combatants. He gets a lock on and fires a missile, sending out some bullets for good measure to blow up the lead fighter)

GB: Good kill, good kill.

SS: You got a missile locked on you!

Cope: I know!

(His cockpit is blaring the lock-on alert, but he remains cool and dives and yaws sharply while in pursuit of the other fighters, which he blasts down with ease)

Cope: Now this is closer to my level!

GB: All enemy fighters eliminated. Great work, Captain.

SS: Ground forces have mostly been wiped out. I'm seeing infantry making a run for it.

DB: No points with those, so I won't bother.

(Ringing from ground control again)

OS: Yo listen up my aerial homies! Things have just gone wiggidy-whack serious all of a sudden. The president has declared all-out war against Yuktobania.

DB: H*** yeah!

OS: That's not all, DeeBee: We got intel saying there's a super secret and massive enemy doom base further out east, loaded with all kinds of nasty weapons of mass destruction.

SS: Probably to serve as a beachhead for an invasion. Those sneaky devils.

OS: Anywho, the whole Osean military is being mobilized and is headed your way. Y'all are gonna be the spearhead for the counterattack, so keep pushin' forward and clear the way to that dagnasty base.

DB: Oh god, my heart's pumping! My whole body's shaking from this adrenaline rush!

OS: Best of luck, yo. Base out.

 **Objective: Seek Out Enemy Base**

Cope: Sheesh, things are escalating like crazy. But if it means things can be wrapped up quicker, then I'm for it.

GB: Let's head out, boys.

(The jets do so. Not even a minute later)

GB: Heads up: We got friendlies pulling up from behind.

(We see several dozen aircraft of all kinds appear onto the scene, catching up to and keeping pace with our heroic squadron as generic inspirational orchestra plays)

DB: The cavalry has arrived!

SS: There's so many of them. This really _is_ the big one.

Cope: Wow, I'm starting to get excited.

(Ringing)

OS: Oh hey, since this is a huge monumental historical event to change the course of human history as well as that of the planet itself, we've got ourselves a special guest to oversee command down here. Here ya go, Pops.

Pops: Hey boys, long time no talk. How you holding up up there?

Cope: Holy crap, is that Steve Blum?!

Steve B: The one and the same, kid. For a moment this intense you're going to need someone with proper voice acting chops to see you through. Now stick to your objectives and when you pull this off, I'm buying you a beer.

DB: Better be ice cold, Poppa Steve!

Cope: Okay, now I'm hyped.

GB: First line of enemy defense is coming up. Get ready!

(Antiair batteries stretching for miles come into sight along the ground. They open fire and the airforce make their through the flak and smoke, some going down in flames or pieces)

GB: We got mobile AA platforms making things tricky.

(Tiny bipedal mechs with cannons are interspersed with the AA guns, looking up and popping off large slow-moving bullets before walking away)

Cope: The h***? Aren't those from Gradius?

SS: Use your Bombs to take them out effectively.

Cope: I have Bombs? (Checks HUD and sees weapons radial) Oh, seems I do. Weird.

(He selects Bombs, dropping them down on the rows of AA batteries and retreating mechas while moving around incoming ground fire. The ground suddenly starts rumbling)

GB: Oh no! Hidden weapon arrays are surfacing!

(From the ground silo doors open, and arising are rows of giant orange Moai statues)

Cope: Oh come on now that's just frickin' blatant! I mean, What?!

(The statues open their mouths and shoot out glowing orange rings of death that slowly track the friendly aircraft)

SS: They are seriously badmouthing us now!

DB: They disrespecting me? Take them out!

(Bombs and missiles from Cope keep the jaws separated from the statues, although they manage to take down some planes before they go silent)

OS: Yo Captain! Enemy fighters are coming in and looking to fire up our bomber squadron. Help them out, yo!

 **Objective: Protect Bombers**

(Cope breaks off and goes toward formation of bulky bombers, which are about to be assailed by several red-tipped enemy planes)

Bomber: Oh god, I see my life flashing before my eyes! AAAAAHHHHHGGG!

Cope: They haven't even come in range yet, pipe down.

(Cope goes in to intercept and take out the fighters in some quick, impressive dogfighting. But then)

OS: Enemy bombers are approaching looking to take out our fuel trucks. Take them out first!

 **Objective: Deal with Enemy Bombers**

Cope: On it.

(He goes after an oncoming formation of bulky red-tipped enemy bombers, and blows them out of the sky. But suddenly a whole swarm of enemy fighters appear)

SS: Look at that! They're starting to mean business now!

DB: So many fighters! My boots are quaking! My very bowels are shaking!

Steve B: Hold it together kid!

Cope: Seriously.

 **Objective: Handle Enemy Wave**

(Cope does so with some difficulty, as the sky is crowded with planes of different colors and Cope's jet is repeatedly being targeted by missiles that he has to dodge)

GB: Captain, you got a missile lock on you!

Cope: I'm aware, thanks.

DB: Captain! Watch those missiles!

Cope: I said that I'm already aware.

SS: Missiles on your six!

Cope: Are your comms not working or something?

Slippy: Ahh! Get this guy off me!

Cope: What the? Was that Slippy Toad?

(Indeed, we see an Arwing being harried by an enemy jet)

Steve B: Kid, go save your wingman, otherwise things are gonna look nasty.

 **Objective: Help Slippy**

Cope: Jesus since when did this become Star Fox?

(Cope gets behind the enemy fighter and guns it down, allowing the Arwing to skedaddle)

Slippy: Phew! I thought I was a goner.

Cope: Yeah yeah, maybe actually be helpful by not crash landing on a desert planet.

(Missile lock alert comes up)

SS: Missile inbound!

Cope: Yes, I heard it!

GB: Inbound missile!

Cope: What did I just say?!

Peppy Hare: Do a barrel roll!

Cope: What? No! It's utterly uncalled for in this—

 **Objective: Do A Barrel Roll**

Cope: (Exasperated groan)

(Cope does a barrel roll, but the missile alerts just keep coming)

Steve B: You got a missile on your six, kid!

Cope: How can you tell?

DB: Watch that missile, Captain!

SS: Missile! Take evasive maneuvers!

OS: Bob and weave from that missile, yo!

Cope: Will you people pipe down and—

Steve B: Kid what is your deal? Lose that missile!

SS: Missile coming right at you!

OS: Dawg, dodge that missile!

Cope: Are any of you liste—

GB: Missile! Missile! It's a missile!

SS: Missile coming right up on you!

DB: Get out of there!

Campbell: Captain, can you read me? Captain? CAPTAAAAIN!

EDF: Godzilla is approaching the generator! The generator is losing power!

Soviet: Come on comrades, he's a man not a ghost!

Donald Duck: This might be a good spot to find some ingredients.

Cope: SHUT UUUUP! Shut up shut up shut up Shut _**UUUUPPPPPPP!**_

GB: We got an incoming bogey. It's identified as a Flying Girl, M.K. Class!

Cope: Hold up, a flying what?

(We see fast approaching the friendly air forces a singular young woman in black and white witch garb, riding atop a broomstick)

SS: They actually have weaponized goth lolitas, the maniacs!

(The witch hovers before the fleet)

Marisa: Hey, you all look raring to fight. I think I can play around for a bit, ze.

 **Objective: Fend Off Marisa Kirisame**

Cope: What do you mean "fend off"? What game is she from exactly?

(The witch glows with arcane magicks)

Marisa: Master SPAAAAAARK!

Cope: Yipe!

(Cope and his fellow fighters fly up to avoid the rainbow-colored death laser that blows through a good line of slower planes, but dissipates after four seconds)

Marisa: I'm bored now kay later bye!

(She putters off. A crackle on the radio)

DB: D***, that witch clipped my wing. I'm beginning to lose thrust. I can't stay in the air for much longer.

SS: Deb, you have to make an emergency landing!

DB: No, there's no safe place to do it. I'll need to crash into that abandoned sports stadium over there.

Steve B: There's miles of empty plains out there, kid. Of course there's places to land!

DB: No time, pappy B. It has to be that stadium. Just gotta angle it right.

SS: I see a newly-built landing strip over to my right. Just angle toward that.

DB: To think I, Death Blossom, everyone's favorite jokester, should meet such a sudden and surprising end. Please, enjoy those beers for me. And tell my ma I forgive her for deleting my Minecraft account.

Steve B: Holy h*** kid you've got to be the stupidest thing in the air right now.

DB: Heh, I'm gonna miss that voice…

(DB's jet goes plummeting and crashes dead center within a sports stadium. As the smoke rises, a flag is raised as stage clear music from Super Mario Bros plays. Up in the sky, somber music plays)

GB: Death Blossom! No! (Sob)

SS: I, I can't believe it. I never gave him back that ten bucks. Oh Debby! (Manly crying)

Cope: …I can't believe I'm saying this about Ace Combat, but this is really really stupid.

Peppy Hare: Enemy fire from the rear. Drop altitude!

(Klaxons go wild in the cockpit, with skulls flashing over all the displays)

OS: Get low get low!

Cope: Oh Crap!

(The jets plummet, and barely get low enough before the sky above them fills with a massive ball of white explosive energy)

Cope: Wait that's, that's an attack from Stonehenge. They got Stonehenge here?

GB: Hold on. I'm getting a secret encoded transmission. It's—

Chorus: _Colo-nel Hamilton! (Hamilton!)_

 _He's waiting in the wings for you! (Just for you!)_

Hamilton: Indeed it is I, Colonel Takahata Alucard Zetta Hamilton! I have betrayed Osea and taken over Stonehenge, and with it I shall destroy you lowly armor-clad vultures. The peace we founded is unsatisfactory, nearsighted. I shall be the one to end all wars by starting up new wars, until war eradicates itself. That's just plain math!

Cope: Uhhhhhhhhh…

Hamilton: I also have remote control of the Scinfaxi, so no one can escape! Say your prayers fly dogs, Muahahahahahahaha!

OS: You gotta get up over five thousand feet, homeslice!

Cope: Cripes!

(The jets go up, this time avoiding a cataclysmic blast along the ground)

OS: Get your a***s down! (They do so) Now up again! (Up they go) Downtown! (That) Up high! (And there) _To the Win-dooooow!_ (They get sideways) _To The Wall!_ (The jets hug the fourth wall)

Cope: (Bouncing around) This-is-ab-so-lute-ly-ridiculous!

(There's a crash over the radio)

Hamilton: Blum?! How did _you_ get in here?

Steve B: We're in the same recording studio, dumba**! Now quit being megalomaniacal and surrender!

Hamilton: You'll have to make me, Tubby!

Steve B: You asked for this!

(There's a fist fight over the radio)

Hamilton: No, you can't do this! You need my epic voice talent to balance out the mediocrity!

(Sound of trash cans being thrown about)

Steve B: Alright gang, I just threw Hamilton out to the curb. Stonehenge and all other antiair weapons are out of commission. Unfortunately, it seems our entire air force has been obliterated in the meantime, meaning you're gonna have to take out the massive enemy doom base alone.

(Cope looks around and sees that, apart from his surviving squadron, the skies are completely empty)

Cope: Ugh, typical!

Steve B: I trust you three are more than capable of seeing this through. For world peace and yadda yadda yadda. Best of luck.

Cope: I swear that thing better be close by—

GB: I see the massive enemy doom base.

Cope: Thank you!

(Everything goes serious and a Latin choir kicks up as the base is revealed to be a large missile targeting complex)

GB: I don't believe it. The base… it's actually a super weapon. Megalith!

SS: The Legendary Final Stronghold. To think those maniacs would rebuild such a terror.

 **Objective: Take Down Megalith**

OS: Okay, get in on the 4-1-1 I'm gonna dish out. That place is too heavily fortified on the surface, so you need to blow it from the inside. I got the codes to get the hanger doors open, but it'll be a tight fit. Once you're inside you'll—

Cope: Yeah, I'm just gonna wrap things up before things get more contrived. Get those doors open.

OS: Wait, don't you—?

(Cope drops down and heads for the hanger door of the structure, which begins opening up and is barely wide enough to let Cope through)

OS: O-Okay. Now, what you need to do is—

(Cope gets to the end of the tunnel, and fires a missile at the rocket waiting at the other end. As it detonates, he shoots up out of the launch silo doors before the entire base goes kablooey)

GB: Wow, so quick and effortless. You're a real legend, Captain!

Cope: Yes yes mission accomplished. Can I go now, Jigsaw? You succeeded at sucking all the fun out. (Alerts go off) Really?

OS: Oh snap! The Yuktobanians are dropping a satellite on us. And not just any satellite: It's the SOLG, yo!

(Looking up, we do see the long cylindrical space platform dropping through the atmosphere)

SS: The payload on that thing could wipe out half a continent if it should impact! Captain, we've got to destroy it!

 **Objective: Destroy the SOLG**

Cope: Oh for the love of contrived final missions, I'm honestly too tired to care! But luckily I have just the thing to take care of this nuisance.

(Cope flies up at the satellite, priming his plane with something)

Cope: Good thing they gave this plane a full loadout to deal with your limp non-menacing self. I'm not even bothering with the expected method. That's right you asked for this: Here comes my SUPER LASER BEAM!

(His jet fires off a high-powered laser that shears off the SOLG's solar panels and all its extremities, leaving it as one sorry-looking scorched tube)

Cope: There! Now can you call it a day and we can—

(The remains of the SOLG explode, and from its innards arises a large greenish metal bee, whose very presence makes the air heavy)

SS: Is that…? No, no it can't be. They've gone too far!

GB: Oh god. It's the end… The end of days have come!

OS: Holy s*** c*** c***, it's the Destroyer of Worlds itself: _**Hibachi!**_

(The green flaming bee hovers in place, then transforms into a mecha, causing the very sky to go red as demonically wild techno starts wailing)

 **Objective: End The Cycle and Achieve The Peaceful Death**

 **Destroy Hibachi By Any Means**

OS: Get out of there! All of you GET OUT OF THERE!

(In his cockpit, Cope's eye is twitching as his neck keeps bending to the side in aggravation as the scream of a hot tea kettle goes off. It's not the sky that's gotten red, either)

Cope: No. I am **Done**. I'm done putting up with this ridiculousness, _period_!

(He flips on the secret hyper boosters, and takes off like a bullet straight up at the doomsday mech)

SS: Captain, what are you doing?!

Cope: You go make a mockery of one of my favorite games with bullet hell BS, and you insult my skills with your asinine objectives! You think I'm putting up with this treatment when there's a Jawa back home giving me enough of a headache? No! I'M HAVING NONE OF _YOUR_ S***!

(The jet goes even faster as the mecha charges an attack)

GB: Get back, Captain! _Captain!_

Cope: I'll Show You Any Means! You Want A Dead Cycle? WELL READY YOUR A** CUZ YOU'RE GETTING ONE YOU BEAST WARS RIP-OFF _**SON OF A B****!**_

Steve B: See you, Space Cowboy.

(Cope's jet blows off portions of itself so it's become a missile in the shape of a screaming middle finger aimed right at Hibachi. The screaming provided by Cope, of course)

Cope: _**DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**_

(The missile collides and an explosion of great frustrated wrath goes off, consuming everything in blinding white flame)

* * *

 _Self-sacrifice._

 _It is an act those with great integrity may have to perform should the need should arise. A hero of Osea would have done it, and you chose it without question in the face of impossible odds. Congratulations._

(Cope stands on rock ground. The air is cool)

 _However, self-control is another key necessity, and it would appear you lose it in the heat of your own temper. Now we shall address it, and see if you can truly control your emotions, or be engulfed by them._

(Moonlight fills the area. Cope's in the middle of some great fortress's courtyard surrounded by three four misshapened towers topped with spotlights. Cope looks around and is surprised to find himself wearing green clothes, a green hat, an ornate shield and a nifty sword)

Cope: Wait, I'm Link?

 _Correct: One of your most favorite Nintendo characters. And this is the Forsaken Fortress, which will be the site of your final challenge._

(Cope flops his arms out)

Cope: Just had to plop me down in Wind Waker, huh?

(A ball of light appears in the air)

 _This ball shall represent your anger._

(A ghost knight appears near the ball)

 _And this is Phantom Ganon: Your opponent. As you undoubtedly expect, you shall be partaking in a death volley with this ball of light. But there is a key difference: Every time_ _you_ _strike the ball, it will become bigger, for it feeds off your innate animosity. As you can imagine, the larger it gets, the harder it will be to knock away. And you will be losing far more than a few heart points should you take the hit._

 _You consider yourself among the strongest and most adept of the original Jedi Masters, but are you strong enough your own anger when it threatens to consume you? Can your mastery save you from the immolation of aggravation? Repulse the flame, or burn to cinder._

 _Let the game begin._

(Phantom Ganon strikes the ball with his sword, sending it to Cope. He hits it back, making it grow a centimeter, then PG hits it back, and so on. The ball grows steadily as the two combatants circle one another hitting it. Soon the strikes become fiercer as their grunts get louder. The world around begins to shake with their blows, until suddenly it shatters away revealing a realm of darkness, where moments of Cope's past anger flash every time he hits the ball. The flashes become larger and louder over time, and then Cope's Link outfit blows away to reveal his Jedi garb and saber. PG has cast off his armor to reveal a short silhouette man with a massive sheet of metal for a sword. The silhouette screams with each blow he makes, the pace of the volley getting faster and the ball growing to mountain size. At which point, the ball is smashed hard into Cope's saber and to his shock and irritation he's locked in place holding it back. He strains to push it back as his footing slides from the sheer force radiating from his collective anger. As he bends from the pressure, he closes his eyes and focuses on his meditation, finding his center. With a calm exhale of breath, he opens his eyes and the ball flies back as though shot from a cannon. It moves too fast for the silhouette to react, resulting in an explosive impact that sends him and his weapon spiraling away into the distant void)

Silhouette: Pig F**k God D**N MOTHER-F**KING W***E **? ∞ ! ¡ S** *T B***HES A** LICKING BIGFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

(Goes off in a twinkle. Cope regains his stance and sheaths his saber)

 _Well done. You have fought back your anger and survived. However, it is not a complete victory._

Cope: And how's that?

 _You still succumbed to your anger earlier, behaved rashly. In most other circumstances, particularly those of life and death, it would have proved costly. And you were barely able to ward off your anger when it was at its zenith._

Cope: Well any other rational person would've been pissed off with all the crap you were throwing around. And I'll have you know I've been holding that anger of mine in check for many, _many_ years, so I know precisely how to control it. I suppose Squishy was helpful in exposing me to the many forms of anger. And Anna was incredibly helpful in showing me how to manage it… eventually.

 _Even so, it is a volatile resource. Many Jedi have turned Sith and worse for far less than what you have brewing within you on a semi-regular basis. But, as you have a former Sith for a spouse, you may be able to mitigate it. For how long, though, that remains uncertain. In the end, it ultimately comes down to you._

Cope: Yadda yadda yadda. Now let me outta here or I can show you exactly how creatively I can put my anger to use on your cackling behind.

 _Very well. You've earned your freedom and passed the trial. Go on and see if the others were just as fortunate._

Cope: They better be. The sooner I can get back home and boot up proper Ace Combat 5, the better.

(A portal opens, Cope walks through it, and silence)

 **End Trial**


	6. Will's Trial

**The Trial**

 **of**

 **William Handerson**

(It's hot, sunny, and dry as Hell. He pushes aside the shutter doors and steps into the empty saloon. The place is quite dim, save for the light pouring in through the windows and wood holes, lighting up the dust that filled the air. He feels right spiffy in his duds: A neato hat, spurred boots, leather vest, worn jeans, a decorative undershirt and a grizzled face of hair. But he also feels something else: Confused)

Will: Hey! Anybody here? Hellooooo? (Walks in a bit more) I reckon that this here place is plain empty. But what is this place anyway? And where did I get these duds? And this rustic dialect?

(A nearby player piano turns on)

Jigsaw: Hello William. I hope you're enjoying your new look.

(Will notices the mirror behind the bar and checks himself over)

Will: Huh… I do look mighty sharp.

Jigsaw: It's befitting, for both the location and your inner preferences. Before you awoke as a Force-wielder you served as a soldier in the Republic army, showing commendable prowess in combat tactics. But what that really meant was that you have a great affinity for guns. A passion that you've rarely been able to dabble in in these days of swinging around a lightsaber, yet in peacetime you manage to go out to the range to hone your marksmanship. Today we will see if such an underutilized skill will prove sufficient in ensuring your survival.

As you can see, you are in a saloon nestled deep in the Wild West. Such establishments were typically the best places to get drunk, find women, and see the occasional shoot-out. You shall perform the latter by taking part in various shooting gallery activities; nothing out of the ordinary for someone like you. Simply go up to a starting point and I shall give you your objective. Complete the task in the allotted time and you can move on. Fail a task and I will have your eyes gouged out, and you will die. A very fair trade-off if I say so myself.

Be quick on the draw, or get six feet under: Make your choice. Let the game begin. (Stops)

Will: Shooting galleries, eh? Sounds like a swell ol' time... 'cept for the eye gougin' part.

(Steps up to the bar. He sees a note there, and upon touching it an instruction window appears over the bar)

Jigsaw: Challenge 1- For this trial, you'll only have your trusty six-shooter: A Smith & Wesson Peacemaker. The task is simple: Shoot all the bottles that light up. Miss one and game over. You have 1 minute.

(Will twirls his pistol out of its holster and goes to work. Ragtime music plays as he shoots the colored bottles that appear. When time ends all bottles have been hit)

Jigsaw: Passed. Challenge 2- Mugs will come sliding across the bar. Only hit the empty ones. You have 55 seconds.

(The mugs come sliding in and Will makes his shots. All of them hit, even when he shoots from the back. No filled glasses are broken)

Jigsaw: Passed. Challenge 3- Shoot both empty mugs and colored bottles. Hit a red one of either, and you fail. You have 1 minute 10 seconds.

(The objects come in a flurry but Will hits them all with good speed and accuracy. He even juggles and flourishes his gun about to show off. After the time limit)

Jigsaw: Passed. Do an about face to continue.

(Will does so)

Jigsaw: Challenge 4- Seedy patrons are hassling the prostitutes. Take them out, but spare the merchandise. You have 1 minute 20 seconds.

(Cardboard cutouts of call girls and cowboys pop up around the saloon and move about the floor and rafters. Will shoots the pursuers and fires a ricochet to hit one that's holding a girl up)

Jigsaw: Passed. Step outside to continue.

(Will goes through the shutter doors. He finds himself in the middle of the sun-drenched dirt street with houses on either side of him)

Jigsaw: For these challenges you'll have two pistols.

(Will gets a second pistol)

Will: Sweet!

Jigsaw: Challenge 5- Barrels are barreling your way. Destroy 20 of them in 40 seconds.

(The barrels appear. It takes several shots from each pistol to destroy each, but Will does it so fast it hardly matters. Soon it's over)

Jigsaw: Passed. Challenge 6- The local outlaws consider you a threat, and wish to take you out. Move to the other end of the street in 2 minutes, hitting every bandit on the way. Tread carefully, as they all will be firing live rounds. What showdown music do you prefer playing?

Will: Hmm… Sumthin' lively, but appropriately Western-ish.

(Wind blows as he brings up his pistols as outlaws begin edging into sight. Then to the tune of "Windy Day" from Metal Slug 5 Will starts moving and gets his bang bang on. He takes out the killers in the streets, the killers in the trees, on the roofs, from the windows, behind carts and even behind himself. With every kill a bandit does an overly dramatic death cry whilst falling, including a row of Wilhelms who scream out in chorus to the accompanying horns. Will soon comes to a blockade loaded with tons of bandits. He spots a TNT barrel, then breaks into a run, dodging incoming fire. He kicks off the ground, and twisting through the air over the barricade he aims down and fires at the TNT, causing the whole thing to go kablooey. He lands away from the smoking wreck, standing tall to cooly blow the smoking ends of his guns)

Jigsaw: Passed. Step into the cellar to your left to continue.

(Will goes to his left, kicks open some cellar doors and descends a long flight of darkening steps)

Jigsaw: For this challenge you'll be equipped with the ol' Winchester rifle.

(When he reaches the lit corridor at the bottom he holds said rifle)

Will: Ah h**l yeah, pardner!

Jigsaw: Challenge 7- You are in the bandit's den. Walk these cramped halls and blow away all those that resist. You have 1 minute 30 seconds to reach the end.

Will: With pleasure.

(Pumps it and walks on. Bandits pop out into the curving hall en masse, but they're blown away by Will's piece. Eventually the floor is littered with bodies as Will continues to a door at the end)

Jigsaw: The bandit leader is just ahead. You must take him out, but only with a single-shot Derringer pistol. Make it count, or be blown away.

(Will busts down the door at the end. Inside is a small room with a table and a burly man waving around a revolver)

Leader: (Drunk) So yer the varmint that's been killin' my boys. Well issen up cuz I'll only say this once: Ain't no way some lawman is gonna send me to the hoosegow! Ain't no way ain't no h—

(Will shoots the hanging lamp, which conks the leader and causes him to fire his pistol at his own head, killing him)

Will: Dern drunk.

(Cellar doors open nearby, letting sunlight flood in)

Jigsaw: Passed. Step back outside to continue.

(Will does so. Outside he finds himself behind the town and near a horse)

Jigsaw: Get on the horse.

(Will mounts the horse, and it rears up and gallops into the panoramic plains as "The Wild White Yonder" from West of Loathing plays. As he gallops along, several Indian riders gather around him)

Jigsaw: Challenge 8- Indians are looking to take you down, so defend yourself. Unfortunately, Civil Rights activists prohibit the use of guns in this challenge, so you'll have a tranquilizer pistol for this one.

(Will holds up a small tranq pistol)

Will: Meh, fair nuff, I spose.

Jigsaw: I'm glad for your understanding, although these shots are only effective on certain parts of the body. Good luck figuring them out.

(The arrows start flying and Will dodges as best he can. He fires tranq darts at the heads of the Indians, dropping them instantly. At one point he hits the groin of one leaping Native American. Eventually the Indians have been disbanded and Will's horse stops at the base of a large hill)

Jigsaw: Passed. Proceed to the top of the hill alone for the next challenge.

(Will leaves the horse and mosies on. After a semi-long walk he reaches the peak)

Jigsaw: Look below: From here your marksmanship will be put to the ultimate test.

(About 150 yards below there is a line of train tracks that lead to a rail bridge. Tied to the tracks on land is a struggling lady)

Jigsaw: Final Challenge- You are to save the damsel Sara from the train threatening to splatter her.

Will: Sara!?

Jigsaw: Ah yes, devious stakes to add to the dire ones. From this peak you are to shoot the ropes binding your precious, then blow off the lock to that shed holding the plunger that will detonate the TNT strapped to the bridge. But why blow the bridge when Sara has been freed? That's the other devious thing: Once the train has crossed the bridge, the explosives on it will go off, obliterating everything within a half mile radius, a range which your dear Sara won't have time to escape. To save your girl you'll have to utilize that most coveted of revolvers: The Colt Single Action Army.

Revolver Ocelot: The Greatest Handgun Ever Made.

(Will holds up the brilliant but small revolver)

Will: Oh tarnation...

Jigsaw: Is your aim true enough from this range? Will Sara be wise enough to enter the shed when it is opened and push the plunger? It all depends on how skilled you really are, and on the trust you have in your beloved wife. As for a time limit, there is none: You can see how close the train is for yourself.

(Far off in the distance we see the approaching billow of smoke heading for the bridge)

Jigsaw: You only have six shots. Let the game resume.

(Will starts tensing up)

Will: Is he pullin' my leg? Course not, what am I thinkin'? Ya can't doubt a psycho clown! Okay Will, chill out. Gotta do this for Sara…. And for me. (He brings the gun up to his face, but it shakes) No no no! Got to be steady, consarnit!

(He brings up his left arm and rests his gun wrist on it. He looks straight down the barrel and takes aim. He shoots and it tears off one of Sara's ropes. He shoots again and another rope is off. He shoots twice more and Sara breaks free, wearing a saloon dancer's dress. Will is sweating bullets as he takes careful aim and blows the lock off the shed door. He lays low for a bit)

Will: (Murmurs) Come on Sara. Git it. Save yerself. Do it…

(The train gets closer and closer. Sara looks around hesitantly, not knowing where to go)

Will: Oh come on! It's right over there, woman! Move!

(Sara finally spots the open shed and heads for it)

Will: There ya go.

(She gets inside and pushes the plunger. However, the bridge remains intact)

Will: What the h**l?! Where's the boom? Muh victory?

(Notices the plunger wire snipped near the bridge)

Will: That son of a b***h, he set us up! Wait. Thar may still be a chance. (Rests gun on arm again) Just gotta find those charges… (Spots them near the middle of the bridge) Gotcha. Just one shot; gotta hit it dead center. (He tries to aim but shakes somewhat wildly) Calm yershelf. Stedee…. Steada… (The train reaches the bridge) Keerful… Common… Yuke kin dew eet…

(Things go slo-mo. The train is near the end of the bridge. A heartbeat is heard, and with a quick flash of Zen, Will fires. The charges are hit and the whole bridge goes up in a fireball, taking the train with it. Everything crumbles in a thunderous crash as Sara celebrates nearby)

Will: (Raising arms) YES! I deed eet! I'm the rootinest-tootinest-galoompin—!

(A trapdoor opens beneath him and he falls yelling into darkness)

* * *

(He hit the mesh bottom of some massive cage. Lava bubbles beneath it and it's über hot. Will gets up and finds himself back in his Jedi robes)

 _An impressive display. A pity that guns will only serve as a symbol for mindless violence and the fleeting machismo of masculine society._

Will: You set me up; that plunger didn't work! You almost killed Sara! Oh hey, my normal voice is back.

 _You sound rather upset over her predicament. But weren't you upset over her hesitation in saving herself?_

Will: A little frustrated, but the sun was hot and the clock was ticking.

 _A brief moment of frustration, common in any relationship. Or the sign of something deeper… more sinister?_

Will: What the heck are you gabbing about?

 _You began this lengthy Saga as a Sith, but was converted to the ways of the Jedi in the span of one trilogy. I for one consider your change in moral standing rather suspect._

Will: What makes you say that?

 _I still believe there is some evil left in you: A sense of self-interest which can bring out your most latent strength, but at a dear cost. Thus I present to you one last challenge to see where you really stand. Do you follow the path of devotion, neutrality, or selfishness? Let's find out._

(Two things bound with chains fall from above and then jolt to a stop a bit over the cage bottom. Two holes open beneath the hanging objects, and they're slowly lowered into the lava below)

 _It's a simple game of choice. To your right is your beloved Sara: Your devoted wife of many years. Your soul mate, as it were. To your left is the 99,000 credit computer hard drive you've spent 5 whole years customizing to your liking._

Will: (Immense gasp) My Gigabyter Nexus™?!

 _Correct. Through years of hard work and tireless parts gathering, it has been customized to a such a degree that only the databanks of Coruscant can match its vast memory space and processing speeds. Quite the marvel in personal computer technology, if I might say._

Sara: Will! Help!

Hard Drive: Beep beep beep.

 _Here are your choices. Behind you is a lone button that when pushed will cause both chains to stop and seal the pits beneath them. However, 100,000 volts will surge through your body and you'll be fried to a crisp. The other option is to run to one of the two captives and save them manually. But take heed: Once the weight of one chain is loosed, then the other chain will plummet straight into the lava. I have also disabled the use of Force powers for this scenario, so there will be no cheating in that regard._

 _Thus you find yourself at a crossroads. What is most important to you: Love, pride, or indecision? What you choose decides your future in the grand story, and what changes you may take to achieve your chosen path. Except for the first option: You'll just straight up die. So which will it be, William?_

 _Make your final choice._

 _Let the game begin._

Will: Oh man… No fair! This is Bull-S**t!

Sara: Get me down from here, Will!

Will: Hold on I'm thinking!

Sara: It's getting hot! What are you waiting for?

Will: I'm thinking! I told ya! (Turns to see the button) I could save them both, but then I'll die, and I love life. (Turns back around)

Sara: Will!

Will: Sara, my love… How could I part with her? She has always been there for me. Whenever I try to distance myself, she always stepped in to draw me back, to fill my cold life with warmth and love.

Hard Drive: Beep boop do do beep deep beep.

Will: Of course I haven't forgotten about you. How could I forget the hardware that I slaved over for so long? I took that 50 megabyte-processing weakling and turned it into a juggernaut that Bill Gates would wet himself over just to touch. How could I ever forsake you?

Sara: Are you serious? Are you actually considering that piece of junk over me?! What's wrong with you?!

Will: I didn't say that! Just let me think some more!

Sara: HURRY!

Hard Drive: Dee dee deeee!

(Will goes into his Mind Palace)

Will: (Thoughts) Oh man this is hard. Flesh or plastic? Memories made or memories stored? Commitment or investment? Man this Jigsaw is plain evil god I hate him!

Sara: Stop screwing around and choose you lummox!

Will: (Out loud) I'm not a lummox!

(Runs at Sara and leaps. He snags her and breaks her free from the chain. When he lands on the other side Sara disappears)

Will: What the—!?

 _The Sara you just saved was a fake. But the hard drive is very much real._

(The hard drive drops and plops in the lava)

Will: (Running to pit reaching out) GIGGYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Hard Drive: Beep Boop, I will always love you Poppy, breeeeeeee…

(After it disappears, Will rears back and spreads his arms and "NOOOOOO"'s to the heavens with the despair of a hundred reborn Darth Vaders)

 _A truly great loss, but you made the right choice. I would give you a pat on the back, but I'm incorporeal at the moment._

Will: Meaningless! All that work, GONE! What legacy am I to leave now? What good am I to anyone?!

?: You're good to me.

Will: Huh?

(A spectral form of Sara appears)

Sara: Kinda familiar, eh? Like on Oceania.

Will: You're… You're dead?

Sara: Can't say for the moment. But I _can_ tell you that what you did means a lot to me. You chose to save me over something your heart held equally dear.

Will: How can you say that? Nothing is ever equal in value to you. You're just you, always.

Sara: There you go. You've shown and said how important I am to you. And for that I am grateful.

Will: But I yelled at you. Got impatient and angry with you.

Sara: Will, not everyone can be an angel. What's important is you never stop trying to be a good person. And you do have a good heart, Will, so there's nothing to worry about. After all, you basically broke free from the worst of your tech addiction by choosing me, so cheer up. You got me. (Puts transparent hand on his cheek) In a sense, anyway.

Will: Yeah… You're right. Just some self-improvement, that's all. Heh, what would I do without you?

Sara: Be a loner mercenary with a lot of big swanky guns?

Will: Read me like an open book.

Sara: I love you too. See you on the other side, okay? The living side.

Will: Gotcha.

(She disappears and a portal takes her place)

 _Truly touching. But your time here is up. You have passed admirably. And if all goes well with your friends, you may yet enjoy a bright future on your chosen path._

Will: No doubt. Later pasty.

(Steps through the portal and it closes. In the shadows off to the side, someone twirls a pistol)

Figure: You did good this time, boy. But that don't mean your luck's gonna hold, (Aims gun)

 ** _Come next time…_**

 **End Trial**


	7. Sara's Trial

**The Trial**

 **of**

 **Sara Maller**

(There's the sound of bullets. The smell of blood, gunpowder and old antiseptics fill the air. It's somewhat cold in the cramped green tent. Sara is in a white nurse's uniform, a large table before her. Screaming can be heard somewhere)

Sara: What in the—?

Voice: Clear the way! Clear the way!

(Bursting through the tent's flap opening comes two soldiers in green carrying a gurney with a wounded soldier on it, which they drop onto the table. The wounded soldier has a cymbal monkey toy on his chest)

Sara: Who the—

Soldier One: (Salutes) Another one from the battlefield, ma'am! He's mighty fresh if I do say so myself, ma'am!

Soldier Two: (Salutes) It's the strangest thing, ma'am! I've never seen anything like it in my life, ma'am!

Sara: W-w-well what's wrong with him?

Soldier One: (Salutes) That's what you're supposed to figure out, ma'am!

Soldier Two: (Salutes) He's taken a bullet to the shoulder and the side pelvis, but he's claiming to be in utter agony, ma'am!

Wounded: The agony! Oh the agony… ma'am!

Soldier One: (Salutes) I fear he may have polio, ma'am!

Soldier Two: (Salutes) Or what the Brits call typhus, ma'am!

Sara: What? That's ridiculous!

Soldier One: (Salutes) Our opinion means nothing to yours, ma'am!

Soldier Two:: (Salutes) You are the head nurse in this operation, ma'am! Only you can figure out this private's ailments!

Wounded: Aiiiiilments….. So aiiiiiiily…

Sara: I don't understand! What operation? Where are we? And what's with the monkey?

Soldier One: (Salutes) No clue about the monkey, ma'am! As for the other things we don't have time to refresh you, ma'am!

Soldier Two: (Salutes) Good luck in your work, ma'am. You have our utmost confidence, ma'am! We'll be off to shoot off the oppressors, ma'am!

Soldier One: Right then! Shoulder weapons! (Bring Thompsons to their shoulders) Left face! (Do it) And March! (The two march out in unison)

Both: _This is my rifle; this is my gun!_

 _This one's for fighting; this one's for fun!_

 _This is my rifle; this is my gun!_

(They disappear out the flaps, leaving a bewildered Sara)

Sara: So weird…

(Looks over wounded soldier and picks up the monkey toy. On it is the message "Wind Me," and on the back is a key. She winds the key and sets the monkey on a nearby bench. Rather than the expected clanging noise, the cymbals make a voice)

Jigsaw: Hello Sara. By now you're undoubtedly confused as to where you are. That is to be expected: The field of battle has rarely been a site of clarity to the reasonable and humane.

Sara: You're that Jigsaw guy. But what field of battle?

Jigsaw: You were born with a gentle soul. Although lately you started cutting loose, you've always harbored kindness toward others, concern for their well-being. Such innate feelings was led you into becoming the designated field nurse of the Jedi, and caretaker of the injured and sickly whenever the need arose. But can your empathy stand up to the horrors you've never witnessed firsthand?

The time is late in World War II. The place is Omaha Beach. People are dying all around and you're in the middle of the bloodbath. This event has been altered so that the tent you stand in remains untouched, but that doesn't diminish the violence outside one bit.

Sara: What does this have to do with me?

Jigsaw: It is here your skills and devotion as a nurse will be tested. The man before you has been hit with bullets laced with a special poison. This poison keeps a person alive no matter what happens to them, but the price is that the victim will feel immense pain the entire time. The antidote for this ailment is locked away in a chest in an overturned truck 50 yards from where you stand. The key to opening that chest is tucked safely away on the patient. Because I'm feeling generous, I'll give you a hint: Open his shirt.

(Sara hesitantly does so, and covering the entirety of the man's chest and stomach is a great black X)

Sara: What the heck?

Jigsaw: The key is inside your patient, Nurse Maller. You have to utilize all your expertise in healing to cut him open and retrieve it with as little mess as possible. If you make too many misses, he will die, and so will you. Consider it equivalent exchange; don't ask how it works. All you need to remember is this burning question: How much are you willing to suffer and endure to save a stranger? That's a choice you alone can make.

Let the game begin.

(Monkey poofs away. Sara stands there a little harried)

Sara: I really didn't like the tone he had in saying "nurse". But man, surgery… Never had to operate on anyone beyond applying stitches. Still, I suppose I can manage. Be real helpful if I had an assistant—

(A short man in a green smock with paper mouth mask slides into sight next to her. He gives a salute)

Man: Ma'am! Understudy reporting to assist, ma'am!

Sara: Well that's convenient.

Man: It has to be: You're the best nurse in our division. Every life counts on us, ma'am!

Sara: Alright, if that's the case then let's get to work. Okay… Scalpel.

(Gets handed a fresh one. She looks it over)

Sara: Okay, looks good. Now, it might be a good idea to anesthetize the patient first. Wouldn't you agree?

Patient: Ooooggha, yes please, ma'am.

Sara: Swell. Now assistant, if you would just hand me—

(The medical aid wallops the patient on head with a mallet, rendering him still)

Man: (Salutes) Patient is out cold, ma'am!

Sara: Uhhh, good enough I guess. Now, commencing operation. (Begins cutting along the black lines. Blood begins to spurt a bit) Jeez, have ourselves a gusher… (After a bit the cutting ends) Incisions made. Now to… (Gulp) Open him.

Man: Opening!

(Pulls open skin flaps to reveal gooey innards and rib cage. Sara brings up arms in shock)

Sara: Jeez can't you be a little more delicate? The guy isn't exactly numb here!

Man: (Salutes) My apologies but time isn't a luxury we can afford now, ma'am!

Sara: Ugh, I suppose. Anyway, now to find that key. Hand me some medical gloves would you?

Man: We have no medical gloves.

Sara: What? No gloves? Are you insane?! How do you expect this to be a clean operation without them? (Looks over to see the man with a bullet hole in his head) What the frick!? That clown b****rd said it was safe here! Urrrggh! Okay, just calm down. Deep breaths. (Deep breaths) I can do this. I gotta pass this or everyone will end up being trapped for eternity. No pressure. Still, I be as sanitized as possible if I'm to reduce the likelihood of infection.

(Looks around, sees a handy bottle of whiskey on a lamp stand. She grabs it and looks it over)

Sara: Huh, barely used. Should work. (Pops it open and pours it over her hands and upper arms, rubbing in the alcohol, then takes a hefty swig for herself) Right, all prepped up. (Tosses bottle aside with a crash) Now to get this started.

(Brings hands slowly towards innards, then carefully sticks them in. There's plenty of squishing noises. Sara has a focused look as she feels around the organs, groping for any foreign bodies)

Sara: Getting stuffy in here… Really could use a sponge…

(Another man slides up next to her holding out a towel)

Man: Here's a towel, ma'am!

(Sara gets über startled and whips out her hands. She's holding something squirty in one hand)

Sara: GAH! Don't do that! Weren't you dead?

Man: Nope; I'm the replacement. There's plenty of reserves in this army. It's our secret weapon.

Sara: Oh, well, good to know.

Man: Not to point out the obvious, ma'am, but you seem to be holding the patient's appendix.

Sara: Wait, I am? (Looks at the little organ) Huh, how bout that.

(Flicks appendix out of the tent, where it explodes with the sounds of screaming cannon fodder)

Sara: Yeesh. Guess it was time to have that removed. Anyway, back to "surgery".

(Sticks hands back into patient. There's more squishing sounds but Sara remains determined)

Sara: Towel me. (Assistant dabs her forehead) Tongs. (Tongs are applied to widen the innards) Thermometer. (A cooking thermometer is stuck in) Temperature is barely normal. Gotta hurry.

(At some point she hits an artery and blood starts spraying at her, but she dodges left to avoid getting splattered. She dodges right for the next spray, then ducks for the next. Suddenly it's a continuous stream she needs to weave around while a bloody portrait is being traced on the flap behind her. Eventually the blood peters out)

Man: I believe that artery has run dry, ma'am.

Sara: I can tell. Woof, that thing was out to get me. Thought it would never end.

Man: You better be careful: One more artery and you'll fail the challenge.

Sara: Super. Need to be more careful, meaning less time to find this tricky little— FOUND IT!

(Holds up blood-drenched key accompanied by gospel choir)

Man: A key, ma'am? That's the cause?

Sara: No: It's the key to the cure. But first things first: sutures, please.

Man: On it, ma'am!

(Sara is handed the sutures and begins to close up the patient. After some swift needle work and a quick snip, the patient is stitched up)

Man: Expert work, ma'am.

Sara: Wouldn't exactly be a decent nurse if I left him wide open. Now tell me: Where's the nearest overturned truck?

Man: About 50 yards across from here. But it's an enemy vehicle.

Sara: Doesn't matter. I'm going for it. (Moves to tent flap)

Man: That's pretty unwise, considering—

Sara: Yaiiee!

(Leaps back. Outside is a long stretch of beach full of obstacles and craters under an overcast sky. The whole area is pelted by constant gunfire)

Man: Considering that a war is still going on.

Sara: Frick! Of course it wouldn't be that easy.

Man: Not to further hassle you, ma'am, but we're starting to lose the patient.

Sara: I'm aware! (Huffs) Well, if I'm doing this, I better suit up.

(Cut to montage of Sara stripping down to a plain shirt, tightening up some boots, tying up her hair into a ponytail, and smearing on some combat paint, becoming a bonafide battle gal. She goes over to the exit flap)

Sara: Alright soldier, do you know how to use a gun?

Man: Of course. I got my rifle right here.

Sara: So listen, I will need your help. I'm gonna run out there to the overturned truck. I want you to provide covering fire to distract those gunners out there. When I give the signal you— (Notices man has bullet hole in head) D***it, not again! Just me alone again. Cool. At least let's see if the bullets thin out first.

Patient: DYING!

Sara: You're supposed to be unconscious! (Looks outside and spots truck a good distance away) No better time for a jog.

(Runs out. She sprints across the sand dodging bullets, ducking, jumping fox holes and rolling. Soon the bullets start following her, forcing her down a stretch of beach laden with gymnastic equipment, doing flips over foam mats, trampolines, pommel horses and whirling around on the triple bars. After sticking a landing worthy of ovation, she hurries behind a large rock and rests)

Sara: (Pant pant pant) What was that all about? The Soviet Preliminaries or something?

(Looks over to see the overturned truck a short distance away. There's a huge swastika on its side. Immediately she gets up and rushes over to the back, where she finds a metal chest. When she reaches it she fishes for the key and pulls it out)

Sara: Now to open it.

(She sticks it into the lock and turns it. After a click she opens it. Suddenly a man in black leather comes up to her brandishing a Luger)

Sara: Gah!

German: Schnitzel mein strudel you American hussie!

(Gets a solid kick to the groin and collapses)

Sara: The battlefield's no place to get fresh, mister!

(She reaches into the chest and pulls out a vial of green liquid)

Sara: Gotcha!

(She sprints back to the tent. For this jaunt she takes up a pole and dashes at a barricade, then pole vaults over it before it explodes from a cannon blast, the explosion propelling her the rest of the way. At last she tumbles into the tent and gets up, holding the vial)

Sara: Never fear: Nurse Sara is here! (Takes cap off vial) Drink this.

(Lifts patient's head and pours contents into mouth. After some swallowing)

Patient: Ugh… Ohhhh… I feel relieved. The stinging in my throat has eased. I feel at rest. The blight has left me at last.

Sara: Yeush! Another patient saved! Now let's clean you up.

Patient: Don't bother; I'm gonna die soon.

Sara: Say what?! How do you know?

Patient: Things are getting dark for a start...

Sara: Well get your eyes checked cuz I just gave you the antidote! You should be fine! (Grabs guy's shoulders) You're not doing this to me, not after what I just went through! I'm not gonna fail this and let the others down cuz you want to shuffle off without my say so! (Shakes him) You are going to live dang it! I'll flippin' kill you if you screw me over!

Patient: I'm not gonna screw you over. You did what you were supposed to do. Will you stop shaking me? (Sara let's him go so that he hits the table) Ow.

Sara: What do you mean I did what I was supposed to do? You're still dying!

Patient: Yes, that's true. But… You were slightly misinformed.

Sara: Huh?

Patient: You weren't told how many bullets I took. You were so focused looking for that key, you didn't notice just how riddled up I am. I was a goner before you laid eyes on me.

Sara: Well that's swell to hear! That freakin' Jigsaw! He told me to save you but it was just a frickin' ruse! Gosh dern frickin' liar!

Patient: No no, dear Sara. It wasn't a ruse. You have indeed saved me.

Sara: How exactly?

Patient: That poison, it was making my death more painful. It tore at my pain receptors, ate at my organs. I would've gone out in more agony than any bullet wound victim should every experience. But you, you spared me that pain. You allowed my final moments to be of tranquility rather than agony. You were tasked with saving me from a painful death, and for that I am truly grateful. (Puts hand on her cheek) You are a saint through and through, Sara. You risked your life to help a lost cause like me. Someone you don't even know. And isn't it the duty of any healer to heal the suffering of their patient, in any way they can?

(There is a long quiet, then)

Sara: That's right. But, still...

Patient: You've passed, sweets. No time for "buts".

Sara: I wish I could've done more, though.

Patient: Don't dwell on me. Turn your attention on those still alive and in need of aid. You have a good heart, Sara. Don't forget that. Farewell…

(The patient turns into light balls and floats away, disappearing. Sara just stands there looking, after them while having a serious inner reflection)

 _As I stood there seeing the remains of the patient disappear, I lingered on his words a moment. What he said about me, the way he sounded when he spoke it… It was then that he reminded me a lot of Will. He seemed so much like him whenever he was injured, though that was a rarity these days. Will… He's somewhere out there, putting up with the same nonsense as me; doing his darnedest to get out and find me._

 _But Will and the patient weren't the only things on my mind. I thought about the place I was in; the sights I saw as I ran across that sand. It truly was a Land of War. Even though I've been in the heart of a lot of brutal conflicts in the galaxy, I've rarely seen anything so visceral. It paints a grim picture me and the others never had a chance to see, until the Financer came around. He showed us just how merciless true violence can be, and this place, be it real or imaginary, was covered in it. I could smell it in the air. Hear the cries of the ones beyond saving. Reminders that no matter how pivotal or even necessary, War would always be Hell for those fighting in it._

 _For a moment I wondered if war would ever truly end. If there was such a thing as everlasting peace. Then I remembered that that was what me and the others were tasked with: To uphold peace and put an end to major conflicts. Upholding order as Jedi Masters. And if I were to continue helping others, I had to remain focused, no matter how weird things got._

(A soldier sticks his head in hurriedly)

Soldier: Ma'am ma'am! Come quick; you've got to see this!

Sara: (Snapping out) What is it?

Soldier: The Nazis! The Krauts! The Bens! The Jerries! The whatever! All the enemy forces have transformed into German Shepherd puppies!

Sara: (Gleefully) Puppies!

Soldier: It's the cutest thing I ever did see! They're all playing with each other and jumping around the equipment and they're the most adorably d***ed things in the world! I'm gonna go put one in a helmet and spin him around! (Ducks out)

Sara: Ooh, wait for me! I want to give them all baths!

(Goes to flaps. When she pulls them open and runs out, the whole place floods with white)

* * *

(She tumbles yelling through air before landing hard atop a glowing platform. As she recovers we see nothing but darkness around her)

Sara: Ouchies...

 _Disappointing. You fell for such a simple trick. Rather, it would seem simple to anyone who_ _wasn't_ _entirely feminine._

Sara: Wait? I'm sorry, what was that?

 _First, let me commend you on doing your best in easing the suffering of that patient. And you handled yourself in the ways of medicine effectively even with a lack of key materials._

Sara: Thanks, I suppose.

 _However, there is still one thing about you that holds you back. It is a characteristic of critical import that negatively affects your overall worth._

Sara: And what is that?

 _Put bluntly, it is the fact you are rather "girly" for a hardened Jedi Warrior._

Sara: (Look of critical disbelief)

 _Though you display a kind nature, you also display the negative aspects of being a woman. In an age where people strive to stand out of the norm, you choose to act frail, play the helpless damsel in dire situations. Rather than serve as an inspiring role model, you are a callback to an age where women were viewed as weak and inferior to their male counterparts. Most unacceptable in this generation of equal opportunity._

Sara:...Are you serious? I mean, are you really serious?! What about me gives you the right to call me "girly"? Did you see the way I dodged those bullets? Kept my cool operating on that guy? I didn't faint when all that blood was spraying at me!

 _I was mainly referring to the moments where you complained and didn't offer much in the way of defending yourself. And how you reacted to the idea of puppies—_

Sara: People complain all the time, and it's not just women! Alex complains a whole lot, so does Squishy from time to time. Anna, Jo, Will, Sylvia, her kids, just about everybody in the universe gripes about something! And just because of a few times the author chooses to make me helpless in a situation, you single me out as some helpless stereotype? And who doesn't get giddy over puppies, huh? Dude, you are seriously sexist.

 _Uhh, no, I'm just—_

Sara: Yes you are! Golly jeez, that _there_ is disappointing. Actually, it's downright _pathetic_ in this day and age. If anything, you're the relic to an outdated time period.

 _I'm not the one being judged here. Lest you've forgotten, there's still one remaining half of your trial that needs to be completed._

Sara: And what would that be, Mr. Misogynist?

(Rising up from the darkness below comes a football field that hooks up to Sara's platform. The entire field is covered in four feet of squirming bugs of every icky kind imaginable. At the other end of the field is another platform with steps that lead up to a podium with a green button on it)

 _For your final challenge, you are to cross this field and press the button on the other side. Overcome your girlish instincts to return to your companions. You have 3 minutes._

Sara: You honestly think this is gonna faze me? You seriously suck at hiding your sexism.

 _JUST GO ALREADY THE CLOCK IS TICKING, GOD!_

Sara: Alright then. And don't expect me to scream and cry or whatever. In fact, I think I'll just casually stroll on over. It's only bugs.

(Sara heads to the edge to make true to her intentions, but halts when something brown and fuzzy lands before her. It's a German Shepherd puppy wearing a German solider helmet, making the cutest wittle grin)

Sara: OMG puppy!

 _Wait, how did that get there?_

(Suddenly more puppies start dropping in, all of them wearing adorable helmets and barking happily)

 _What's going on? This isn't supposed to be happening._

(The first Shepherd pup barks out to the others, and immediately they bounce into formation, then begin jumping onto one another's backs and get sprung off to the distant platform. From there they begin to form a kind of bridge)

 _Hey, what is this? Stop what you are doing!_

(Soon the bridge is complete, making a very narrow path over the field of creepy crawlies)

 _You're not allowed to do this!_

(The lead pupper scampers over the bridge of his comrades, and once on the other side he scampers up to the podium holding the button and springs up onto it)

 _Don't you dare touch that! Bad dog! Heel, heel!_

(The pup gleefully ignores him, barks, then puts a puny little paw onto the button. There's a hydraulic hiss as the field splits and separates downward, causing the insects to drop into the abyss. Hanging on one of the split parts is a silhouette man both struggling to haul himself up and desperately reaching out to the falling bugs)

Silhouette: NOO! My precious coleopteras!

(Loses grip and falls yelling into the void. After a bit the field closes back into place. The puppy bridge falls apart and they all hurry back to Sara, who kneels down to pet them and get licked)

 _I… I don't know why that just happened…_

Sara: Probably my reward for being such a helpful, kindhearted person. (Snuggles a pup) Isn't that right? You came to help me out, yes you did, yes you did. Such a good helpful boy you are!

 _Alright enough of that!_

(The dogs and platform poof away, leaving Sara in darkness)

Sara: Aww…

 _You didn't summon those animals yourself so I cannot fail you for cheating, and since I can offer no explanation as to how that transpired then I will go with yours and begrudgingly declare your trial completed._

Sara: Good. So that means you can send me back so you can have some time to reconsider how you view women.

 _Unlikely. I'm annoyed enough as it is, and my metaphysical hands are full with those other two. Goodbye._

Sara: What other two?

(A portal engulfs her and all goes quiet)

 ** _It's so dark down here…_**

 **End Trial**


	8. Anna's Trial

**The Trial**

 **of**

 **Anna Orda**

(She is strapped to a wheelchair that's flying through the dark corridors of some mansion, slamming through intermittent double doors. The steady beat of a guitar can be heard)

 _Hello Anna. Does the darkness suit you? It should, considering that you were the very last of the Sith Masters. But then you died, converted to the light and sided with the heroes. You're headstrong and at times can be mean to others, but nothing as severe as in your previous life. You are loved and respected by your peers, with all your sins forgiven. Yet, you hold a terrible secret..._

 _For your tough ways and no-nonsense attitude, you hold a particular interest in music and theater. Specifically, you have a great fondness for musicals. A fondness you have yet to disclose to anyone else in order to maintain your image. Here your secret shall be the means to attain your salvation. All you need to do is stand out from the rest; become the center of attention. The course of the extra will only lead to your ruin. Rise to stardom or fall into fatal obscurity. Make your choice._

 _Let the game begin._

(The beat nears its conclusion and two great double-doors split to let in a flood of light. After some disorientation Anna lowers her arms to behold a wondrous sight. Before her is a great banquet hall of some sort with a red carpet running down the middle. The walls are lined with pillars and strange gargoyles. There is a stage at the other end of the hall with an odd throne on it. Also odd about this place is that each side is lined with people in tuxedos of immensely diverse body types and wearing all kinds of bizarre and ill-fitting masks and party hats. They all look at her quizzically)

Anna: Ohhhhhhh-kay… What is this place? Why are all of you staring at me like that?

(They continue to stare. Behind her an elevator slowly descends and there's a steady rock beat)

Anna: Look, I have no idea how I got here. Sorry if I crashed whatever party you guys are in the middle of. I'm also not here to judge. All I want to know is how to get out of here. (Only gets stares. The elevator settles behind her) Right, if that's the case, I'll just be on my way. (Turns around only to be startled back by the fabulous cloaked figure before her) WAH!

Frank: _How do you do-a?_

 _So it seems-a,_

 _You've stumbled onto my abode_.

 _Yes it is a place of chills._

 _Home to many a thrills._

 _But don't panic; you can still drop your load._

 _Don't get strung out,_ (Struts down carpet)

 _By the way I look!_

 _Don't judge a book by its coveer!_

 _I'm not much of a man,_

 _By the light of day._ (Reaches stage)

 _But by night I'm one h**l of a loooveer._

 _I'm just a sweet trans-vestite._ (Throws off cloak)

 _From Transsssexual,_

 _Transylvaniaaaaa! Ha-HA!_ (Poses)

Anna: (Psyched) Holy geewilikers! It's you: The great Tim Curry!

Frank: No no, love. I am not Tim Curry. Rather, I am his most infamous yet sensual role: Dr. (Sexiness) Frank-n-Furter! (Guitar)

Anna: (Mouth dangling with disbelief and joy) Oooooooooooooooh WOW! My favorite campy musical character brought to life, from my favorite campy musical, played out in real time before me! Yippee!

Frank: Play out? Sorry, dearie. You are mistaken.

Anna: Huh?

Frank: I'm not here to entertain you. Oh no, quite the contrary. I'm here to take. You. Out. (Guitar)

Anna: (Devastated) What!?

Frank: That's right. Riff Raff! Magenta! Colombia! (His three faithful servants come to him) Word's been going around that there's a new star in town. Someone looking to take my title as master of song & sexiness. And I can't allow some plump little upstart take that from someone as masterful as moi.

Anna: Plump? Well that just means I have way more assets than you, bean pole!

Frank: Really? Apart from your natural… assets, what do you have that makes you so spec-i-al?

Magenta: The master demands an answer.

Riff Raff: That be true, dear sister.

Colombia: So cough it up, toots! Whatcha got?

Anna: Well, uh, I got… (Remembering) I have plenty of things! And I'll tell them to you in song!

(The bystanders begin chattering)

Frank: Hmm… Inviting. Well go on then.

Anna: Gladly! Huh-hum!

 _Though at times I may be a b***h,_

 _I hold powers that make you bewitched._

 _I can shoot lightning from my hands,_

 _And wring out losers like rubber bands._

 _I can leap high and decapitate,_

 _Sip me some tea and then meditate._

 _I hold a power that's the real s**t,_

 _For I am the master of: The Force Choke Biiiiiit!_

Eat this!

(Sticks out palm to shock of audience. However, Frank remains unperturbed, leaving Anna confused)

Conventionist 1: What was that about?

Conventionist 2: A bluff?

Conventionist 3: A bad one at that!

Conventionist 4: You stink, m'lady!

Colombia: Heeheeheeheehee! You got nothing! You're a flop!

Riff Raff: It seems so. So tell me, little missy: (Guitar plays)

 _You call that intimidation?_

Magenta: _Appears more like desperation._

Riff Raff: _We oughta put you under se-DA-SHUUN!_

Conventionists: _Let's, do, the Time Warp, On heeeeeeer!_

 _Let's, do, the Time Warp—_

Frank: No no no no. There will be no Time Warp, my lovelies. (Group groans) Now Anna, I commend you on your first try. Such an adorable effort. However, whatever your powers may be mean nothing in my world. You're gonna have to do better than that to convince me. What do you really have?

Anna: How do you know my na—

Frank: That's not important; quit stalling!

Anna: Okay, fine! Let me think. (In thoughts) Hmmmm… What is expected of me here? How do people in this place usually settle disputes... (Lightbulb) Aha! (Outloud) I know what I got that you don't!

Frank: Oh, do tell. I hate waiting.

Riff Raff: Same with us.

Magenta: Yeeeees…

Anna: Okay then listen up! For you see:

 _I have the thigh_ (Guitar)

 _To catch the viewers' eye_ (Guitar)

 _And make them aquiver with antici… pation!_ (Guitar)

 _Plus my midnight hair,_ (Guitar)

 _Gets all the guys to stare._ (Guitar)

 _Way more so than that sorry bush on your head._

(Long guitar. The hall fills with applause at her improvisation. Frank raises a hand to silence the crowd and holds a look of indifference)

Frank: That's it? A jab at my fabulous perm? Hah! Oh please! As if your dried-out straws can match this masterpiece. And besides, your precious thighs are of no great significance. In fact, they're rather….. lumpy. (Guitar and dun dun DUUUUUN!)

Anna: What the freak did you just say?!

Frank: You heard me: Nothing but cellulite. Practically gristle. All slush, no thunder. Besides, no thighs in the world can match those of my sweet, precious creation: Rocky Horror!

(Rocky slides out in his golden boxer shorts)

Rocky: _I'm just thirty-four years olllld!_

 _Truly beautiful, to behold._

 _And somebody should be told:_

 _My libido hasn't been controlllled!_

 _Now the on—_

(Frank brandishes an electric carving knife, making Rocky cower into silence)

Frank: Thank you, Rocky. That will do just fine.

Anna: You're messed up in the head! How can his legitimately be better than mine? They're artificially made; mine are all natural, baby.

Frank: Naturally imperfect and gag-inducing. But don't fret my "pretty". I can help you.

Anna: What?

Riff Raff: The master is offering his services. You better listen closely.

Magenta: But not for very much longer.

Riff Raff: I've got, to keep control….

Colombia: Hey! Franky said no Time Warps!

Frank: That's right. Now, Anna, I wish to build you up. Make you insatiable; irresistible. And for me to do that,

(Riff Raff rolls out a player piano and plays a little ditty)

Frank: _You'll eat nutritious, high protein,_

 _And swallow raw eggs._

 _Try to build your hips,_

 _Your chest, arms, and (eyebrow) legs._

 _Such an effort; if you only knew of my plan:_

 _In just 7 days—_

All: _I can make you, wo-Maaaaan! An an aan!_

Frank: _Dig it! IF you, caa~aaaaaan._

 _In just 7 days_

 _I can make you, wo-Maaaaaaaaan!_ (Ends music)

So refreshing…

Anna: Wow, you just seriously butchered your own song. What made you think "wo-man" would make the cut?

Frank: That's irrelevant. For you see, my sweet little Anna, we don't have to be enemies. You could join us in all our little parties. Then, when you're all nice and pooped, the operation can begin. For you see:

 _I will build a creature,_

Riff Raff: Creature.

Frank: _Which will feature,_

Colombia: _Feature!_

Frank: _Both fem and masculine party._

 _It'll hold the greatest of thighs._

 _Accompanied by the gentlest of eyes,_

 _Which will undoubtedly steal our hearts._

Anna: What? That's the dumbest plan I ever… actually it's not, but it's still stupid!

Frank: No, it is brilliant~! And you will follow my scheme because:

 _I'm just a sweet trans-vestite!_

Anna: _But I'm sen-sational!_

Frank: _I'm from Transylvania._

Anna: _But can you say you're trans-di-mensional? Hul hul!_

(The whole place goes silent)

Conventionist 3: I don't get it.

Frank: (Creepy sexy laugh) You call that a closer? Pitiful. Sloppy. And you accuse me of lyrical butchery. Well until you wise up and get with my program, you shall remain here forevaah!

Some Man: Not unless we have something to say about it!

(Rushing into the room arrive Brad and Janet, along with the wheelchair-bound Dr. Scott)

Scott: That's right!

Anna: Dr. Scott?!

Janet: Anna!

Scott: Janet?

Brad: (Dreamily) Anna…

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky! … Sorry; force of habit.

Anna: What are you guys doing here, out of the blue, on this lavish stage set?

Scott: Ve've been trapped in this hellish maze for years!

Janet: I'm so tired of this place! We want to go home!

Brad: So we're here to help you out as best we can, Anna!

Frank: You? (Guitar) Help? (Guitar) Ha! How my body tingles with mockery! You lowly fools could never do anything to begin with! Anna is indeed your last hope, but she's as good as toast!

Brad: _You're a hot dog_

 _But you bet-ter not hurt her..._

 _Frank, Fur-ter!_

(Frank looks to Colombia, but she just sits there)

Colombia: Sorry, boss; the Medusa's upstairs.

Frank: …. S**t!

Scott: _You're a hot dog_

 _But you bet-ter not hurt her..._

 _Frank, Fur-ter!_

Rupert Murdoch: Silence!

(With a wave of a hand there's a poof and suddenly Scott's legs are wearing fishnets and do a kicking routine as "Wild & Untamed Thing" is playing)

Scott: Oh Gott! Not this again! (Rocks off away)

Frank: Thank you Rupert, darling. Care to try me as well, Janet? (Silence from her) Good girl.

Anna: You're out of control!

Frank: It's my fun house, my rules. And you're an untalented, unwelcomed guest!

Anna: Oh yeah? Well I'll show you some talent!

Frank: Like slinging limp threats?

Anna: Something better! With your permission, Janet.

Janet: Sure.

Anna: Awesome. Now then:

 _Your ignorance is persistent,_

 _You refuse to keep distant._

 _Your plan is über lame! (Guitar)_

 _I've got one thing to say and that's:_

 _Bl-bl-bl-bl-blow mee!_

 _And kiss my hiiineey!_

 _Screw you-fool you-muuute you!_

 _Pervert of the niiiiiiiight!_

(The hall gasps even louder. Frank stands there looking mildly impressed)

Frank: Mmmm. It appears this mangy house cat has some claws after all. Then I guess it's time to get a little serious. (Immense guitar) By putting on a proper show.

(A steady guitar beat starts playing)

Anna: Uhhh…

Riff Raff: (Shuddering) You're in for it now.

Frank: I hope you're ready, missy: Here I come:

 _I'll tell you once._

 _I won't, tell you twice._

 _You'd better watch out, Anna "Wise",_

 _Or I'm gonna cut up, those lumpy thighs!_

 _You're as sensual, as a pencil!_

 _With a snozz as flat, as a bat's!_

 _Tell me: Can you hear this lover PRAT?_

(Great song waves fly from him, disorienting Anna.)

Frank: How's that for a retort, you dainty pork?

(Record scratches to a stop. Anna begins shaking with rising anger)

Frank: Uh-ohh...

Brad: You really did it now.

Anna: That's the last time you get to call me fat, Twiggy McGee. I didn't want to resort to this, but… The time for mercy is over. (Immense inhale, then)

 _Shut your f**king face uncle f**kaaa!_

 _You're a c**k-sucking a**-licking uncle f**kaaa!_

 _You're an uncle f**ka, yes it's true,_

 _Nobody f**ks uncles quite like you!_

(This change of music style creates a blast that sends Frank flying and crashing through his throne. He quickly recovers amidst the wreckage)

Frank: What the Fay Wray was that?! You dirty tramp! Looking to play dirty in my temple, eh? Well if dirty is what you want, dirty is what you shall have!

 _Shut your f**king face uncle f**kaaa!_

 _You're the one who f**ked your uncle uncle f**kaa!_

 _You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn_

 _You just f**k your uncle all day long!_

(The two then break into a fart-off. They go about the place laughing and tooting)

Rupert Murdoch: What's going on here?

(Gets farted in the face. The farce continues)

Janet: What garbage.

Brad: Well what did you expect, honey: It's South Park.

(Now the whole room fills with the chanting of f**ka)

Both: _Shut your f**king face uncle f**ka!_

Anna: Uncle f**ka!

Both: _You're a boner-biting b****rd uncle f**kaa!_

Frank: _You're an uncle f**ka, I must say._

Anna: _Well you f**ked your uncle yesterday!_

(Song switch)

Frank: _But I can change, I can chaaange!_

 _I know I've been a dirty little b****rd._

 _I like to kill, I like to mate, I like to sing_

 _But it's okay cuz I can change!_

(Song switch)

Brad: _I got a feeling there's a miracle due,_

 _Gonna come true,_

 _Coming to meeeeee!_

(Song switch)

Janet: _Tonight, tonight,_

 _There's only you tonight._

 _What you are, what you do,_

 _What you saaaaaay~!_

(Switch)

Colombia: T _here's on-ly us,_

 _There's on-ly this._

 _Forget, reeeegret,_

 _Or life is yours to miss._

 _No o-ther road,_

 _No o-ther waaaay,_

 _No day but todaaaaay!_

(Switch)

Riff & Magenta: _Watch 'em run amok, 'catch em as they fall,_

 _Never know your luck when there's a free-for-all._

 _Here a little dip, there a little touch,_

 _Most of them are goners so they won't miss much!_

(Switch)

Rocky: _I'm supeer! Thanks for asking!_

 _All things considered I couldn't be better I must saaay!_

 _I'm feeling super! No, nothing bugs me—_

Frank: Stop stop stop STOP! (Waves everyone into silence) We might have gone a little overboard there.

?: I'll say!

(Suddenly a man with luscious frizzy hair, Hawaiian shirt and an accordion leaps onto the scene)

Scott: (Still kicking wildly) Vho's that?

Anna: Aye caramba! Weird Al Yankovic?!

Weird Al: Finally in the spotlight, baby! And if you kids are gonna belt out a medley, you're gonna do it right: Polka Style!

(Tears into savage opening accordion solo)

 _ **Polka Round!**_

 _(To the tune of "Polka Power")_

Anna: _Yo I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want!_

All: _So tell us what you want, what you really really want!_

Anna: _I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want!_

All: _So tell us what you want, what you really really want!_

Anna: _I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha,_

 _I really really really wanna ziggy zig ah!_

 _If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends!_

All: _Gotta get with my friends!_

Anna: _Make it last forever; friendship never eeeeends!_

 _If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give._

All: _You've got to give!_

Anna: _Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is!_

All: _Hey!_

(Polka solo, then)

Frank: _I'm not sick, but I'm not weeeeeell!_

 _And I'm so hooooOooOOt,_

 _Cuz I'm in Heeeeeeeeeeell!_

 _I'm not sick, but I'm not weeeeeell!_

 _And it's a sin—_

All: _Yes it's a sin!_

Frank: _To live so weeeeeeEEEEeeell!_

Colombia: _Ghetto superstar: That is what you are._

 _Coming from afar, reaching for the stars._

 _Run away with me, to another place._

 _We can rely on each other, uh-huh._

 _From one corner to another, uh-huh!_

(Another solo then).

Rocky: _Everybooody!_

All: _Yeeeeah!_

Rocky: _Rock you booody!_

All: _Yeeeeah!_

Rocky: _Everyboooody!_

 _Rock your boody right._

 _Backstreet's back: Alright!_

 _Alright!_

Brad: _So don't delay, act now! Supplies are ruuunning out!_

 _Allow if you're still alive, six to eight years to arrive!_

 _And if you follow there may, be a tomorrow but if,_

 _The offer is shun,_

All: _You might as well be walkin' on the sun._

 _Might as well be walkin' on the sun!_

(An extended solo, then)

Riff Raff: _Intergalactic planetary, planetary, intergalactic._

Magenta: _Intergalactic planetary, planetary, intergalactic._

All: _Intergalactic planetary, planetary, intergalactic!_

Scott: _I get knocked down, but I get up again!_

 _You're never gonna keep me down!_

 _I get knocked down, but I get up again!_

 _You're never gonna keep me down!_

 _I get knocked down, but I get up again!_

 _You're never gonna keep me down!_

 _I get knocked down, but I get up again!_

 _You're never gonna keep me down!_

Janet: _Quicker than a ray of light!_

 _Quicker than a ray of light!_

 _Quicker than a ray of li-i-i-i-ight!_

Rupert Murdoch: _I wanna push you around. (Well I will, well I will!)_

 _I wanna puuush you down. (Well I will, well I will!)_

 _I wanna take you for granted._

 _I wanna take you for granted._

 _Yeah, yeah, well I will!_

Anna: _I want some-thing else,_

 _To set me through this... Semi-charmed kind of life._

 _Ba-by, ba-by._

 _I want something else._

 _I'm not listening when yoou say:_

 _Good-BYYYYE!_

All: _Doot doot doot doot do do do,_

 _Doot doot doot doot do do do,_

 _Doot doot doot doot do do do_

 _Do do do do do do!_

Frank: _There's lots of pretty, pretty ones,_

 _That want to get you hiigh._

 _But all the pretty, pretty ones,_

 _Will leave you low, and blow your mind._

 _We're-all-stars-now, in the dope show._

 _We're-all-stars-now, in the dope show._

(Hanson brothers intermission)

All: _I smell sex and—_

Brad: _Can-dy, here…_

All: _Who's that lounging—_

Brad: _In-my, chair….?_

All: _Who's that casting—_

Brad: _Devious stares in my direction; mama this surely is a dream._

 _Yeah….. Yeah mama this surely is a dream._

 _Dig it…. Yeah mama this surely is—_

Anna: _Closing time! One last call for alcohol_

 _So finish your whiskey or beer._

 _Closing time! You don't have to go home but you_

 _Can't. Stay. Here!_

Brad: _I know who I want to take me home!_

Janet: _I know who I want to take me home!_

Scott: _I know who I want to take me home!_

All: _Take us home!_

Both: _Cuuuuuuuz ittttttttt's,_

 _Cloooooooosing, Tiiiii—_

All: _Yeah it's closing time!_

Both: _IIIIII—_

All: _We're talkin- bout closin' time_!

Both: _IIIII—_

All: _It's really closin' time!_

Both: _IIIME!_

All: HEY!

(Weird Al plays out the final notes, but then the music grinds to a halt, signaling everyone to collapse in exhaustion. Weird Al is all sweaty and his fingers and accordion are smoking)

Weird Al: Whoa, you guys can really keep up. Guess that's it for my cameo. Later. (Leaps away)

Anna: (Pant pant pant pant pant) I gotta hand it to you, Franky, (Pant pant pant pant) You really are a pro at this, (Pant pant pant pant) I haven't felt like this in years: All the adrenaline and loss of breath, (Pant pant pant) Maybe… Maybe I should get out there and—

Frank: _I'm not wearing underwear today!_

 _No I'm not wearing underwear today._

 _Not, that you probably care_

 _Much, about my underwear_

 _Still, nonetheless I gotta saaaay:_

 _That I'm not wear-ing underwear to, Daaaaaaay!_

Anna: Ah dude! I did not want to hear that!

(Collapses as RE game over music plays, with the words "You Are Disturbed" written across the screen)

Frank: Ha ha! No blow is too low for the great Frank to go! Ho ho!

Magenta: Excellent sneak attack, Master.

Riff Raff: And your rhyme remains polished as always.

Colombia: All hail the Frankinator!

Frank: So, Anna, the rose has indeed tinted your world, yet the trouble and pain still abounds. How about surrendering and becoming my understudy to end your misery?

(Anna slowly gets back up)

Janet: Come on, Anna! Don't give up!

Scott: Ve're all counting on you!

Brad: Do it for me, Anna!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky! D**n, stop doing that!

Anna: Uggghhh… It ain't over yet, Damocles. I still got a Transducer or two up my sleeve.

Frank: Peh! What can you possibly do? I've reveled in your dirtiest chants!

Anna: Yeah, which is why I've got to change things. This situation calls for me to play: The Greatest Most Girly Song in All Theater! (Gasps!)

Frank: You surely jest!

Anna: Yeah, you think? Then check this out! (Slowly pulls off glasses as the camera whirls around her all dramatic-like)

Riff Raff: I don't like where this is going…

(After the prep and stance)

Anna: _I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!_

 _I feel pretty and witty and briiiight!_

 _And I pity,_

 _Any girl who isn't me toniiiight!_

(She continues and everyone freaks out screaming)

Frank: NOOOOOO! A song so uplifting, so harmonious, and of purest joy! My raunchy decadence is useless before it!

(His servants run around like crazy)

Magenta: I can't bear this!

Riff Raff: I can only function in rock!

Colombia: What charm!

Rocky: Guh Guuuh!

(They collide with each other and explode. As to the three allies they start to glow and float upwards)

Brad: Hey! We're going home!

Janet: The curse has been lifted!

Scott: Thank you, Anna! Bless your musical heart!

(They float away)

Rupert Murdoch: I'm calling in that favor, Satan!

(A massive red demon hand reaches down, and Rupert stands atop it and is lifted away. All the conventionists meanwhile explode into confetti)

Anna: _Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress,_

 _Such a pretty smile, such a pretty MEEEEEEE!_

(Frank starts to steam and melt)

Frank: Oh! I'm melting! I'm really melting! Oh what a world what a world! Who will keep the masses fabulous now? This hussie has gone and ruined all our fun! Oh, we all float down here! Everyone floats down here, Georgie! No one can waggle their eyebrows the way I can! No One! Glub glub glub glub glubble!

(Is reduced to a puddle of cheap make-up. Anna continues to sing, finishing up with a shrieking high note that cracks and shatters the room in a great audible explosion)

* * *

(She's floating in darkness again, but this time it's completely empty)

 _…_ _..Wow. That was really… "extravagant"._

Anna: Yeah, I had a pretty swell time overall.

 _I mean…. That place was so pumped with lustful energy… I can't even feel my face now._

Anna: Uhhh, you gonna be okay, bub?

 _I, don't, know. Seeing all that singing and swearing and polka, my mind feels like it's been liquefied by a golden brick of auditory bliss… I find myself questioning my own sexuality, and even pondering if I even have one. I've even forgotten what your final trial was supposed to be._

Anna: Then I guess I can go now.

 _No. You can't leave just yet. Here: This is something you can do._

(Anna is now on a cliff next to a fog-choked ravine)

 _Yeah, so, you like to be a know-it-all annnnd it could be your undoing. Knowledge isn't everything, something something something, uhhhhhh, errrrrrr, uhhhhh…... Just do whatever! Lose and you die: Plain and simple! God I'm so frazzled! Where's my lipstick? Toodles!_

(Abrupt silence follows)

Anna: Was it really that flamboyant for you to handle? Still, his fault for not being mentally prepared. Some omni-whatever he is!

(Moves along cliff and comes to a rickety bridge. She carefully goes across it over the chasm. At the other end she's assailed by a grizzled old guy)

Grizzled Guy: If you wish to pass you must answer these questions three!

Anna: Patrick? Is that you? How you been, man?

Grizzled Guy: I know not this Patrick.

Anna: Okay, Mock Talker. That better?

Mock Talker: Yes.

Anna: I thought you were dead, man! Fried, y'know?

Mock Talker: Yay, I be fried. I just be an extra nowadays. But now I've landed me a big part, I did, and no Jedi lass is going to take it from me!

Anna: Oh Mocky, I'm not here to—

M. Talker: Play along and answer my questions or you lose and die!

Anna: Wait, like in Monty Python? Oh brother… Fine. Ask away.

M. Talker: Good, good. First question. What... Is your name and position?

Anna: Anna Orda: Most devious Jedi of them all.

M. Talker: What... Is your quest?

Anna: To get out of here and then find that Squishy of ours.

M. Talker: Last question: The time fallacy that was revealed in the Thrawn trilogy is made up of how many years? (Duh duh Duuuh!)

Anna: WHAT!? AGAIN?! Ah God-D***it! WHY NOW?! I was having such a good time for once!

M. Talker: Tis the way the ball bounces, baby. Your answer?

Anna: S**t! Let me think a bit! (Thinks, but is stumped) Oh man, I'm screwed… Could you at least tell me which of the books this supposed fallacy is brought up?

M. Talker: Sure, it's… actually, I never read those books so I wouldn't— (Launched into the air) KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! (Falls into ravine with a thump)

Anna: What? HA! I did it!

(FFVIII victory music plays as she makes a victory pose)

 _Okay I'm back and feeling lovely again. So, you beat him?_

Anna: You bet your weird Pierrot a** I did!

 _Good. I still haven't come up with a good enough trial but this will suffice. So there: You passed. Go back to your friends and remember your lessons and whatever._

(Portal appears before Anna)

Anna: I'll be sure to do that. Oh, and if you ever try pulling that Thrawn trick on me again, I'll go all Sound of Music on you.

 _Oh please don't!_

Anna: Glad we have an understanding. Toodles!

(Walks into the portal, which then vanishes. Nearby, someone is clapping)

 ** _Bravo! Magnifique! What a show what a show! Such invigoration! Wait… The girl survived? Oh Hot Patootie!_**

 **End Trial**


	9. Sally's Trial

**The Trial**

 **of**

 **Sally Jaa-Ruuk**

(She's in a large dressing room of some sort. The wall to her left is lined with racks of clothes and costumes. To her right is a wide vanity mirror with a counter and chair beneath. She sees her scaly reptile self in the glass, which is surrounded by lots of glowing light bulbs)

Sally: Huh. Pretty nifty set-up. (To mirror) Hey beautiful. Looking good! (Giggle)

 _Hello Sally._

(She gets startled and looks up. In an upper corner of the room is a speaker looking down on her)

Jigsaw: Is the dressing room to your liking?

Sally: Yeah. It's real roomy and nice. Waaaait… You're that clown from before, aren't you?

Jigsaw: That I am, Sal. Tell me: What is it that you're good at?

Sally: Huh?

Jigsaw: What is it that makes you a stand out in your universe?

Sally: Uh, I don't know. Nobody asked me something like that before. Ooh! I'm really good at dancing, and people say I'm good at singing too.

Jigsaw: Is that so? That may help you, for this is my reason for asking such a question:

You are unique, Sally. You are one of only three offspring to a Ssi-Ruuk and a Jawa pairing. The very fact you exist should merit permanent residence in your universe. Then again, you have two brothers who share the same trait, yet they offer than simply being biological oddities. Richter has stood out as his own character by rebelling (unwilling) against his kin and comrades, and even Stanley is exhibiting budding potential.

Sally: Stan? Seriously?!

Jigsaw: Seriously. The point I'm making, Sally, is that any noteworthy characters in a story must have something to hook viewers into caring about them. So far, you have yet to show anything that makes you truly distinct. You've only been someone who spouts a few lines, teases your brother and on one occasion have an emotional breakdown. You did sacrifice yourself to save your parents once, but afterwards you fell into the same routine of barely-noticeable bubbly dino lady.

Sally: But, that's just who I am. I just like being cheerful and having fun and being with my family and friends.

Jigsaw: Sadly that will not suffice. At this rate, you'll be relegated to the sidelines permanently, forgotten in the minds of everyone. Even to your dear family. And those types of characters typically end up getting written out of existence, with none the wiser or even caring.

Sally: No way! I don't want that to happen! M-Mom and Dad love me too much to forget me, and so do Rick and Stan. And I still have to save Dad!

Jigsaw: Do not fret, Sally, for this is where you'll have a chance to show your potential. As you have mentioned before, there is something that does make you stand out from the other Jedi: Your dancing skills. In your free time you like to move about, sing, put forth your natural energy to make something enjoyable. Where you fail in being a hardened warrior, you make up for it in tireless spirit. Dance is an outlet of that spirit, and thus it will be the focus of this trial.

Sally: My dancing is going to keep me around? Neat-o!

Jigsaw: Probably, but only if you can complete this task. You are to survive the upcoming challenges and gain the eye of all the audience. If you do these, then you may have a chance to actually mean s**t to anybody outside your inner circle of loved ones.

Sally: Alright, I'll do it! But what exactly are these challenges? And how does it involve me dancing?

Jigsaw: You'll see soon enough, but first: Wardrobe!

Sally: Hey—!

(Gets swamped by a flurry of clothes and dressing room curtains. Then we get a loading screen. After that we see Sally dressed as Ulala, snapping off some quick dance moves before being shown the interior walkway of some funky space cruise ship. She strolls along as groovy Space Channel 5 music plays)

Sally: (Still walking) Huh? Where am I now? And why am I walking like this?

(Chris' voice suddenly chimes in through some radio)

Chris: Oh God! They've come for me!

Sally: Uncle Chris? Is that you? What's going on?

Chris: I don't know! I just got tossed into this cramped room with TV monitors and a radio. I think they're gonna harvest my organs!

Sally: I don't know what's happening! My feet are moving on their own and I can't stop sashaying. Though I admit, I'm feeling real groovy in this outfit.

Chris: H******ll yeah you do, girl.

Sally: Uhhhhhh...

Chris: Wait, there's something in front of you!

Sally: Really? Aren't those...?

(Show two Reploids wiggling around in a bad dance, covered in a purple dance aura. It's Launch Octopus and Jet Stingray)

Both: The groooove's getting us!

(Four little black bots with red eyes and pointy antennae appear in a line before them. Twirling into being appears the ever slick stylish Shadow of Space Channel 5 Part 2. He busts some moves)

 **The bad guys:**

 **Unknown dance troupe**

Shadow: Watch me bust some moves! And copy me with no mistakes.

Chris: Mr. Gimp? You're in on this too?

Sally: I think I have to fight him.

Chris: Well then this sticky note on my crotch might help. "Follow his movements with the directional buttons…." Qué? Me no understanday.

Sally: Ooo, like Simon Says! I got this.

(Sally halts before Shadow as the music heats up)

Shadow: Whether you like it or not,

Both: Dance Battle!

Shadow: Get down!

Up! Up! Up!

Sally: Up! Up! Up!

Shadow: Down! Down! Down!

Sally: Down! Down! Down!

Shadow: Right! Left! Right! Left!

Sally: Right! Left! Right! Left!

(They do dance intermission)

Chris: Now you got to push the X button for some reason.

Shadow: Chu! Chu! Chu chu!

Sally: Chu! Chu! Chu chu!

Shadow: Chu! Chu! Chuuuuuu chu!

Sally: Chu! Chu! Chuuuuuu chu!

Shadow: Chuuuuu chu! Chu! Chu!

Sally: Chuuuuu chu! Chu! Chu!

(Dance intermission)

Chris: Look at you go!

Sally: Told you I got this!

Shadow: Up Down Up Down Chu chu chu!

Sally: Up Down Up Down Chu chu chu!

Shadow (Repeat but faster)

Sally: (Same)

Shadow: (Faster)

Sally: (Faster)

Shadow: Up Down Up Down Chuuuuu chu!

Sally: Up down up down chuuuuu chu!

(The little robots collapse and Shadow shakes his head in defeat)

Shadow: I think I like you.

(Disappears. The two captive Reploids are freed and teleport behind Sal)

Launch: Wow! You saved us!

Sally: Just like that?

Jet: Yep! Now victory dance!

(They dance and strike a pose, then continue forward to upbeat music)

Sally: Woo, that was pretty fun.

Chris: Yeah, and you looked real sensual down there, too.

Sally: Excuse me?

Chris: It's that guy again!

(Shadow is seen cowering away from the approaching three. Then he teleports into the air and hovers before some elevators, looking all boss as the music ramps up)

Chris: It says you have to hit the robots with the "X button beam". What the carp?

Sally: I'll figure it out.

(When they stop the two rescuees slide off)

Jet: We'll leave this to you, lady Sally.

Shadow: Ready for this?

(Sal busts out two little laser pistols)

Sally: Let's shoot'em up!

Shadow: Up! Chu! (Robots with glowing eyes appear in the elevators)

Sally: Up! Chu! (Robots get blasted)

Shadow: (Repeat)

Sally: (Repeat)

Shadow: Up! Chu! Chu! Chu!

Sally: Up! Chu! Chu! Chu!

(Dance break)

Chris: Use left and right, baby cakes!

Shadow: Left! Chu!

Sally: Left! Chu!

Shadow: Right! Chu!

Sally: Right! Chu!

Shadow: Left! Chu! Right! Chu!

Sally: Left! Chu! Right! Chu! (Dance break)

Chris: Now you need to rescue people with the O button. Lame…

Shadow: Up! Hey! Hey! (Reploids and Robot Masters appear as hostages)

Sally: Up! Hey! Hey! (They get saved by pink heart energy)

Shadow: Right! Hey! Hey!

Sally: Right! Hey! Hey!

Shadow: Left! Hey! Hey!

Sally: Left! Hey! Hey!

Shadow: Up! Chu! Chu! Chu!

Sally: Up! Chu! Chu! Chu!

(Dance break, but the rescued bots join her)

Chris: Check it out: Groupies!

Shadow: Left! Chu! Up! Hey!

Sally: (Repeat)

Shadow: Up! Chu! Right! Hey!

Sally: (Repeat)

Shadow: Right! Chu! Left! Hey!

Sally: (Repeat)

Shadow: Left chu! Up chu! Right chu!

Sally: (Repeat and another dance break)

Chris: You're so hot right now!

Shadow: Left chu chu!

Sally: Left chu chu!

Shadow: Right chu chu!

Sally: Right chu chu!

Shadow: Up…. Chu!

Sally: Up….. Chu!

(Shadow is hit with a shot, making him falter)

Shadow: I think I like you.

(Teleports)

Sally: I sent that loser packing! And look at all these people I saved!

Chris: Shake that tail for me, baby! (They dance and pose, then continue) Wow! You really got me perspiring here!

Sally: Can you stop being a creep, Uncle Chris? It's really bothering me.

Chris: I'm sorry, Sal baby, but the way you move those hips and the angles of your skimpy dress—

Launch: Hey, it's the commander! They got him!

(Standing behind Shadow and his robot posse is the dance-crazed Duff McWhalan)

Duff: So undignified!

Chris: Those b****rds! Show them pain, Sal!

Shadow: You should be taken seriously. Listen up! First our name...

Sally: What's with this guy?

All: Get down!

Shadow: _We are known as the Rhythm Rogues._

Chu! Chu! Chu!

Bosses: _We don't really give a f**k!_

Sally: Chu! Chu! Chu!

Shadow: _You can't keep us from dan-cing!_

Hey! Hey!

Bosses: _Knock him down a peg and break his legs!_

Sally: Hey! Hey!

(Dance break)

 **Rear admiral**

 **dancing silly**

Chris: Way to improv, guys!

Shadow: Up! Down down chu chu chu!

Sally: (Repeat)

Shadow: Right right left left chu chu chu!

Sally: (Repeat)

Shadow: Chu chu chu chu heyhey hey!

Sally: (Repeat, then dance break)

Chris: Oh god the way you move!

Shadow: Left! Left!

Sally: (Repeat)

Shadow: Right! Right!

Sally: (Repeat)

Shadow: Up! Down!

Sally: (Repeat)

Shadow: Chu! (Close up)

Sally: Chu!

Shadow: Hey!

Sally: Hey!

Shadow: Chu!

Sally: Chu!

Shadow: Hey!

Sally: Hey!

Shadow: (Does a quick groove) Chu!

Group: (Whole group does a move) Chu!

(The robots fall and Shadow leaves)

Duff: Oh thank you, Sally! I'm free! (Joins group)

Sally: I've saved Mr. McWhalan!

Chris: You're freakin' on fire! Do that sexy pose one more time!

(They all dance and do one major pose, then get to marching down to the doors at the end of the walkway, singing loudly and feeling themselves up)

Sally: W-what the heck?

Chris: That's it; feel yourself up. You know daddy likes it.

Sally: Oh my God Chris, quit being a perv already!

Chris: Not right now; my hands are a bit "full". Hold on… It's those robots again! And right as I was on the edge. Go blast those things already with the X button!

Sally: Sure, if you'll stop being gross.

(Robots appear before the door)

Robots: (Buh, buh buh buh buh) Chu! Chu! Chu!

Sally: Here we go! Chu! Chu! Chu! (Robots explode)

Chris: Great. Now say your line to go on to the next area.

Sally: (Turns to camera) "Stay tuned"? That's all I got to s—?

(Loading screen. After a while we see the group going up a conveyor belt before leaping off and landing in a round observation room to ominous music)

Sally: We're here; can we break for five Wait, is that—?

Shadow: Boss, sorry to keep you waiting. Over to you now!

(Screens around the room fill with a shadowy figuresilhouette man labeled only as "Lead Dancer: Mystery Conductor".)

 **Lead dancer, Some Dude**

Silhouette: About time you guys showed up. Yeow!

(Rising up on a center platform with microphones are a trio of large blue singing robots, who harmonize their entrance)

 **Singing Robot Mecha 01**

 **Kin Kon Kan**

Sally: Are you serious?

Chris: A boss! Quick! Time to turn your ratings into stars. Mess up and you die, so no pressure.

Sally: Gee, thanks! Well, since I've got no other choice.

Duff: You certainly don't.

Sally: Let's boogey!

Silhouette: _I play the Purge!_

Bots: Chu!

Bosses: _That movie was such a letdooooown._

Sally: Chu!

Silhouette: _I'll make you b***hes dance for me!_

Bots: Down!

Bosses: _Like we've never heard that before._

Sally: Down!

(The mecha bots short out briefly as the group stomp dances)

Silhouette: Ooooh, nice comeback, guys!

Bots: Right! Right!

Sally: (Repeat)

Bots: Left! Left!

Sally: (Repeat)

Bots: Chu! Chu!

Sally: (Repeat)

Bots: Chu! Up!

Sally: Chu! Up!

(Bots short out again and more dancing)

Silhouette: C'mon, guys! Show some hustle!

Bots: Down! Down!

Silhouette: _Sweet, sly, sexy that's me!_

Sally: Down! Down!

Chris: _Not nearly as much as my Sally babe!_

Bots: Down! Down!

Silhouette: _You got some moves, don't ya sweets!_

Sally: Down! Down!

Chris: _You a-hole quit stealing my lines!_

Bots: Down! Down! Up! Up! Chu! Chu! Down!

Sally: (Repeat. This time the bots collapse and deactivate)

Silhouette: Czechnia!

Sally: Phew, guess that finished them. Wait, what?!

(The bots get back up and reveal missile launchers in their mouths)

Sally: Guess that's round two! (Music starts back up and she takes out her pistols) Let's shoot!

Bots: Left! Chu! Right! Chu!

Sally: (Repeat)

Silhouette: _C'mon, do it!_

Bots: Up!

Silhouette: _I dunno about that!_

Bots: Chu!

Chris: _Yeah Sally!_

Sally: Up!

Chris: _Go Go!_

Sally: Chu!

(Bots wig out again as our heroes stomp on)

Bots: Right chu left chu up! Chu!

Sally: (Repeat)

Bots: Left chu right chu up! Chu!

Sally: (Repeat)

(Bots wig out big time and one final stomp routine)

Chris: You got them by the motor shafts now!

Silhouette: _Get ready for this one!_

Bot: Up! Chu!

Chris: _Let's go_ _—_

All: _Sal-ly!_

Sally: Up! Chu!

Bots: Up! Up! Up chu!

Sally: (Repeat)

Silhouette: _You all suck a**!_

Bots: Up up chu!

All: _Well f*****k you!_

Sally: Up up chu!

Bots: RightrightrightleftleftleftupupupCHU!

Sally: RightrightrightleftleftleftupupupCHU!

(The robots break apart and light fills the room as soft music plays)

Silhouette: You can really raise the roof! Catch ya on the flip, sexy scales!

(The screens explode)

Launch: Yeah you better blow up! So satisfying seeing it happen to someone other than us for a change, y'know?

Sally: (To camera) This has been Sally, and we're grooving up out of here! (Makes air symbol) Spaaaaace, Channel 5!

 _ **Sally's swingin' dance debut**_

(She begins to strut off followed by the others, including the robots, as "Mexican Flyer" plays them out. When it stops, everything goes dark)

Chris: And that's a wrap! (Zipper noise)

* * *

(We now switch to a spacious office of the typical amenities befitting a talent agent like a bookcase, plaques, nice large desk, trophy rack and mahogany paneling. Sally is standing nervous before the desk, behind which a talent agent is intently reading her performance reviews. His face is covered by the paperwork he flips and shuffles through)

Agent: Mm-hmm... Uh-huh… Hmmm… Yes… 100% viewer rating. Congrats: You were a smash.

Sally: Really?

Agent: Absolutely. That perkiness, the fluidity in your moves, the way you flashed those chompers. You had the audience lingering on every sway in your step. Nothing short of phenomenal if I'm being real honest. I mean pure dynamite, wow! You definitely have a future in music entertainment, which may hopefully include a stopover in this agency.

Sally: (Exhales with relief) That's so great to hear. I mean, I didn't feel like I was in control of my own steps. But I'm flattered you think that highly of me.

Agent: Don't go selling yourself short. That was your innate talent taking control of your legs, simple as that. I tell ya you're a natural, darling. And since you did a beyond fantastic job raking in these views, I say a special gift is in order.

Sally: A gift?

Man: Just give me a second. (Presses button on an intercom) Christine, send him in. (To Sally) You'll get a kick out of this.

(Walking in nonchalantly through the door behind Sally appears… Squishy?!)

Squishy: It real cramped back there.

Sally: (Ecstatically overjoyed) DADDY!

Squishy: Huh? Sal, sweetie! Gosh it's been way too long; I tell ya it's been heck without you guys. Come on; I bet your mother and the rest are wai—

(His entire left side explodes in a great visceral burst. Blood and entrails fly out and splatter the interior of the office, including Sally. Time slows as she stares in immense horror and shock, mouth agape at seeing the falling remains of her father, which hits the carpet with a wet thump. "Celes" from FFVI starts to play)

Sally: (Utterly pale) Dad? D-Dad…? N, N, N… No...

(Takes one heavy step forward, then rushes and falls down into the blood pool by the corpse's side)

Sally: (Hysterical) This, this isn't... No no no please say something! (Grabs remains of her father, getting blood on her claws) S-Say something! Tell me you're alright, that we're gonna leave together, COME ON DAD SAY SOMETHING PLEASE! Don't-don't-don't, not when I just f-f-f-found you, eggghh, Not Again! NOT AGAIN PLEEEEASE!

(Sal hugs the corpse tighter, smearing gore all over herself as she breaks down into wretched, bitter crying. The agent simply sits back and watches this terrible outcome play out)

Agent: What can I say, kid? Horrible things happen to the ones we love, completely out of our control most of the time. (Stands up) And in my experience in the business, a tragedy such as this can destroy a rising star. Shatter their wings beyond recovery, so that they may never soar again. (Reaches into desk drawer) It really tears me up every time it happens. And it never gets easier when it does. (Pulls out gun, then begins walking over to the grief-stricken daughter) Seeing them wilt, fading and dying out, emotionally and then physically. (Stops by her) Personally I find it more merciful to put them down before their very souls wither to dust. (Raises gun, aiming at her head) At least you got a taste of stardom before the end, doll.

(The hammer is cocked, silencing everything but a lone heartbeat. Sally's eyes open, then suddenly in a flash her right arm slashes out and severs the agent's head from his body. The head goes a distance before bouncing onto the floor. It rolls for a few feet, stopping to reveal the eerie porcelain face of Jigsaw. It emits its signature cackle while Sally remains still, head down and tears still rolling down her scales)

 _A most excellent response. Proof that the will to survive can cut through the burden of despair._

Sally: …

 _Shed no more tears, Sally. You have made your father proud with that display._

(The corpse breaks up into nothing, and so does the office and the gore on Sally. She is left half laying on the ground surrounded by darkness)

 _What you just experienced was a test: To show your determination to live. It is one thing to have talent and influence to prove one's worth. But they matter little if there isn't a driving spirit behind it all. The raw essence deep in your subconscious that screams out "I want to keep living". In that moment, Sally, you've shown that utter refusal to give in and die, even when all seemed lost It's that aggressive desire to live which I've sought to draw out from all those ungrateful souls through my work, and you let it show without second thought._

 _That determination alone demands a right to exist, and therefore you have earned your place in this universe, along with my blessings._

(A portal opens nearby, but Sally just remains there)

Sally: ….

 _I can see you don't trust me, and I understand. The shock will wear off eventually, once you are back in the company of friends and loved ones. It was a bit extreme what I did to you, I admit, but it was for your own benefit. And besides, don't you feel just a little more alive?_

Sally: …..Sure.

(Slowly gets up, then goes through the portal. Darkness, save for one idling observer)

 ** _Man… You gotta loosen up quick, babe!_**

 **End Trial**


	10. Stan's Trial

**The Trial**

 **of**

 **Stanley Jaa-Ruuk**

(He's flying downwards through an endless cave lined with shiny crystals, a cold wind gently passing his scales. Calm yet uncertain)

 _Hello Stanley. You are different, you realize? One of two male offspring conceived by Sylvia Ssi-Ruuk and Squishy the Jawa. A most unnatural selection, downright impossible in any other universe. Along with that, you seemed to lack any defining skills or characteristics to make you truly stand out. It appeared you were on a set course to obscurity and total erasure from human memory._

 _But something happened. Something unexpected… Unforeseeable..._

Stan: What?

 _You fought. Months ago, you faced the harbinger of Death with immense fire in your soul. Though you ultimately lost the fight, you still sought retribution regardless of your safety. You turned from an extra to tragic hotblooded hero in an instant. An event that demands reconsideration of your worth in a more positive light._

 _Yet I can't be too hasty. There's still something that bothers me about you._

Stan: What's that?

 _Despite sudden flash of defiance in the face of death, you still cling to your old behaviors. You continue to hesitate, act cowardly, and play the buffoon, purposely marking yourself as the weaker of your siblings. By my reckoning, these are all symptoms of self-confidence issues. When not filled with rage and vengeance, you play the role of comic relief a majority of the time. A simple, uncomplicated one you can easily coast through. One which is already in overabundance in your universe._

Stan: Uh-huh. Your point?

 _This complacent attitude severely inhibits your potential. Drastic measures are needed to address it while there's still hope for you. Therefore, rather than testing your strengths first, you will confront your weakness head on, and hopefully regain that determined mentality. The question is, can you overcome that which is yourself? Put in the effort to improve, or remain idle and wither: Make your choice. Let the games begin._

(Things go black. Now Stan is in some decrepit old room of wood planks and shingles. It's cold and the furniture is either really old or torn up. There are holes in the walls and floor)

Stan: Where am I now?

(A sparkling new phonograph turns on nearby)

Jigsaw: This is your wake-up call, Stan: The time to prove yourself. Over by the open window is a sniper rifle. Pick it up.

(Stan hesitantly goes over to the window and picks up the rifle. It has a wood stock and an old-fashion scope on it)

Jigsaw: Now, look out the window.

(He looks out the window and beholds a great gray city square. It is in the shape of a rotunda beneath an overcast sky of gray. Around the square are many tall and squat buildings of various ages, but the one directly across from Stans' looks like a great temple/fortress. Hanging on pillared sides are banners of red with some strange black cross in a white circle. Gathered before the steps of the building is a great gathering of people, and rolling up to the steps is a black limo with miniature flags of the strange cross)

Jigsaw: The man in the limousine will bring untold suffering to countless people. This is your chance to stop all that, and be a hero to all. Hesitate, and you will fail. Viva La Resistánce.

(Someone steps out of the limo. Stan brings up the rifle and looks through the scope. In his sights is a short man in a brown coat and cap with dark hair and a bizarrely small mustache. He is smiling and shaking hands with members of the crowd)

Stan: Him? He doesn't look bad. What exactly is it that he will do?

Jigsaw: No time for questions. Take the shot.

(Stan brings up the rifle again. The man is now kissing a baby and hugging people. Stan shakes and taps the trigger a bit. After a while the man nears the top of the steps, but Stan drops the rifle and sighs)

Stan: I can't do it. Not without knowing why he deserves a bullet to the—

 _ **FAIL!**_

(The building Stan's in collapses to pieces, sending Stan falling and yelling to a horribly jagged death)

* * *

(He opens his eyes to find himself intact. Also, he's wearing Western wear in some desert town)

Stan: Huh? What just happened?

(A tumbleweed talks)

Jigsaw: You failed by hesitating. But here's another chance: Defend yourself from the bandit. Shoot first or else.

Stan: What?

(A bandito appears before him)

Bandit: Alright, slim! I'm calling you out!

Stan: Wait! Can we talk about t— (Gets shot in the chest) Gack! (Clutches wound, falling over losing consciousness)

 _ **FAIL!**_

(Stan dies)

* * *

(He's now on a boat motoring for some war-torn beach)

Stan: Oh what now? Oh god, getting sick….

Jigsaw: Twice now needlessly complicate things. Let's try again. You're in the midst of battle, and your boat can win the war. Steer it to shore to survive.

Stan: Hold on, I don't know how to drive a boat! (Hits a sea mine)

 _ **FAIL!**_

(There is a massive watery explosion)

* * *

(He's now running across a large green field dribbling a ball with his feet)

Stan: Huh!?

Jigsaw: This is your big night. Score the winning goal. Make your motherland proud.

Stan: Hold on a—!

(Gets tripped up by some guy, making him knock the ball off into the stadium. When he gets up another guy runs his whole shin up between his legs with immense force)

 _ **FAIL!**_

(His head explodes from the pain overload)

* * *

(Now he stands before an orchestra)

Jigsaw: Conduct as if your life depended on it.

Stan: Uhh… Okay…

(Waves a baton but creates discord among the musicians. He's pelted by vegetables and gets a carrot through his skull)

 _ **FAIL!**_

(Falls into crowd below)

* * *

(He's in a fighter jet)

Jigsaw: Shoot down the enemy pilots.

Stan: Wait! Which one's are the enemy!? (Gets riddled with bullets)

 _ **FAIL!**_

(Jet explodes)

* * *

(He's in a classroom)

Jigsaw: Make a fart noise and disrupt the class.

Stan: But that's rude.

(Gets ruler through the head)

 _ **FAIL!**_

* * *

(He's in a diving chamber)

Jigsaw: Push the button.

Stan: Why?

(A shark eats him)

 _ **FAIL!**_

* * *

(He's ice skating)

Jigsaw: Do a triple lindy.

(Stan tries but flops and a spotlight falls and crushes him)

 _ **FAIL!**_

* * *

(He has his claws out before some Asian guy)

Jigsaw: Avoid getting slapped.

Stan: Huh? (The Asian guy slaps his claws, ripping them off creating blood fountains) EEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA— (Head gets sliced off)

 _ **FAIL! YOU FAIL!**_

* * *

(He's in the desert squatting next to a land mine)

Jigsaw: Deactivate or die.

Stan: Okay! (Gets to work) Hey, this won't take long.

Terrorist: Praise Allah! (Jumps on mine, detonating it)

 _ **FAIL!**_

* * *

(He's standing next to some guy lying on the ground)

Jigsaw: Finish off the SPARTAN.

Stan: But why? He looks pretty dead.

(The guy sticks a sign to him which reads "I ripped this flash." Stan's whole body becomes covered in laser pointers)

Stan: Hey, what the— HOLY S***T! (Gets sprayed with gunfire)

 _ **FAIL FAIL FAIL!**_

(Body hits ground in pool of blood)

* * *

(He's on a golf course)

Jigsaw: Hit the ball.

(Stan swings the club, misses, and gets struck by lightning)

 _ **FAIL!**_

* * *

(He's in a guillotine)

Jigsaw: Spinach.

Stan: Fruit! (Gets decapitated)

 _ **FAIL!**_

* * *

(He's on a diving board)

Jigsaw: Jump.

Stan: But it's so deep. (Gets run over by a car)

 _ **FAIL!**_

* * *

(He's in a kitchen)

Jigsaw: Ready the oven.

Stan: Fine. (Turns knob) Wait, what am I cooking again? (There's a supernova)

 _ **FAIL!**_

* * *

(Now he's in the stadium from Gitaroo-Man. He's dressed like him before a packed audience)

Jigsaw: Last chance. Play the tune to soothe the masses.

(Stan takes the gitaroo and tries to play, but hits a real sour note. The whole place erupts in boos)

 _ **FAIL!**_

 _ **FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL**_

 _ **FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL**_

 _ **FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL**_

 _ **FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL**_

 _ **FAAAIL!**_

(Stan grabs his head as the world revolves around him, bombarded by the boos and incessant fails, spinning faster and faster until)

Stan: STOP IIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

?: Or what? Is wittle baby gonna cwry?

(Descending on a floating platform comes Zowie in his battle armor)

Zowie: Hff! You're worthless! You just keep holding back and asking questions, never acting on anything. You're no use to anyone!

Stan: Shut up! Stop talking or I'll—!

Zowie: What'd you say, punk? Was that a threat? Ha! Your hesitant self can never intimidate anyone, much less someone like me. Not even in— (Close up) Never-ending. Eeeeternity.

Stan: You, youuu!

Zowie: So tell me: What can you do?

Stan: I can do it!

Zowie: What: Defeat me?

Stan: If that's what it takes to clear this trial!

Zowie: Not in a million years!

Stan: I so can!

Zowie: You can't do squat!

Stan: If you'd just let me do it already!

Zowie: You're pathetic!

Stan: No!

Zowie: Always running.

Stan: No!

Zowie: Always failing.

Stan: No!

Zowie: Failing all things.

Stan: No!

Zowie: A real f**k-up!

Stan: Shut up! (Starts to glow) I'm getting sick of you dissing me!

Zowie: The baby cries again, I see.

Stan: Quit calling me that!

Zowie: Or what?

Stan: I'll, I'll mess you up!

Zowie: Liar! You can't do jack s***!

Stan: Yes I can!

Zowie: No you can't!

Stan: Yes, I, can!

Zowie: You're bluffing!

Stan: I will do it!

Zowie: You're stalling!

Stan: I will do it!

Zowie: Then show me what you got!

Stan: You asked for it!

Zowie: Have I? Are you finally going to do something?

Stan: YES! (Gains a flaming aura)

Zowie: What makes you think you can?!

Stan: I can do it because—

Zowie: What is it?!

Stan: I can do it because—

Zowie: Why, you little b***h? What makes you think you can do it?

Stan: Because, because, because—

Zowie: Say it!

Stan: Because, because— (Floating up)

Zowie: Say it: Because WHAT?!

Stan: Because…. Because… Because…. (Snap) Because I'm STANLEY JAA-RUUUUUUUK!

(In a great blast of light the world becomes a trippy realm of swirling red, yellow and orange. Stan has donned a skintight trash bag suit with an enraged look as he floats. All around him dozens of short old Asian mean in yellow robes drop in. A flaming head comes up to Stan)

Mugatu: Then prove your worth by KILLING THE PRIME MINISTER OF MALAYSIA!

Stan: HEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!:c:c:c!

(Stan flies at the men as "Bounty Hunter" from Advent Rising plays. He goes primal and nuclear, outright tearing open a fuel tanker of whoop-a**, going kung-fu on the little ministers with kicks and punches that send them flying apart in pieces. He grabs onto them, snapping their necks and swinging through a multitude of them just to repeat the same murderous action. At one point he tears off one guys head and tosses it with enough force to punch a hole through four others. He eventually taps into his inner Force powers, radiating kinetic waves that send peeps flying and the blood raining down. With the power of repressed frustration being unleashed he kicks people in half, rams them through one another and so on, until everyone has been reduced to chunky salsa. With the music gone and the colors of the realm fading, Stan stands alone amidst the carnage, his wardrobe splattered in blood and gore. He breathes heavily, opening and closing his claws and salivating from simmering fury)

Stan: I'm… not... WORTHLESS!

(He rears back and gives off a tremendous roar like a T-Rex on steroids. All reality wavers and ripples around him as he continues to roar a roar of primeval power, liberation, and triumph. When he finishes, all goes quiets. Stan exudes a coolness never before seen. Suddenly a ball of light appears in the air before him, which hovers a bit before making a few circles in a loop and then zeroing in on Stan, which he absorbs)

 **You have gained the vocals of** **Chester Bennington**

(As Stan looks at his claws, reveling in his victory, the area dims into pure darkness)

 _Well done; you pulled through. I had a feeling you were gonna make it._

Stan: Yeah. That was… unreal. Even though it got aggravating toward the end, just doing all that. So freakishly empowering.

 _You have broken through your hesitance at last and gave in to the violent warrior within. Reluctance no longer has full control over you. The world is your oyster._

Stan: Oh man… Is this what Rick felt when he killed all those people? No no, he was mind-controlled. Just gotta keep my head. (Deep breath) Woo, it's so weird...

 _Maintain your focus, young Stanley. There's still one final task to complete before you can stake your claim in the universe. Channel this newfound energy and leave a lasting impression. Show them that you're more than raw might. Make the viewers scream with your message. This is your victory lap; set it aflame..._

* * *

(Music starts to play, and we're in a music video depicting the events of the 8th trilogy. Stan is dressed as the lead singer of Linkin Park)

 _Mem-or-ies con-sume_

 _Like opening the wound;_

 _I'm picking me apart again….._

 _You, all, as-sume_

 _I'm safe here in my room,_

 _Unless I try to start again._

 _I don't want to be the one,_

 _The battles always choose._

 _Cuz inside, I realize,_

 _That I'm the one confused._

 _I don't know what's worth fighting for or_

 _Why I have to scream!_ (Shows Steezy getting bashed by Financer)

 _I don't know why I instigate and_

 _Say what I don't mean!_

 _I don't know how I got this way;_

 _I know it's not alright._

 _So I'm Breeea-king the Haaaaa-bit!_

 _I'm Breeeeea-king the Haaaaaa-bit,_

 _Tonight!_

(Jawa Home hits Mon Calamari, and in the resulting explosion)

 _Clutch-ing my cure…_ (The Jedi in bad moods)

 _I tightly lock the door;_

 _I try to catch my breath again…_

 _I, hurt, much, more,_

 _Than anytime before._

 _I have no options left again._

 _I don't want to be the one, (Republic fleet approaches Financer)_

 _The battles always choose._

 _Cuz inside, I realize,_

 _That I'm the one confused._

 _I don't know what's worth fighting for or_ (Financer decimates fleet)

 _Why I have to scream!_

 _I don't know why I instigate and_

 _Say what I don't mean!_

 _I don't know how I got this way;_

 _I'll never be alright._

 _So I'm Breeeeea-king the Haaaaaa-bit!_

 _I'm Breeeeeea-king the Haaaaaa-bit,_

 _Tonight!_

 _I'll paint it on the Waaaaaalls!_

 _Cuz I'm the one at Faaaaaaaault!_ (Faces off with shadowy Financer)

 _I'll never fight Agaaaaaaaain!_

 _And this is how it EEEEeeeends!_

 _I don't know what's worth fighting for or_ (Fight in air)

 _Why I have to scream!_

 _But now I have some clarity to_

 _Show you what I mean!_

 _I don't know how I got this way;_

 _I'll never be alright._ (Great spinning clock behind Stan)

 _So I'm Breeeeeea-king the Haaaaaaaaaa-bit!_

 _I'm Breeeeeeeea-king the Haaaaaaaa-bit!_

 _I'm Breeeeeeeeeea-king The Haaaaaaaaaaa-bit!_

 _TONIGHT!_

(The music winds down and Stan is left standing in darkness. As he turns, he stops to find a billowy shade some yards before him in the shape of a man. A man that wore a familiar pair of glasses, a familiar coat, and a familiarly malevolent smile)

Shade: Nice set of pipes there, Stanny Boy. Definitely gives you a _leg-up_. Bet it feels real _great_ tearing into "me" and a bunch of unarmed civilians in an enclosed space, detached from consequences and moral integrity. (With scorn) No doubt refreshing, giving in to the mindless animal inside.

(Stan hesitates but a microsecond, then begins walking purposely in the direction of the sneering shade)

Shade: While it's a nice break from your usual meek sniveling self, can you honestly say this more "raw" side of you can overtake me? One thing to face "me" in a music video, but what about in real life? Could you really beat me in a rematch? Or will it just play out the same, even down to the whimpering finale?

(Stan stops beside the shade, looking at him)

Stan:...Even if it does play out the same, you won't get the satisfaction of hearing me scream. Ever again. (Resumes walking)

Shade: Tch. We'll see how that holds up. _Should_ we meet again, that is.

(Stan keeps walking straight into a portal that swallows him away, leaving the shade to dissipate)

 **End Trial**


	11. Rick's Trial

**The Trial**

 **of**

 **Richter Jaa-Ruuk**

 _Hello Richter. Within your tight-knit family you have considered yourself the big brother of your siblings, even though you're triplets born at the same clandestine time. But one thing is certain: You're the most different. Not just in your appearance, but also in attitude. You behave more seriously, and you hold within you feelings of a darker nature some may see as unbecoming of a Jedi. And unlike your siblings, you never hesitate in delivering the killing blow. But there is great power and potential that can be obtained from these traits. The question is, whether you can strike the right balance to achieve legitimate greatness, or burn away. This test will decide which of these you are._

(We pass several pillars within a great shadowy hallway of marble)

 _There is a fiend lurking within these dark corridors, one that believes itself shunned by society. It is a creature capable of great malice, that lashes out at others due to confusion and pride. You are to suppress this creature so it can do no further harm. Be cautious of its strikes, and be wary of the methods you choose. Otherwise… you may not relish the outcome. Let the game begin._

(We stop to see Rick standing between two pillars. After looking glancing about, he walks forward cautiously. His clawed feet tap the unseen floor tiles, creating a soothing echo in the emptiness. Some movement catches the corner of his eye, but when he looks over there is nothing. A fluttering of robes rises close to him, making him spin around to his left. Silence. After a moment he continues on. Something hunched creeps a distance behind him, moving from pillar to pillar with nary a sound. The specter is behind Rick and makes a slow approach to strike. Rick takes quick note of an unsheathing sound and leaps left to dodge the swipe. He cartwheels and slides to a stop. The looks at his assailant, seeing it as some hulking hooded robed figure with large claws. He couldn't get in any more details as the thing lunged at him, swiping those claws at his face. A back jerk saves him, and a back hop gets him away from a follow-up swipe. At this point he draws and ignites his lightsaber.)

Rick: Come on!

(He holds a stance, waiting for his opponent to make a move, which it does with lightning-quick ferocity. Rick ducks and pushes himself into the creature's chest, using its momentum to toss it over his back. The thing lands clumsily on its feet, and during its stagger Rick charges with saber drawn. As the beast turns, Rick plunges his saber into the center of its chest, eliciting a choking growl before it goes still. Drawing his weapon back, Rick watched his foe fall back and hit the ground dead, its hood coming off to reveal... Himself?!)

Rick: What?!

(Pain instantly fills his body right before he erupts into billions of smoky particles that fade away)

* * *

(Grogginess hits him like a train as he wakes up. It steadily fades as light returns to his vision)

Rick: Uhhhhh... What… What just happened?

(He's lying on his back, with a darkened, cracked stone ceiling over him. Occasionally an ethereal blob of blue and yellow light flits lazily by, letting out sad, quiet moans)

Rick: Is this—?

(He shifts himself and sits up with his legs dangling off the slab. As he's about to hop down)

 _Another lost soul has entered this house of forsaken dead._

(The voice is heavy, mournful, like a speaker at a wake)

 _Snuffed out, at the prime of youth. What misfortune..._

(Rick turns his head slowly to the right, seeing the shadowy figure standing a ways from his resting spot. The figure leans over in his direction, looking down upon him)

Figure: You are awake, Richter.

Rick: (Lifting his head) Who are you?

Figure: An observer of sorts. Watching the struggles of those who cling to life, counting the minutes before they inevitably succumb to the sweet succor of despair.

Rick:...Jigsaw?

Figure: (Backing away) No. You may call me Trey, although names and titles ultimately serve little importance here.

(Rick places his palms on cold flat rock and pushes himself up. However, he finds that the act of sitting up is strenuous, as though a heavy weight is on him, sucking up most of his energy. He manages to sit upright and swivel about, letting his legs hang off the edge of the slab he's on. A cursory look shows he is in a sealed room in some decrepit ruins, with rubble all around the place and those gaseous spirits hovering about)

Rick: Am I back in Zanarkand?

Trey: A replica, set apart from all other things material. A fittingly melancholy setting for what has transpired.

Rick: (Realization) You mean…?

Trey: You fell for the path of least resistance. You severed your own life, and as a result doomed the rest of your companions to total failure and unending torment. A disappointing end to a valiant excursion, all due to one impulsive act.

(Richter's head sinks, his neck bearing more strain from the invisible wait)

Trey: Do you feel anger, young Richter? Betrayal over this cruel set-up?

Rick: No. It's not the first time I've died, and this was considerably less painful. Still, it's my fault for falling for something so obvious. And now Mom, Sally, everyone… I let them down again.

Trey: Ahhhh, regret. A fine conduit for sadness.

Rick: Huh?

Trey: Most don't consider the intricacies that go into a good tragedy. It isn't merely about the despair that it produces. It's also the ambition, apathy, good intentions gone awry that go into birthing it. Such elements embed the event deeply into living memory to serve as a warning to others who are just as susceptible. More importantly, a successful tragedy leaves a lingering sadness which can provide solace in a chaotic universe. A port of despair in the storm-ridden sea of life.

Rick: You some kind of despair junkie?

Trey: Sadness and despair can grant perspective when it comes to understanding things as well. Particularly when it comes to understanding the kind of being _you_ are.

Rick: Me?

Trey: You had the makings of a tragic character: Born with a different appearance from your siblings, later adopting views more stark than those of your closest kin. You had even become a key antagonist.

Rick: (After a pause) I might have once said it was only because the Contractor corrupted me, but that was only part of it. I was just resentful of my appearance and how others would perceive it, plain and simple. I acted accordingly, and people suffered greatly as a result.

Trey: You have matured much in so little time.

Rick: Seeing your loved ones die, as well as dying yourself, can do that to a person.

Trey: Quite. But as for your transgressions, are they the reason you remain so serious in your bearing?

Rick: (Sighs) My serious nature started as a way to hide my insecurities, putting the blame on how little everyone else cared about the nerd "problem". Now I behave seriously so I can think my actions through. Sort of a means of making amends so I don't end up cutting down someone recklessly again.

Trey: And yet here you are.

Rick:…

Trey: (Mournful chuckle) Even with your past experiences and realizations, you are still young, and the youth are always prone to mistakes. But now I'm curious: Exactly what is it that you insist on hiding from the world with that hood?

(Rick sits quiet for some moments, then shrugs)

Rick: Not like there's any point now.

(He brings up a claw and pulls back his hood, feeling more of the chill air of the dead room. Even though it was blanked out in shadow, Rick felt the man was giving him a smirk)

Trey: Quite the juxtaposition.

Rick: I used to hate this, but in the past year I've come to be okay with it.

Trey: Then why continue to hide it, if I may ask?

Rick: I didn't feel ready. (Putting hood back up) Wearing this hood, it's my identity. A connection with my heritage that I want everyone to know just by looking at me. Not out of shame, but pride. Maybe later I'd have become comfortable about having it off, but… that won't be happening.

Trey: If only others were so fortunate to have such clear personal understanding at this early stage in life.

Rick: Like it matters now. I don't even know why I'm saying all this to you.

Trey: Sadness also has the benefit of making you stop caring about upholding an image, which can be good in certain instances. Therapeutic, in yours.

Rick: So I'm burdened with sadness. I suppose all this talking will ease me into the afterlife in that case.

Trey: Yes. That is, if you were indeed going there.

Rick: What?

Trey: Mistakes like the one you made are typically irreversible, but I have the means to place you back before it occurred. A second chance to do it over, if you will.

Rick: But, I failed the trial: Jigsaw somehow did me in. I don't know how omnipotent he is, but I don't think he'd let a do-over like that slide.

Trey: The machinations of that object are of no trifle to me. Within this space, I decide what sad souls may come and go.

Rick: Why are you doing this for me, Trey?

Trey: When I said you had the makings of a tragic hero, I had hoped to reap a truly sad, bitter tragedy from you. But with the future decided as it is now, that's no longer possible. In a sense, I am honoring that far-gone prospect by aiding you. A bittersweet leftover I find somewhat palatable.

Rick: What did you mean by the future being determined?

Trey: It is irrelevant, troubled one, as is everything else that has been spoken in this place. You must focus on preserving the present that is to be restored, for both you and your colleagues.

Rick: (A pause, then) I'm not sure what to say. This has been… unusual. But, unlike most other moments of weirdness, this has been helpful. So… thank you, I guess.

Trey: You are welcome. Now while the words borne within this tomb are not to be remembered, take heart in the knowledge that your spirit will remember the honesty you displayed here.

Rick: Good to know. Still can't believe I revealed my face to a total stranger, though.

Trey: Revelations can come about in most unexpected, peculiar environs.

(The man gives a light chuckle, as the light in the room begins to fade)

Trey: Follow the wisdom of your heart, the bearings of your soul, and fret not, Richter: Your secret will remain safe with me.

(Everything goes dark)

* * *

(Richter finds himself back in the marble corridor, and immediately hears the telltale unsheathing noise. He cartwheels to the left to avoid the killing swipe, turns about then hops backward to avoid the follow-up swipe. Upon landing he brings out his lightsaber, but says nothing as he stares down his robed assailant. The beast comes charging, and Richter pushes into its front to throw it over. With the creature staggering, Richter goes running with saber held out. Once he reaches his opponent, he grabs hold of the creature's robe with his free claw and brings the tip of his lightsaber into the confines of its hood, mere inches from its face. The creature jerks to try to get free, but Richter holds him tight, staring hard into its eyes)

Rick: Enough. (Swallows, shakily) Please…

(After a tense moment, the creature goes limp, the glow in his eyes telling all. Richter lets him go and steps back, allowing the two to see one another in their entirety. The misguided youth fades away, as do the pillars and the corridor. Richter stands alone in darkness)

 _Congratulations: You have succeeded in your trial. While it's easy to begrudge and despise one's faults, it takes considerable self-control and introspection to understand and manage such faults with utmost civility. You have grown considerably in your relatively short life, it seems._

Rick: Well, I had a few wake-up calls. (Powers off lightsaber)

 _No doubt brought about by those closest to you, who are waiting at this moment. Go to them, but be warned that it's also just as easy to forget hard lessons learned in times of frustration or euphoria. Even the man struck by lightning may again dance carefree in the thunderstorm._

Rick: (Bows head slightly, then with firm look) Not me.

(A portal door opens, and Richter leaves yet another dark realm in hopes of rejoining the light with all his friends)

 _ **A fine recovery, dear Richter. Tread ever forward with heavy, but thoughtful steps. And know that sorrow can balm a weary soul.**_

 **End Trial**


	12. Sylvia's Trial

**The Trial**

 **of**

 **Sylvia Ssi-Ruuk**

(A darkened space. Standing alone, the reptilian looks around her inky black confines)

Sylvia: Hello?

(She begins moving forward, her foot claws tapping on solid darkness as she scans for… something. But as she moves along, something slinks and sinks along, eyeing her from the endless shadows, creeping up on her. Sylvia steps on a bulging lump of smoke, which suddenly erupts and spreads out into bars that rise and connect around the Ssi-Ruuk)

Sylvia: Gasp!

?: Back to where we were, eh my dear?

(Unfurling from the black before her materialized the solid shadowy outline of her tormentor Financer, completely featureless save for his bespectacled eyes and menacing smile)

Sylvia: Y-You?!

Fin: Took me longer than expected to get back, yet here I find you waiting for me. You are truly considerate.

Sylvia: Wait, I remember now. Before, it was just like this, but... how are you here? Are _you_ supposed to be the trial?

Fin: A trial you say? Well that's just perfect. That means no one's going to bother us until you win or fail. And as I said before: (Starts approaching menacingly) I can make you suffer for a _veeeeeery_ long time.

(Sylvia grabs at the bars, but pulls back as the dark coating flares up like flames. Financer chuckles to himself when he gets a foot before the cage)

Fin: Yes, do struggle for me. There's going to no interruptions this time around, so go on: Let me savor your mounting despair.

(Financer seemingly grows as he looms before the smoky bars. Sylvia stands firm, but quivers)

Fin: No tough talk? Guess that means you finally know your place. But I'm not satisfied. (Grabs and rattles the bars) I want to hear you beg, to cry out to the darkness for your pwecious wittle husband to give you strength and courage and all that fine sappy s***! I want to hear you call out to the very purpose of your existence, because without him you have no relevance, no point! Tell me that I'm wrong! Substantiate your denial with futile words and crocodile tears!

(Sylvia remains silent, lowering her head and shuddering)

Fin: Ahhh, it's settling in. A little disappointing, but hardly surprising. Guess I'll make do with regular physical torture. (Reaches out left hand and plants it on Sylvia's shoulder, covering it in darkness) At least the agonizing pain will give you some semblance of being an actual living breathing person. Like something that can _actually_ _feel_.

(A claw grips his arm)

Sylvia: Get your hand off of me.

(There's a sharp rip, and looking down the Financer cries and stumbles back at seeing his arm and much of his shoulder has been torn off, allowing some viscous fluid of dark muted colors to pour from his side like oil. As he's freaking out, he looks forward to see Sylvia gripping the bars of her cage, however the darkness around her claws dissipate after a second, and with great exertion she breaks the bars away, causing the whole cage to evaporate like smoke)

Sylvia: I've been through enough of your "despair", been in enough darkness. You took away all that was dear to me and laughed in my face all the while. I _had_ come close to giving up, but all your yammering about me being weak and worthless has lost its effect. You're not filling me with hopelessness, but _annoyance_ and _anger_. And can't exactly gloat when you don't have the upper _hand!_

(She begins stomping toward the withering shadow)

Fin: H-H-H-How?! There is no one with you! You're just a trophy wife! A fetish! _An Object!_

Sylvia: _I_ am a mother. A Jedi. The descendant of warriors. Someone who sees you for the braying jackass that you are. And something of immediate distinction: An apex predator looking at her _prey_. (Grabs hold of Financer, baring her razor-sharp teeth) Squishy got to finish you off last time, so now it's my turn. _Bon appetit, b*****d_.

(She opens her mouth wide and clamps down on Financer's head, causing everything to burst into light in a bang)

* * *

(Sylvia found herself standing in a realm of muggy whiteness, foggy like the depths of a sauna. But through the mist are the vague outlines of palmtrees, as well as the sounds of seagulls and the gentle lapping of ocean waves. The sugary texture of beach sand can be felt beneath her feet. She looks around trying to figure out what's going on)

?: Wow, that was really brutal. I often forget that violent side of yours. But, that's just one of the surprises that makes you so special.

(Through the mist a squat shadowy form takes shape. Even though it's murky and seemingly out of reach, there's no mistaking who it is in Sylvia's eyes, as "Illia's Theme" from Twilight Princess plays)

Sylvia: It's…. it's really you.

Squishy: It's me alright. Good to see you too, hon.

Sylvia: What, how, I mean I—

Squishy: You cleared the trial. I knew you wouldn't give in to that crap.

Sylvia: That, was actually the trial?

Squishy: Uh-huh. You faced the doubt that was in your heart, put there by the Financer all those months ago. Only makes sense it would manifest into him, and even more satisfying when you overcame it. He was practically pissing himself.

Sylvia: That wasn't him?

Squishy: Nope, just a shade of your subconscious. Same as me.

Sylvia: You're not real either?

Squishy: I'm afraid not. Just the manifestation of your longing for me.

Sylvia: (Silence)...So I'm just talking to myself. And what I did, that hadn't all been me. You _were_ here with me.

Squishy: Well yeah, in spirit. But don't discredit yourself too easily. My memory's there, but you acted on your own. Overtook that trauma like the strong-minded, strong-willed gal that I love.

Sylvia: Yeah. But, the thing about that is… (Gets teary) That, hasn't always been the case. Before this, I...

Squishy: Hm? What's wrong, sweetie?

Sylvia: It's just, when you went away, I was reeling. Even with everyone else back, I still felt empty. I only had your words to keep me afloat, and for months I waited at our spot. Even though I promised, I never talked with anyone, not even our own children. I just wanted to be there when you came back. But you never came back, and that emptiness grew more and more. I hardly did anything, much less what a "strong-willed gal" would do.

Squishy: But you still had others looking after you, so you didn't shut yourself off completely. And it was Steezy that got you into gear, and look where you are.

Sylvia: Yeah. And I couldn't have gotten this far without the rest of the gang. Jo, Anna, Will, even Alex. You know, I had actually wanted to come out here by myself. I thought I could tough it out, make it through like you probably would have. But… (Sniffs and rubs eyes) I'm so glad I caved and let them come. There was too many weird things out here for me to handle.

Squishy: Nothing wrong with that. Keeping the team together makes the dream together, or something like that.

Sylvia: Yet I still tried to go solo. And now we're separated again and… I'm lucky I got it together to clear this trial, you know? Like I said, I was so close to giving up. Alone on that raft for so long, there didn't seem to be any other course. Just, let go. Vanish. (Sniff) You being gone, what Financer had said. The months just idling away losing certainty in you coming back. I had almost let it take me, despite our kids, the friends I'd be leaving. The life we made together, gone. That realization after I woke up scared me more than anything. Even though my children watched over me, hoping for my return, I had nearly abandoned them. (Sniff) What kind of, what kind of "strong-willed gal" would just let that happen, barely a day into another zany Jedi adventure. (Begins to sob)

Squishy: Hey hey hey, shhh shhh. Let's have none of that. I've never liked that look of sadness on you.

Sylvia: Says the figment of my imagination. (Sniff) D***it, why couldn't you be real. I'm so tired of jumping through these hoops. That Financer a**hole was enough. (Sniff) I miss you so much. I really, really miss you. Just come back… Please… (Sob)

Squishy: It's frustrating. It really is. Like with how our kids kept getting bounced around out of our reach way back.

Sylvia: Y-Yeah. (Sniff) But at least you were there to help deal with it.

Squishy: True. And I know exactly what you've been through recently. I'm not just your longing given form, but also the regret you had in letting me go so "easily" as you consider it. For that let's set the record straight: There was nothing easy about it. No one was there but you and me. I was the only one who even had an inkling of what needed to be done; I told you about my other run-ins with the Contractor before we met. If I hadn't gone, we would have just wandered around in nothingness until we starved or fell to despair. It really was the only way to fix things.

Sylvia: So I, (Sniff) keep telling myself. But it doesn't make things easier. It doesn't stop that creeping feeling that you would be… (Sniff)

Squishy: (Sigh) I know it's hard to deny, to think away. It's only natural after a long period of time. For all intents and purposes, I may as well have been written out of existence. That something came upon me that I couldn't fight off and, well… I wouldn't be able to keep my promise.

Sylvia: Really great at making me feel better me, heheh. (Sniff)

Squishy: But despite all the "ifs", the growing doubts, what's important is that you came out here to find me yourself regardless of all that. Weakness is only bad if you let it dictate your life completely. Everyone has weakness. The trick is to push past it and go on living, which is precisely what you're doing. For both yours, and everyone elses' sake.

Sylvia: Still, I had nearly…

Squishy: I wish you would stop worrying about that. That's old news, sweetie. Besides, I know that when some mishap comes your way, you pick yourself up and keep moving forward. That's one of the things I admire about you, aka love.

Sylvia:...That positive thinking I got from you, remember?

Squishy: No no, I merely drew it out more with _my_ positive thinking. That can-do attitude has been yours since before I strummed into your life. As well as your strength, your focus, your dedication to family, your kindness, and that unwillingness to back down.

Sylvia: Everything you told me you love about me… among _other_ attributes.

Squishy: This place is steamy enough as it is, don't you think dear?

(Sylvia gives a light chuckle, wiping away her tears)

Squishy: See? That positive attitude's poking through. Anyway, I believe it's time for you to go. Everyone else should be done about now.

Sylvia: Yes. Enough talking to myself. The real you is out there.

Squishy: Don't give up. You're nearly at the end; I know you can feel it. Keep your chin up and don't get bogged down by what's already done. I'll be expecting a smile when we meet again.

Sylvia: (Grin) Of course.

Squishy: Just keep following your heart and trust in your friends and family. The conscience never lies.

(Suddenly everything fades to black, leaving Sylvia standing in silent darkness again. Only it's a still enclosed kind of dark, like a room with the lights off. She looks to the side, seemingly finding an exit)

Sylvia: (Thoughts) It's important to have the right attitude, that's true. But what you said wasn't entirely accurate. My positive thinking had only applied to going out and seeing new things, meeting new people. It was only after you came into my life that it became the resolve to see a task through to the end. No matter the hardship. No matter the uncertainty.

(She walks offscreen. Slowly fading into view comes a strange silhouette of a man)

 _ **Thatta girl.**_

 **End Trial**


	13. Episode 3 Part 2

(Things swirl back into view. Sylvia is lying amidst the darkness. She stirs awake and looks around before gingerly getting up. For a moment there is no one, then)

Will: Sylv? Is that you? (He walks into view)

Sylvia: Will? Where are the others?

Sara: There you are. (Goes over to Will) Where were you?

Will: Hey, I just got here. What about you? How did you manage your trial?

Sara: I'm here aren't I? But yeah, it was no biggie. Rather sexist, but no biggie.

Cope: Mine was annoying. (Walks in)

Anna: And mine was a-maaaaaazing~! (Also walks in with a confident stride) Really feels like I got a burden off my chest with that one.

Cope: Lucky you.

Will: Jeez, why do you reek of sex and candy, Anna?

Anna: Nothing but the delightful fragrance of campy theater you're smelling there, Will!

Sylvia: Yuck.

Jo: Hey everyone…

(Jo slowly walks in, head down showing his new baldness)

Cope: Jo?!

Sara: Oh my god.

Anna: He's a freakin' cueball!

Sylvia: Jo, what happened to your hair?

Jo: I, fell down some stairs.

Sara: What? Jo, that doesn't make—

Jo: I FELL DOWN SOME STAIRS, OKAY?

Sara: O-o-okay, Jo. Just chill, you're okay (maybe).

Will: Here come the rest.

(Indeed, the Jaa-Ruu kids walk onto the scene)

Stan: Mom! We made it!

Sylvia: I'm so glad to see you're okay.

Rick: Twas no problem.

(Sally moves sullenly, head down as she walks slowly to Sylvia)

Stan: Sal? What's wrong?

(She ignores him and goes up to her mother, immediately throwing her arm outs to embrace her in a hug)

Sally: I love you so much, Mom…

Sylvia: I, I do too, sweetheart. (Returns hug)

(After a few moments, Sally disengages, turns and goes over to her brothers, her step a little less heavy. She lands a hug on Stan before he can react)

Stan: Uhhhh…?

Sally: Even though I tease and make fun of you, I still really care about you. I'm so glad you're my brother.

Stan: I know that, sis. (Hugs back) It's just a sibling thing you do, but we still love each other, and that's the important thing.

Sally: I'll try to dial back on the teasing. (Lets go, takes a deep breath and smiles, then looks to Rick) Oh, I can't leave you out.

(She goes over and hugs her cloaked brother)

Rick: Thanks, Sally.

Sally: Even if you still brood, you're just as important. (Withdraws, back to her fully perky self) There. All better.

Sylvia: Did something awful happen in your trial, honey?

Sally: Nothing some hugs couldn't fix, Mom. I'm back in the game. (Notices Jo) Why are you bald?

Jo: AAAAAAGGGGHHH!

Sylvia: I suppose we can discuss our trials at a later time.

Sara: About that, what happens next?

(Spinning into view above them is the face of Jigsaw)

Jigsaw: Congratulations; you're all still alive. Your prayers have surely paid off.

Will: Enough with your condescending tone; we're done with your BS.

Sally: Yeah! So let us go!

Jigsaw: Patience. You will be free in short order. I just hope you remember the lessons you saw along the way.

Cope: I didn't bother taking notes, cuz your trial really made me not want to give a d**n.

Sara: That was plain disrespectful what you with mine!

Stan: Uh, it was certainly an experience with mine.

Anna: I had a blast! I don't know about the rest of you.

Rick: Seems to me that some of us need better incentives at remembering your lessons, Jigsaw. You weren't just phoning in most of them, were you?

Jigsaw: Hmmmmm… After all that, you all still hold separate views on the central meaning of my trials. Aw well, nothing can be done about that right now. Because you have all survived as I had instructed, a reward for your efforts is in order.

(Rising before them all in a great brilliant light is a huge door-shaped portal of utter brilliance)

Sally: Oooooh…

Jigsaw: The door before you leads to a different realm: One that not even I know what lies within. But this will bring you one step closer to your final goal. Of course, there is the possibility that whatever's on the other side will be far above your skill level. The last key has turned; will you step forth to face its contents? This is your final choice.

(Silence amid the group)

Stan: Mom?

Anna: What's your call, Sylv?

(Sylvia steps forward)

Sylvia: We go. There is literally no other choice

Jigsaw: Then it is decided. Now I shall bid you farewell, and so long.

(Whirls into nothingness)

Will: Let's go then.

Rick: Yeah; let's do this.

Cope: Lead us on, "ma'am".

Sylvia: Sure. Come on.

(They all head for the portal except Jo, who just stands around mopey)

Sara: Come on, Jo! A chance for new scenery!

(Soon it's just Jo who's left. He slowly makes his way to the portal, and just before it he stops and looks back up to where Jigsaw was)

Jo: B****rd… Somehow I'll get you for this.

(Steps into portal. The door shrinks and disappears into the darkness)

* * *

Verse 8

Recollections

— What is this place? It's beyond me. Help, me mommy…..

* * *

(They're all standing in some ramshackle machine shop loaded with wires, rusted parts, and sand particles. However, everything but themselves has a grainy, greenish-brown shade to it)

Sara: Huh. Not much improvement in the scenery department.

Cope: At least it's _something_ , like Jo wanted.

Will: I'm getting a weird vibe about this place. Like a hazy, foggy feel.

Anna: Might be the coloring.

(Nearby, a Jawa a little over two feet tall comes through an open door and heads right through the group, phasing through them)

Sylvia: Huh?

(The Jawa continues and stops before a junk pile in the corner. It leaps up and rummages through it)

Jo: What was that about? Ghosts?

Sylvia: I don't know.

(The Jawa comes out of the pile holding a clunky console of some sort. It then speaks in Basic)

Little Jawa: Cool, an Atari 2600! And it looks salvageable. Sweet!

(A taller Jawa appears in the doorway and also speaks Basic)

Jawa: There you are!

Little Jawa: (Startled) Wah, Nurba?!

Jawa: Are you seriously digging for game consoles again?

Little Jawa: Um, uh, no, I was just sorting useful parts… which happen to be game consoles.

Jawa: Dude, the chieftain wants those droids cleaned up now. The way you keep shirking off like this, it's no wonder he calls you "Squishy".

Little Jawa: Please don't bring up my dad like that...

Jawa: Well put that down and hurry up, before we both get in trouble.

Little Jawa: Fine fine.

(The little Jawa drops the console, walks through the group again and out the door with the other Jawa)

Jawa: You know I won't always be there to cover you, bud.

(Once the two are gone, our heroes are left standing confused over what happened)

Sally: What just happened?

Stan: Did they even see us?

Will: I'm thinking this is some sort of simulation.

Sylvia: Hold on, that smaller Jawa. You heard what he was called?

Jo: Squishy, yeah. Wait a—!

Anna: No way! Our Squishy?

Rick: We should follow them.

Jo: Right. After those two!

(They go through the door and there's a flash. Now they're standing outside under a hot sun in the middle of the desert. Nearby are several tents and stalls, with a number of heavily-clothed individuals breaking them down, one with a shock of orange hair)

Sara: We're outside now?

(A line of Jawas bearing bulging packs and satchels of scrap are marching by, overseen by a Jawa holding a ceremonial rod of dirty metal piping)

Head Jawa: Hurry it up, now! We're moving out in five minutes.

(Near the end of a procession is the little Jawa from before, holding a bundle of metal parts in his little arms. A gear falls from his bundle, causing the rest to collapse and spill out all over the sand. The head Jawa strides over and bops him on the head with the rod)

Head Jawa: Why are you carrying those by hand you clumsy mouse? You can carry far by using a pack.

Little Jawa: But then it'd be too heavy to carry. (Gets bopped again)

Head Jawa: You'll forever be soft and squishy if you don't toughen up like the others, and I can't have you keep embarrassing me and the clan. Do I make myself clear?

Little Jawa: Yes dad…

Head Jawa: What was that?

Little Jawa: I mean yes Father Chieftain.

Head Jawa: Now pick this up if you want to ride with us.

(The Jawa leader exits, leaving the smaller Jawa to sigh before kneeling down to grab the scattered scrap alone)

Will: Guys… I think we somehow wound up in Squishy's memories if that's who I think it is.

Cope: I was just about to say the same thing.

Anna: Guess that explains the grainy filter over everything: Typical flashback effect. God, I never thought he could get any tinier, yet there we have it.

Sally: If that's Dad, then was that also grandpa? He seems pretty harsh.

Sylvia: Your father hardly spoke of his childhood, come to think of it.

Rick: No surprise if that's what he had to put up with.

(As the younger Squishy was finishing up his collecting, a single screw some feet away comes rolling over to within his grasp, which he picks up and puts onto his pile without notice)

Will: You guys saw that, right?

Jo: Yep. Must be when it first started peeking through.

(Another flash. Now they're standing under a rock overhang by some boulder formations in the middle of a vast desert on a very hot day)

Rick: Another transition?

Sara: Guess we don't have to move to get it to change.

(Humming into sight comes young Squishy)

Anna: I just can't get over how adorable he is.

Sara: I know, right? He's like a chubby doll or a shabby throw pillow with limbs.

Young Squishy: Should be some scrap around here. At least it's out of the sun.

(As he rounds the corner, something scaly with teeth rises up at his side)

Sally: Dad look out!

(Squishy looks over in time to leap away from the snapping jaws of a Krayt Dragon)

Young Squishy: GAAAAAA!

(He trips and falls onto his rump, about to turn and book it before he stops and properly sees the Krayt Dragon. It's truly small, about the size of a Komodo dragon, and though it snaps its sharp teeth it doesn't advance, and even looks tired. Squishy then notices that the dragon's left hind leg is stuck under a boulder, holding it in place at an awkward angle)

Sylvia: Hold on. I remember Squishy telling me about this.

Jo: I never thought they could be that small. Still, a big sucker.

(Squishy calms down, and seeing he's in no immediate danger, he gets up and looks at the trapped beast some more. He then spots the dead womp rat lying a few feet out of the creature's reach)

Young Squishy: Huh, guess you got stuck hunting that thing…

(He stands awkwardly a moment then turns to leave, but looks over as the reptile whimpers when trying to force its leg free, showing exposed torn flesh. The Jawa stands there, looking conflicted for several seconds before moving in the direction of the boulder)

Anna: Is he seriously…?

(The dragon does a half-hearted snap at Squishy as he scoots on by)

Young Squishy: Hey hey, uh, not-so-little fella, I just want to help you.

(He gets over to the boulder, then putting his little hands against it he pushes it. He strains, then gets his shoulder into it, then starts pushing at it with his back, only getting it to nudge slightly. He bends over and pants, looking over to see the dragon weakly struggle and whimper some more, then goes to push against the boulder again)

Young Squishy: (Pushes) Come-on-you-stupid-rock! Just-let-up-a-little!

(As he pulls his hands back an inch, the boulder suddenly rolls off as though heavily shoved, making Squishy fall forward. He looks up at the boulder a little surprised, then looks over to see the Krayt Dragon try to retract its injured leg, only to wince and growl in pain)

Young Squishy: Whoa, take it easy there. You gotta, uh, rest it a little. (Hurries around the beast) Don't go moving around.

(He goes over to the dead womp rat and gingerly picks it up using as little of his hands as possible, then goes over and plops it before the Krayt dragon)

Young Squishy: There: Something to eat.

(The dragon regards the meat, then chows down. Squishy then moves around to the injured leg and starts tearing off a strip of his robe)

Jo: Baby's first Force Push. Huh.

Anna: Say Sylv, did Squishy explain why he wanted to save a deadly flesh-rending apex predator?

Sylvia: I recall he said he didn't like seeing another creature suffering; that he'd have felt guilty if he just left it to die.

Will: I guess this is where he got an interest in lizards.

Cope: That… would make some sense.

(As Squishy finishes wrapping the impromptu bandage, everything flashes. Now everyone's back in a desert, with a huge Sand Crawler nearby. Before them is a man in Jedi robes with salt-pepper gray hair talking to two Jawas: A slightly taller Squishy and the Jawa leader)

Jedi: I sense much strength and potential in your son. If you want, "Squishy", I can take you to Coruscant for further evaluation.

Jo: Holy crap, isn't that…?

Young Squishy: Really?

Lead Jawa: Preposterous! My son has no such things! And even if he did, I'd never allow him to go off and be a part of some galaxy peacekeeping nonsense!

Jedi: But sir, I don't think it's fair for you to—

Lead Jawa: Silence, Stranger! You were never welcomed here in the first place, and I refuse to have any of my kin or any of my clan join your political circus! Ever!

(There is a flash. There's a scene at night where a small silhouette creeps to an awaiting ship. Another flash and all the Jedi are in the hold of some ship)

Jo: Wait. What was with that last one?

Sally: What's over there?

(They can see a nearby room with the Jedi and young Squishy looking over a screen of letters)

Jedi: Now young one, the word here stands for "hello". Try saying that.

Young Squishy: He…. llo…

Jedi: Good. Now this one is for saying your name. It goes "my name is". Try it.

Young Squishy: M, my ame….. isk…..

Jedi: Not quite, but don't worry. The trip will give us plenty of time for you to know the basics of Basic, haha. And even afterwards, Basic isn't too hard of a language to grasp for someone like you. Now, let's review,

Sara: Squishy learning Basic for the first time. That's kind of cute.

(Flash. Now they're standing in some hallway)

Anna: Where are we now?

Voice: This is stupid! Why do I have to be here?

Cope: That voice!

(They walk over and look through some opening. There is a small antechamber of quaint decadence. There were two elder Jedi there, along with a tall, young, lanky, antsy man with black hair and the braid of a Padawan)

Elder Jedi 1: Now Alex, you know this is an important occasion.

Pad. Alex: But why does it have to be me? Couldn't you have gotten somebody else to do this, like Brian or even that Joseph guy?

Elder Jedi 2: It has to be you, Alex. This is the last task you must perform in order for you to earn your knighthood.

Pad. Alex: You kidding me? There's far better things I could do! Give me some rancors to fight or send me after a Sith!

Elder Jedi 1: We know you can handle rancors. You done so in a most unconventional manner.

Elder Jedi 2: Also, a Sith is much too dangerous at your level. Thus, this shall be your final test.

Pad. Alex: But come on!

Elder Jedi 1: You need to learn to calm yourself, Alex. This anger of yours isn't healthy.

Pad. Alex: Well it's kinda hard to keep myself composed considering that I'm escorting some midget!

Elder Jedi 2: Hold your tongue, Padawan!

Elder Jedi 1: And be quick about it: They have arrived.

(The fidgety Alex orients himself and gets in position behind the elders, while Cope is pinching his nose in embarrassment)

Cope: Jeez…

Sally: Wait, is that _you_ , Alex?

Elder Jedi 2: Now remember: This is a momentous event. We have to remain dignified and courteous always.

(Alex grumbles. Walking into the chamber comes the Jedi and Squishy)

Jedi: Salutations, Grand Masters.

Elder Jedi 1: And salutations to you, Master Ducky. This is the Jawa you spoke of?

Ducky: Yes he is, sirs.

(Squishy steps forward and hesitates nervously before speaking)

Young Squishy: Hel, lo….. my name…. Is Squish-ee… it's nice to….. meet you…

Ducky: I taught him a bit of Basic on the trip here.

Elder Jedi 2: We can see. That's quite impressive for a Jawa to learn that many words in such little time.

Pad. Alex: (Murmurs) Whatever…..

E. J. 1: It's nice to meet you as well, Squishy. I believe you'll find Coruscant to be a most wondrous place. And if the others like what they see from you, then you may even have a home here.

(Jedi Ducky talks in Jawaese to the young Squishy, who jabbers back in his own language and gives a little hop)

Ducky: He's very excited by that idea.

Elder Jedi 2: I bet. Now come along; the evaluation will take place in the Council Chambers.

(The elders move away, joined by a red-headed lad in the hall. Young Squishy goes over timidly to a grumpy Alex and stares up at him)

Pad. Alex: What?

Y. Squishy: ….. You are….. cute?

Pad. Alex: What!?

Ducky: Oh, don't take heart. He's still trying to figure out the words some more.

Elder Jedi 1: Hurry everyone; the others are waiting.

(Everyone leaves the chamber except Alex who's looking insulted. After a bit)

Pad. Alex: Freakin' Jawa.

(Follows suit. Back to our intrepid observers)

Stan: Wow. I never thought you could be even more uptight and pissed.

Cope: Hormone-fueled aggression and an overtly high opinion of myself over others. I'm not particularly proud, and I apologize you had to see that.

Sylvia: Squishy had told me about this moment as well: How nervous he was and how strange Alex looked.

Jo: This is a real trip seeing Master Ducky again.

Rick: Who was he?

Jo: A real cool Jedi Master, very knowledgeable, great sense of humor. He was also one of the recruiters that followed up on reports for potential Force users.

Cope: Due to my high marks, I was one of the privileged to get a first glance as "miracle Jawa" he found.

Sara: Again, real cute how nervous he looked.

Will: Is that going to be a running thing with you for this walk down memory lane?

Sara: Probably.

(There's a flash. They're in some living quarters. Young Squishy walks in and is greeted by another young Jedi)

Jedi: Ah, you must be my roommate. You're Squishy, right? (Sticks out hand) The name's—

(Another flash. Young Squishy is playing video games late into the night. Flash. Now he's in a training room with a Jedi Trainer)

Trainer: Now, Squishy, I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

(Squishy launches himself at the trainer's crotch, delivering a headbutt that makes him keel over)

Trainer: Yes…. Very good…

(Flash. They're in a cafeteria. Squishy had just gotten a tray of food and begins looking for a table but gets tripped by some bully Jedi)

Bully: Hey, midget, didn't your mom warn you: You gotta watch for them dust balls better.

(His jerk friends laugh at this. A younger, handsome Jedi comes over to the Jawa's defense)

Helpful Jedi: Hey lay off the guy, Trip! He didn't do anything. Besides, that was the lamest insult I ever heard. (To Squishy) You alright, man?

Young Squishy: Yes, I am fine….. thank you.

Helpful Jedi: No prob, little guy. Let me help you up. (He helps squishy get up) Name's Joseph by the way.

Young Squishy: Hello Joseph. I'm Squishy. It's nice to meet you.

Young Jo: No need to make all this formal. You want to sit at my table?

Young Squishy: O-okay.

(They walk off)

Young Jo: So other than those jerks, what do you think about this place?

Young Squishy: Uhhh…. It is really good. Very nice uh-place.

Young Jo: You know something? You really need to loosen up on the vernacular. I know you're new here but you gotta talk hip with the rest of us. Just stick with me and you'll be talking smooth in no time, the right way.

Young Squishy: Uh, okay, Joseph.

Young Jo: Just call me Jo, little guy. Say, have you met Alex? He's a knight you know.

(They walk out of view)

Sara: Oh Jo, that was so sweet what you did for him.

Jo: Yeah. That was back in the days before I came to realize my sexy potential. I was a regular do-gooder, alright. It was kinda strange being all nice to a Jawa, but then I just thought of him as some short guy who liked to wear heavy robes all the time. That made being a friend at first easier, though Alex was a different story.

Cope: Yeeeeah.

(Flash. We see young Jo, Squishy and Alex standing around chillin'. Flash. Now it's a classroom of some sort.)

Sally: A classroom?

Jo: Ahhh, Mr. Amus' class. There were good times in that room.

(Show an old portly Jedi teacher with jowls at the front of the room setting up a holo-diagram near a red-headed student. He turns after finishing and faces the class of eager students)

Amus: Okay class, pay attention and quit yer noise: I'm only gonna go over this once. Jedi A tosses his lightsaber at a 30° angle, where it covers 12 meters in 10 seconds. It hits a coconut that hangs 12 feet above the ground. What was the overall vector displacement made by the lightsaber, and as added work, how long does it take the coconut to hit the head of a Sith beneath it, who's lying 7 inches above the ground. For you offworlders, we'll be using Coruscant gravity, which is different from other planetary gravitational fields and should be in your notes if you had the sense to write it down. Squishy, you look smart enough. What're the answers?

(Show young Squishy at a desk drooling and looking confused as h**l. He slams his head into his desk as if comatose. Young Jo is sitting next to him holding a confident smirk)

Young Jo: So simple.

(Flash. Jo and Squishy are playing vidya games late into the night. Flash. Now it's an obstacle course/fitness area crawling with Padawans on various equipment. There's a mean-looking silver-haired instructor yelling at them)

Instructor: So you dummies think yer so great? You're nothing! A bunch of retards is what all of you are! Retards doing dummy things! No you dummies, that's not how you do it! Quit being retards you retards! How did I end up with all these dummies? Gosh dum-it, dummy! I'm tired of dummies! It's like I've taken dummy pills because it feels like a sea of retards right here! Dummies! You!

(Stomps over to Squishy who's struggling with push-ups)

Instructor: Hey there, Private Dummy: Enjoying the dirt?!

Young Squishy: Ugh. Could use ketchup.

Instructor: Aw, so you think yer funny, eh? Think you're so smart with yer dummy funnies? Well let me tell ya sumthing: Yer a dummy! A sand-mongering dummy! A dummy pile of pure retard! I got ta hand it to ya for coming up with a name like Squishy, cuz that's what yer gonna sound like when I start walkin' all over ya unless ya do dem push-ups lickety-split! Tell me, son: Do you wanna be a new coat of leather for my boots? Do ya, dummy?!

Y. Squishy: Sir no sir!

Instructor: I'll believes it when I sees it! Now git yer dummy butt up and take me to the cooler; all this dumminess has gotten me thirsty.

Y. Squishy: Yessir!

(Gets up and the instructor mounts his shoulders like a midget horse)

Instructor: Hi yo, dummy: AWAAAY!

(Squishy strains to carry off his tormentor)

Sylvia: So that's why Squishy's so springy. But what was that guy's deal?

Jo: That was the Chief. A real hard-a**, but a darn good fitness trainer. He considered all the weak as dummies, but he's a pretty cool guy once you got to know him.

Cope: Which made it a shame that he had to retire after his legs were shattered from that falling crate of crash test dummies.

Will: How's that for irony?

Anna: Peh. Past Jedi and their ironies. Pathetic.

(Flash. The three Jedi-in-training are standing around again, but they look a bit older. Flash and there's an induction ceremony)

Announcer: Congratulations to Padawan Squishy for achieving Jedi knighthood.

(Flash. Now the three are playing games at night. There's a victory noise and Squishy leaps with joy)

Y. Squishy: Yes! I did it! In your face, Copeland!

(Young Cope Force shoves the TV off the stand and through a nearby window with a great crash. Squishy and Jo freeze)

Y. Cope: Whatchu got to say now, b***h?!

(Squishy looks cowed. Flash. Squishy is deflecting training lasers with a saber. Flash. It's a locker room, and Squishy whips Cope in the behind, resulting in giggles and a run for life. Flash. Another shot of the three standing ground. Flash. Another induction ceremony)

Announcer: Congratulations to Jedi Knight Squishy for his mastery of Force Levitation.

(Flash. Squishy is now floating around a room full of balloons dancing as "99 Red Balloons" plays. Flash. Squishy is now scrubbing a hall floor. A short man with blonde hair and glasses pops in)

Guy: How're those floors comin' along, Scrubby?

Y. Squishy: It's going great, bro.

Guy: Good intern. I better see my face in hi-def by the time I get back. Oh, and sand bag, don't call me bro. (Walks out)

Rick: Who does that guy think he is, bossing Dad like that?

Jo: Hey wasn't that Brian?

Cope: Oh right! Brian Cucho! He was a friend of ours, or at least he was until he died of VD he caught from that Catlin girl of his. There were signs, but he just couldn't keep it in his pants.

Jo: That's so Brian.

Anna & Sara: Ew…

(Flash. Squishy is being swung around by a rancor. Flash. Squishy is at a cantina rave booming with metal. Flash. Now Squishy and Alex are in a cramped ship's cockpit. Squishy starts getting a disgusted look on his face)

Y. Squishy: Eww, Alex! Open a window! (Goes to open a window)

Y. Alex: No don't!

(A window is open and a vortex makes a racket and tries to suck out the Jedi. Flash. Some football field)

Brian: Kick the Jawa!

Y. Squishy: Don't kick the Jawa!

Brian: Kick the Jawa!

(Delivers a running kick that sends Squishy through the field goal. Flash. A science fair)

Y. Alex: Gentlemen! Allow me to introduce: The Enterprise! (Pulls away a tarp to reveal a small, twin bodied silver rocket thing) The very first rocket powered by the Force and a Star Trek fan base.

Judge: Interesting though questionable combination. Does it work?

Y. Alex: Of course it does: I'm never wrong! Now stand back and be enlightened. (Pulls out a remote) Firing in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

(Pushes a button. The rocket starts to smoke at the bottom but suddenly bursts into sparks)

Y. Alex: Crap! There's conflicting feedback! Get down!

(The rocket shoots up and busts a fin. It spirals around and flies about the place before it goes outta sight with a thud. We turn to see the rocket has stopped square in Squishy's groin)

Y. Squishy: O-o-owwwwwww…..

(Hits ground. Flash. It's now a funeral)

Speaker: We are here today to honor the passing of Jedi Master Ducky, who's only crime in life was being a father to all. Now here to perform a moving rendition of "Dust In The Wind", I give you Will Ferrell.

(Flash. It's a hallway somewhere and Squishy is standing there looking mopey. Jo walks in)

Y. Jo: Hey Squishy, what's wrong?

Y. Squishy: I can't believe he's gone; he was like a second, better dad to me…

Y. Jo: I know the feeling. But he was old, and that's how old people end up: Dead.

Y. Squishy: He was the one who got me off Tatooine; he showed me that there was a bigger universe out there to explore; he's the reason I got to be a Jedi in the first place and was able to meet you guys. He was more a caring, understanding father than mine ever was. And what's worst, he's not going to see me be inducted into Masterhood. That's the one thing I've always wanted to do to make him truly proud of me, but with him gone I don't—

Y. Jo: Hey hey hey don't go piling on the remorse! Just because Ducky's gone doesn't give you the privilege give up. I know he's always been proud of you, and wherever he is now, I bet he's still watching over you. Now do you think it would do his spirit good to see his good friend have second thoughts and turn emo on everyone?

Y. Squishy: ….No. He wouldn't—

Y. Jo: Glad you're still thinking straight. Now chin up and be thankful that _you're_ still alive. There's no point dwelling on the past, bro.

Y. Squishy: You're right.

Y. Jo: Course I am. Now come on: You, me, and Alex are gonna graduate together, and there will be no buts about it.

Y. Squishy: There were none to begin with, my friend.

Y. Jo: That's good to know.

(They walk off. Flash. It's the last ceremony. Squishy, Jo, and Alex are up on a stage)

Grand Master: You three have shown exceptional skill, talent, nobility, honor, mercy, and compassion over the years that reflect the very foundation of the Jedi Code. Thus, it is with great honor to bestow upon you the rank of Master. (Applauses) Now let your sabers glow with the radiance of your achievements.

(The three turn on their sabers and show their colors: Squishy light-green, Jo blue, and Alex a deep-purple. Alex's blade is twice the length of the other two)

Y. Squishy: Whoa, that thing's big.

Y. Jo: Yeah, about as big as—

Both: Copeland's Wang! (Air guitar)

Y. Alex: Grrrrr!

Grand Master: Now with that done... Bring out the women!

(The whole place fills with dancing girls and everyone goes into a 60's dance frenzy. Flash and everything's black)

Jo: Something's messed up with Squishy cuz I don't remember any of that happening.

Cope: The cheap shot you made about me happened.

Jo: Oh yeah. But the women would've been nice, though.

Sally: Why's everything dark?

Will: Dead end?

Stan: Maybe there's nothing interesting going on.

Cope: That could be it. After we graduated things were pretty dull for a while.

Jo: Yeah, until that fateful night when everything changed.

(Flash. It's some great dining hall filled with people and tables. The people are walking about, sitting, eating, and chatting with one other. However, there are people wearing brown robes and people wearing black and looking pasty, and one who happens to have orange hair. There is an uneasy air over the place)

Sally: A party?

Sara: It doesn't look very festive.

Rick: What's with the guys in black?

Anna: (Gasp of glee) Sith! Loads and loads of wonderful Sith! Oh how grand it is to be surrounded by my brothers and sisters of darkness once again! Happy daaay!

Sylvia: Sith? Here? With all these Jedi?

Cope: It was a different time, Sylvia. Long before anyone cared about Ssi-Ruuks.

Jo: Yeah. Back when we started out as Masters, the Jedi and Sith had a truce. Needless to say, people were still wary about whatever peace was at hand. The guys in the Senate tried with little success at matching the two up.

Cope: Which led to this ill-fated mixer banquet. We all came because there was nothing to do, but from what we saw, pretty much everyone was in attendance.

(Up at the head of the chambers is the table holding the head Sith. Among them are Strawberry, Stand-In, and even a more shaven Will)

Will: Oh riiiight. I was Darth Mandalor back then.

(Walking up to the podium at the table comes the skinny Darth Pickles, looking ghoulish)

P. Pickles: Force-users of the evening, it is with the utmost pleasure that I bring you our most esteemed Sith Lord herself: Lord Pineapple.

(Applause from the group as the Imperial March plays. Making her way royally to the podium comes Anna as Lord Pineapple, looking fiendish)

Anna: Eeeee! That's me! Back In my heyday of evilness! So cool!

(Pineapple has reached the podium)

P. Pineapple: Thank you, Underling Pickles, for a most eloquent introduction. Greetings to all my Sith brethren, my wondrous Sisters of Darkness, and of course, our ever so *cough* p***y *cough* gracious Jedi. Allow me to be the first in giving you our official thanks for wasting our time this evening. You know, it was because of the peaceful methods introduced by your hosts that has allowed me the title of Sith Lord in a bloodless manner. Peh! Like those rules hold any water. The day after I got inducted, I went and took out the old windbag that was my predecessor. Now the reports will say that a bear mauled him, but don't be mistaken: It was actually these nails!

(Bares serrated nails to silent shock of audience)

Anna: (Giddily clapping) Ooooooh I'm so deliciously twisted! Hee hee!

P. Pineapple: Moving on, I would like to speak my mind to both Sith and wuss alike. Don't bother objecting: I'll just ignore you. (Throat clear) The whole Jedi Order is a sham, as are the Republic's attempt at making us "friends". The Dark Side has always been superior to those who would waste their talents on justice, equality and other hippie crap! For so long you Do-Gooders have been rescuing kittens only to have them claw your balls off or give you Hepatitis-C without calling you back. But do you seek to improve? No; you just go on following your moldy code while we the elites adapt and forge new rules time and time again. Which is why tonight I am re-declaring the extermination of Jedi our forefathers started and the one which I shall see to its end! To show my seriousness in this endeavor, here is our first act of nefariousness: The cocktail weenies now belong to us!

(Immense gasps)

Y. Jo: You Animaaaaaaal!

P. Pineapple: Yes, that's right: Let that pervasively evil goodness seep into your puny little heads. And seeing how everyone's so tense, maybe a little dance can loosen you stiffs up. (Sticks out hands and lightning shoots and fills up the place) Dance, Monkeys! DANCE!

(There are shrieks and crashing noises, then it all goes black again)

Jo: After things quieted down, war was declared on the Sith. Again.

Cope: Nearly all the Jedi and Sith were wiped out in that conflict.

Jo: And sadly none of the cocktail weenies were saved.

Will: That's because Anna ate them all.

Anna: Hey, I was hungry! Our moron chefs dropped the other goods when we made our getaway!

Cope: Still, the weenies would be forgotten, and soon the remaining survivors would face off one last time after many battles.

(Flash. There is a great field loaded with Sith and Jedi duking it out. Flash. The group is standing atop some rickety wreckage over swirling gas)

Sylvia: Whoa!

Rick: Where is this!?

(They spot Squishy nearby holding on to wreckage sticking out beneath some structure. Holding onto one of his feet is some fat guy in black)

Sara: Hey! This must have been the time when he fought Darth Hodges.

D. Hodges: Der! Derka der! I am so stronger than u! You can't beat me! A-huh a-huh a-huh!

P. Squishy: (Straining) You're not stronger! You're just fatter!

D. Hodges: Nuh-uhhh! You're just a wuss! I am king super rad and you are chicken bock bock loser, derrr!

P. Squishy: No! I'm way more a man than you! And another thing: You're an idiot!

(Shakes Hodges off, sending him falling into the gas giant)

D. Hodges: DeeDee DEEEEEEEEEeeeeee!

(Disappears. Flash. It's the site of some battle. Past Jo is standing over a fallen Mandalor who seems beat. Squishy is hanging from a nearby pipe)

P. Jo: (Awesome stance) It's time to end this, Will!

P. Mandalor: My name is Mandalor!

?: Yeah you jerk!

(Jo looks in the direction of the voice, only to get a faceful of pink panties)

P. Jo: Ahhh! Cooties! YAAAAH!

(Runs around clawing at panties. A younger Sara leaps in and lands beside Will to help him onto her shoulder)

P. Sara: Come on you lummox; we gotta go!

P. Mandalor: Sara?

(She leaps away with ill in tow. Jo has fallen to the ground still clawing at panties)

P. Jo: The womany fragrances! Gah!

(Flash. Alex, Jo and Squishy are in some hanger near something covered in a tarp)

P. Alex: Why did you drag use out here? We're in the middle of a war, remember?

P. Squishy: Bah, there's probably only five of them left. Nothing to fret over.

P. Jo: Uh, Squishy, we're the only Jedi left. Remember that?

P. Squishy: Of course I do, which is why I brought you here. I've been whipping up something to help us out, so you shan't be disappointed with it.

P. Alex: We'll see.

P. Squishy: Now gentlemen, I would like to give you the latest in hybrid technology: A mix of cargo/surveillance/fighter ships. I'm happy to introduce: (Pulls off some tarp) The Century Sparrow! (Show the oblong ship) Whatcha think?

P. Jo: Looks like an eclair.

P. Alex: Flying pastries aren't going to stop the Sith, nimrod.

P. Squishy: I know, but the things inside will beat them. This beauty has the latest in long distance surveillance technology accompanied by turbolasers, thrusters and hyperdrive systems that can match the Millenium Falcon itself. As for luxury, there are spacious living quarters in the back and lots of comfy seats to fit the various consoles. So yeah, I say my creation is certainly some package. But this package comes with a twist.

P. Alex: And what would that be?

P. Squishy: I'll show that eventually. But first, want to take this puppy out for a spin?

P. Jo: Sweet!

P. Alex: Hold on! We have no time to go joy-riding one of your pet projects. We still don't know where the Sith are.

P. Squishy: Oh, I might have an idea: A little something Republic intel scrounged up involving the planet Mustafar. Come on, Jo.

(The two head for the ship)

P. Alex: Mustafar? What importance would that place have... Wait—

(Flash. Now we're shown scenes of the very first episode involving parts with Squishy in it. The color shading of the scenes have changed to gray)

Jo: Oh yeah; here we go.

Sylvia: So this is—

Jo: Yep: The very first episode. Our big debut.

Cope: And a whacked one at that.

(Firing of Cutesy Cannon)

Sally: Puppies!

Jo: The ol' Cutesy Cannon.

Anna: That was a cheap tact!

Cope: But we did catch you off guard.

Will: That's true.

(Fight with Bot)

Rick: Sara? How did you get there?

Sara: Editing errors; nothing more.

Rick: Oh.

(Battle with Sith; Pickles' death by nipple searing)

Anna: Bye bye, Pickles.

(Fight with Mousse; encounter with Pineapple & Mandalor; Mandalor's death)

Sara: That was so cheap what you did, Anna.

Anna: Bah! I wasn't in the mood for romance!

(The continuing fights; green room and silent film brawls; fall of Pineapple and rise of Kangaroo; Squishy ending up in Jaws universe)

Stan: So weird… What just happened?

Jo: Shhh. It'll be explained.

(Appearance of Vidiot; Squishy's training; his Matrix-moment on Kessel; the fight with Darth Numa)

Cope: And that pretty much sums up Squishy's rise to stardom.

Rick: So random...

(Flash. The four Jedi and the turned Anna are at the boarding gate of some spaceport. Walking out of the gate comes a short, tanned man with a suitcase)

P. Jo: You must be Jared.

P. Jared: And you guys must be the welcome wagon.

P. Sara: Welcome to the Jedi!

P. Squishy: You're sorely needed, for sure.

P. Jared: Well glad to be needed. So when do I start?

P. Alex: Right away: We got a job on Naboo with your name on it.

P. Jared: Cool.

(Flash. The events of episode [pentagram]: Naboo, briefings, beach strike, entering the temple)

Flood: _Neeeew York! NeeeeeEEEEEW YOOOOOOOORK!_

(Gets sliced. Meeting and fighting Mischievous; the showdown with Bill Gates)

Cope: I'm sorry I still can't wrap my head around all that happening the way it did.

(Victory; the dance party; the start of 2nd trilogy)

Will: I come back in this one.

Anna: And that's a good thing, cuz things get real crazy in this.

(Coruscant attack; Chris' betrayal; Unoriginal Gear; the MGS scene)

Jo: You looked like such a doofus with that mullet, Will.

Will: Shut up.

(Kung-fu Chocobo; the arrival and whoopage of Lavos)

Stan: Wait, hold on. What's happening? What about a shoe rack?

(Lavos ends up in Squishy's robes)

Anna: That's just disturbing.

Sylvia: You know, Squishy told me some details about what went on in there.

Cope: Really? What did he… Second thought, forget it.

(End of first episode; Jedi training with Vidiot)

Will: I definitely remember the hurt from there.

Sara: Not for us! Tee hee!

Jo: Lucky.

(Recruiting Geek Squadron; attack on Lavos' shell; the fight and chase with Kefka)

Sylvia: So this is when you faced Kefka the first time.

Anna: He was a complete nutjob.

Will: Totally.

(Run in with Gal; the final fight with Lavos; meeting with the Contractor for the first time)

Stan: Whoa whoa whoa whoa hold on! This is how you met the Contractor?

Cope: It was weird, but like everything else that's been going on, we went with it.

Sally: He didn't seem so mean.

Anna: Yeah, except when he gave me that afro!

Sara: Still, this behavior of his makes sense when you think about what the Financer said.

Sylvia: …

(The arrival of the Galactic Doom; the revelation of Henry's design; the fight between Henry and Contractor)

Rick: So Dad turned into the Contractor. That's messed up.

Jo: I guess the point was being made about how Squishy really was the Contractor's image in Jawa form.

Sally: I don't really see the resemblance.

Cope: Practically none of us do.

(Flash. Now they were on some dry, rocky planet. Near them is a circle of shouting Ssi-Ruuks hyping over a contest: A weight lift-off between Squishy and a more weathered lizard)

Jo: The heck is this?

Sylvia: Oh! This is Lwhekk, back when Squishy came to make my people allies of the Republic.

Will: Oh yeah: We disbanded for three years after beating Henry.

Sylvia: My father told me all about this: About how some small creature sought to ally with us. He had to prove himself to the whole planet through our traditional strength trials. He passed them with determination that still baffles my father.

Jo: You know, I still don't get why exactly Squishy went so far to recruit an alien race that hated the Republic so much.

Anna: The million-dollar question, alright: What was he thinking going for some bloodthirsty reptiles?

Sally: I'm not blood-thirsty!

Cope: That's cuz you're not entirely Ssi-Ruuk.

Sally: So?

Sylvia: He had told me that only in extreme circumstances should someone be denied a second chance. He thought we were interesting and that it was a shame no one wanted to know more about us, to be friends. So he decided to try and reach out to us. A good thing his oddball antics and kind nature was infectious among us, because beforehand we never cared for anyone outside our home system. Also really helped that a coup had ousted the old leadership, so we were more open to outside intervention.

Sara: That's super weird.

(Flash. We see various scenes of Squishy talking to Ssi-Ruuk of various ages)

Sylvia: Despite the odds, Squishy managed to win over my father and the other ruling warlords. He wasted no time in teaching us Basic and telling us about the wonders of the galaxy, as well as a more humane alternative for our entechment technology. Though most of it wasn't approved by the elders, that didn't keep the young ones from being infatuated with his stories. Soon, just about every Ssi-Ruuk took to heart what he said, my father included. Squishy opened our eyes to the galaxy as a whole. Thanks to him we eventually became accepted by our former enemies. Who knows how we would have ended up without his unerring dedication; we may have remained on our homeworld indefinitely.

(Flash. It's the construction of the mammoth station Jawa Home. On catwalks and rigs around the structure there are people and aliens of all sorts, including Ithorians and Ssi-Ruuks and a lanky red-head. There is a shot of Squishy looking over some blueprints with an Ithorian and some workers)

Sylvia: When a project to unite all races was proposed, my father gave him several of our strongest males best scientists to help in its construction. My brother was chosen to be the head representative of the group and Squishy's assistant in overseeing the project.

Stan: You mean Uncle Steezy?

Jo: Whoa… All this is pretty deep. The way you tell it, Steezy being with Squishy was like a real big deal.

Sylvia: It was a big deal: Steezy was given great responsibility in helping Squishy fulfill his dream and to see Jawa Home become the success it is now.

Anna: Ooh…. Heavy…

Sally: I really miss Uncle Steezy.

Stan: Me too.

Rick: Same here.

Sara: I miss him as well. He could be a kook at times, but he was always cool.

Sylvia: That's my brother for you. Hm, it's funny, talking like this. For that matter, this whole thing's been kinda strange. Though I've been told about most of these things, it's a completely different feel seeing them play out like a movie. It puts things in a wider perspective.

Cope: It sure does.

Anna: When does this memory end, anyway?

(Flash. Squishy is sitting in some cabin plucking the strings of an acoustic guitar. A younger Steezy pops in)

P. Steezy: Yo Squish. Whatcha up to?

P. Squishy: Oh, just trying out the guitar.

P. Steezy: Rad. What for?

P. Squishy: Just to have something to do. Maybe if I practice enough, I might end up a rockstar or something like that.

P. Steezy: Riight; you a rocker. That'd be the day. Still, whatever floats your boat. Catch ya in a bit.

P. Squishy: Alright, man. (Steezy leaves and Squishy continues plucking the guitar) Maybe if I had a muse of some sort…

(Flash. A glowing copy of Gitaroo-Man. Flash. Squishy is sitting at the desk of his office on the finished Jawa Home fiddling with some pencils. Flash. The events of Trilogy 3 beginning at Jawa Home)

Will: And here we get back together.

Jo: I come in later, though.

(The attack of the Shroobs)

Rick: Mushroom people? WTF?

Cope: Cosplayers: The galaxy's greatest scourge.

Will: Real annoying was what they were.

(Fighting on the station; the group's escape; finding and getting back Jo)

Jo: Man I look so boss in this scene.

(Heading to Nal Hutta; fighting Swigga the Hutt)

Sally: Hey, where's Jared?

Will: Who?

Sally: You know: Jared from before.

Will: Oh. Umm, I'm not sure.

Anna: Like we care.

(All the events until the dance-off on Endor)

Cope: Oh god not this place again.

Stan: Whoa: Look at Dad shake his thing.

Sara: It was certainly groovy that day on Endor.

(The Jedi and Squishy dance into the cosplay tower. Flash. The meeting with Zowio, Squishy's escape and crash; the rescue at Star's End; attack on Coruscant; facing the spirit of the Death Star; the final bout with Zowio; the MJ danceoff; facing Robo Jackson in space; Zowio's last words; the Contractor's reappearance)

Sara: This is when the Contractor supposedly revealed his true colors.

Anna: But to think he was looking out for us.

Sylvia: I'm still not sure about that.

(The ensuing fight; breaking the 4th wall)

Cope: I still have no idea how he pulled that off.

(The end of the trilogy; Squishy playing guitar on the beach; Sylvia appears)

Sally: Look! There's Mom!

Jo: The day you two met finally plays out for us.

Sylvia: Yes. It was the first time I was on a planet other than Lwhekk. It was an interesting experience, but Squishy made it wondrous.

(Squishy playing "The Legendary Theme".)

Sara: That's such a nice song.

Will: Guess you weren't lying, Squishy.

Sally: So romantic.

(Various scenes of Squishy showing Sylvia the galaxy)

Sylvia: Back when we were just friends, we would talk plenty about each other while he showed me all there was to see amongst the stars. Then there was that day on the space liner.

(Show the Guitar face off with Carrot and his Sanbone group; the momentous first "kiss")

Cope: Ugh.

Sylvia: I'm not so sure why I did it right then and there: Spur of the moment, perhaps. But I felt wild and free, and Squishy fueled those feelings with that guitar. That day I came to understand a connection between me and him, and so did he.

(Scenes of more intimate moments and trips involving the two)

Sylvia: Once it became serious, Squishy opened up more to me, telling me more about his feelings and thoughts. He listened to what I said, of course, but he had more things to tell. While plenty of it was light-hearted and sorta comical, there were things that seemed more somber: Insecurities, thoughts on society, past regrets, things of that nature. Then he'd go back to being cheerful as if it were nothing. Yet something was bothering him for a time. Even before I got Force powers, I could tell something concerned him greatly.

(Flash. Squishy and Sylvia are on Jawa Home, looking out a huge observation window. A blue and white planet fills a quarter of the view, giving off a soft glow)

P. Sylvia: It's so beautiful... (Squishy just stands there) What's wrong, Squishy?

P. Squishy: (Sigh) Sylvia, we need to talk… about us.

(Flash. Squishy is sitting on the edge of a bed looking down. Sylvia is next to him comforting him)

P. Squishy: I'm, legitimately scared. About what others will think of us, and how it'd affect you.

P. Sylvia: You shouldn't be too worried about this. No one knows about us yet.

P. Squishy: But when they do? Would they accept us?

P. Sylvia: It might be a stretch, but—

P. Squishy: I mean, what you told me about your brother, I don't want to believe it. But I really don't want to test and see if my close bud would want to eviscerate me because I've been with you behind his back.

P. Sylvia: Squishy, I'm sure that he—

P. Squishy: Not to mention what the media would be splashing on every holoscreen in the galaxy. They salivate over these kinds of "scandals", and while I'm fine with being an outcast for something like that I don't want to have to think of you getting smeared all over the place for quick entertainment that will haunt you for life.

P. Sylvia: You don't have to worry about me—

P. Squishy: But if we keep being together that sort of thing is gonna be inevitable, and I don't know how we can deal with that! I'm going over this realistically and it sucks! We became friends and then more and too late I start thinking of the consequences and I'm supposed to be an adult yet here I am putting you and me in danger of becoming pariahs oh god oh man just just what—

P. Sylvia: Squishy! Squishy! Breathe! Look at me. (She moves his head toward her) It's something to think about, I know, but you have to be calm about it. You can't go off the handle over things that haven't even happened yet. You've always said to not get stressed out. We're together because you love the person I am, I for the person you are. And since when have you worried about what others think?

P. Squishy: ….Hardly… But this is...

P. Sylvia: I'm glad you're thinking about this seriously, but I feel it's better if you approach it from your usual positive mindset. You always know a way around any uncertain situation, like that day you fought those mariachis and protected me. If you just let the clumps in your head separate, then an answer will come up, no matter how odd it may be. Your words, right?

P. Squishy: Y-yeah but—

P. Sylvia: When the time is right, then we can tell Steezy and whoever else we want. Steezy can be a hothead, but he's sure to understand if I vouch for you. We just have to take it easy until that time. That means you gotta get a hold of yourself and stay optimistic like you always do. Okay?

(For a long time the two look into each others eyes without saying a word, then)

P. Squishy: You know, I almost forgot how deep and beautiful your eyes are.

P. Sylvia: Hm. Glad to see you're back to compliments.

P. Squishy: Yeah, I was pretty wound up. Let me get some drinks as thanks for your talk. (Gets up and moves out)

P. Sylvia: Make mine an appletini.

P. Squishy: Root beer for me as always. (Flash)

P. Squishy: You sure you're up for this?

P. Sylvia: Yes, but I'm pretty nervous.

P. Squishy: I know; I'm freaking out a bit myself.

P. Sylvia: If it helps, you could picture me as a female Jawa.

P. Squishy: Nah: I'll just see you as the woman you are. (Sylvia giggles) Let me turn on some music to ease up things. (A Barry White song plays)

Cope: No! NOOOO!

(Flailing up arms in defense. Flash and the room in empty)

Anna: Oh Thank God we've been spared!

Stan: Wait. Was that—?

Rick: Yes. It was.

Jo: Ah dude, I nearly lost my lunch over that…

Will: But you didn't and we're through it.

Sally: So, Mom, was this when you and Dad had us?

(Jo and Cope start dry-heaving)

Sylvia: No; that won't be until much later. But the first time was definitely something not to forget, especially considering that he—

Cope: Not! Another! WORD!

Sylvia: Oh, sorry.

(Squishy runs through the room with Sylvia behind him)

P. Sylvia: What's going on, Squishy?

P. Squishy: Something's happened, and I got a feeling that cops will be filling the real soon.

P. Sylvia: What? Why?

P. Squishy: I'll tell ya later; right now we gotta get off the station. Neither of us can be seen at all.

P. Sylvia: Okay, sure. But do we really have to rush?

P. Squishy: I don't want to risk it. Come on.

(They exit. Flash. Squishy drops Sylvia off on some planet. Flash. The events of Trilogy 4 Episode 1 from Squishy's viewpoint)

Sara: There we are!

Will: At the biggest court case of the decade.

Anna: Things looked pretty dicey for Steezy there.

Cope: To be honest, I thought he really blew up Wayland.

Jo: Yes, Alex, we all know that.

Sally: Shame on you!

Cope: Hmph.

Will: The trial didn't go so well either, considering the guy representing us.

(The ensuing trial; the two sides present evidence; Chris makes a fool of himself)

Rick: I always knew he wasn't right in the head, even before I knew of his past troubles.

Cope: Oh God here it comes.

(Squishy tells of Sylvia; the ensuing vomit fest)

Jo: "The Day the Senate Lost Its Lunch".

Cope: Never forget…

Sylvia: I honestly didn't imagine people would take it so badly.

Anna: Yeah, well, the galaxy wasn't so broad-minded in certain areas, sex for some reason being one of them (Even though there's a planet called _Whorescant_ for Pete's sake).

(Search for evidence; the next day revelations; Halifax's true identity; Contractor's intervention and the court battle; Sylvia's entrance)

Sara: That dong Contractor again: Coming to mess up things.

Jo: Though it did lead the way for Sylvia to make that sweet entrance.

Stan: Yeah Mom; you were awesome out there.

Sylvia: And this was before I became a Jedi.

(Squishy's rock-off with Contractor; the party afterwards; Squishy's explanation about Sylvia)

Sylvia: And of course here's where Squishy tells you all about me.

Sara: It was a very sweet story.

(Sylvia's kidnapping; Squishy's departure)

Sally: Mom's kidnapping…

Sylvia: All I remembered was being lifted, dumped onto some shuttle and then getting knocked out. The rest is a blank until Squishy freed me of the Contractor.

Jo: I guess this is where we see the whole story.

(Squishy's arrival on Almania; his tussle with the swordsmen and Zero, while a red-haired watches from the bar)

Jo: Daaaang! He took on all these dudes!?

Cope: The Kill Bill was strong in him.

Sara: Looked painful in some instances.

Sylvia: But he wouldn't let up, he told me. Not while I was in danger.

(The Contractor's scheme and the uncertain battle with Sylvia: Squishy's rendition of "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"; Sylvia's freedom and the couple's combined pwning of Contractor before all Curscant)

Sara: I sorta cried when Squishy sang that song. And the one you two played was also wonderful.

Rick: He looked on the verge of breaking there... Dad really did want to save you.

Sylvia: His voice woke me from my slumber, and when I could see again I knew: My knight had come to rescue me.

Anna: And with every heartfelt rescue there's a wedding.

Sylvia: Well, actually, before that, (Flash)

Cope: Dear God NOO!

Jo: Dude! Nasty!

Will: Ugh…

Anna: MY EYES AGAIN!

Sally: Huh….

(Flash. The wedding and end of trilogy)

Sylvia: The whole kidnapping and rock-out ordeal got both of us riled up and we felt that—

Cope: (On ground shivering) Please… no more… guh…

(Flash. The beginning of 5th trilogy: The intro of the Jaa-Ruuk eggs and the Jedi's reaction)

Cope: Oh typical… after that I get to be reminded of this again…..

Sylvia: Ah, my little angels. Me and your father were so overjoyed at such a miracle happening. Though I was astonished at first, I was nonetheless happy with you three being our blessing.

Sally: Awwwww. I look so cute.

Rick: How can you tell? They look the same.

Stan: "They" are us, bro. Try being more sensitive.

Rick: I'm just stating what's right—

Anna: Scene change!

(Flash. The baby shower; the egg-napping; the couple making off after the thief Bowser and eventually meeting Contractor again)

Jo: The night Bowser stole your eggs, and when you two jacked our ride.

Sylvia: We were in a hurry, Jo. We didn't have time to be cordial.

Will: You should've been, though, considering where you'd end up.

(The start of the egg chase; the exploits of the searching couple up to RE4)

Sylvia: Your father and I went through a lot trying to get you three back, Kefka being the worst of them. If he had you for good then I would've torn up that world pixel by pixel. But you three somehow helped us out whenever we got to you, and it was amazing what you did.

Sally: I don't remember doing any of that stuff.

Stan: Weird…

(The showdown with Wesker. When one of the eggs starts fighting him, Rick gasps)

Stan: Rick?

Anna: What is it?

Rick: I've seen this before, in my dreams… I sometimes see a blurred image of that monster, but I never knew why.

Will: Guess that was you fighting it, huh?

Rick: Yeah…..

(Wesker's defeat; Contractor's arrival; the Gaming Magi arrive, scare off Contractor, and their gift to the way you do now.

Rick: What?! They're the ones—?!

Stan: So Dad wasn't just saying things: We really were blessed by Gods.

Sally: Awesome!

Rick: Hmmm…

(End of 5th trilogy; the start of trilogy 6; Contractor and his declaration; the monkey chase & face off at station)

Will: Ah yeah: When the Contractor declared war.

Sylvia: And tried to kill you three, that b****rd.

Stan: We're still alive because of the Admiral and Uncle Chris.

Sally: Our escape was fun!

(The space battle; the briefing room aboard Home One, where a certain red-head is in attendance)

Sally: Hey, who's that guy?

Anna: What guy?

Sally: That skinny guy with the messy orange hair.

Jo: Probably just a rando used to fill the scenery.

Sally: But, I've seen him elsewhere...

(The invasion of Mon Calamari; the air battle against MM bots)

Sally: Ooh, there's us: Saving the day!

Sylvia: Utterly reckless and foolish was what you did.

Rick: Yes mother, you've scolded enough about it for days after.

Sylvia: And don't you forget, even if you are skilled Jedi Masters.

(Now we get to the sea battles against Duff's fleet)

Will: The most worthwhile fight of the whole campaign was with Duff.

Jo: Yeah: That's a soldier for ya.

(The ensuing land battles and escape)

Sylvia: It was hectic on that island.

Anna: But we got through it intact as always.

Jo: You know, Private Jennings talked to me about Chris and a certain robotic monkey—

Cope: We know, Jo; Chris bragged all about it while we were stoned.

Sara: Oh, if only I was there to bury the poor thing. At least it could've received a decent burial for what it went through…

(The appearance of Contractor's HQ; the Jedi infiltration and battles; the great battle against the fusion Contractor and his internet form)

Will: That fight was pretty intense.

Cope: A bit cheesy in some places, though.

Anna: Yeah, like the Mentos part.

Sylvia: And there was how the Contractor spoke to us before the fight, as if he was showing his true feelings for us. But after all the things he did to us, I still don't believe that he cares for us.

Will: Well, considering that he's our creator, he probably doesn't need to justify his actions to his creations.

Cope: He also brought us back from annihilation. Don't forget that.

Sylvia: Hmm, yes. Something I haven't really given time to consider, if I'm being honest.

(The acceptance of the nerds; various scenes of the First nerd rebellions; the beginning of Tril. 7 Ep. 1)

Sally: Our big entrance!

Stan: Man I was a putz back then.

Anna: Aren't you still one?

Jo: And here comes big ol' Richter.

Rick: Hm?

(Rick's entrance; the argument on Home One; the Jedi witness Rick's wrath and sorrow)

Sally: …..That moment still haunts me in some ways. And it really wasn't you who did it, right?

Rick: There's no denying that those people died at my claws. But definitely not of my own free will. The only things I remembered from this incident was standing amidst those scorched bodies. Once the singing began, I lost clarity again. The Contractor made me kill those people and there wasn't a thing I could do about it…

Sally: Rick…

Rick: But that's in the past and I've come to live with it. I'm stronger than I was then.

Will: Good to hear.

Cope: Definitely.

(Now there is the "Bohemian Rhapsody" moment; the attack on Coruscant; the appearance of Bowser, Kefka, and Wesker; the guitar battle between Squishy and Rick)

Jo: Now that looks pretty cool.

(The arrival on Korriban; the rise of the battle stage and the fights on it; Contractor's plot is revealed and cannons are fired; the Boston scene)

Jo: I have to say, I had one sexy voice.

Anna: Yeah yeah yeah.

(Contractor's defeat; the talk on the yellow submarine; the after party)

Sara: And there ends one rocking trilogy.

Cope: It was mostly Rick, though.

Anna: What are you talking about? You had that Splinter Cell bit all to yourself.

Cope: Oh yeah.

(When different scenes appear, things have taken on a darker gray hue)

Will: Uh-oh... Guys? It's gotten colder.

Cope: Yeah: It's _that_ time.

Sally: Oh no.

Sylvia: …

(The Jedi's arrival to Bilbringi; their walk on the rock; the first meeting with the Financer)

Sara: Him…

Anna: I thought he was some pasty emo at first, but after the way he talked I thought he'd be just another nutjob like Contractor.

Cope: But turned out, a nutjob on a whole other frightening level.

Jo: Goes to show: First impressions aren't always accurate.

(The distress call from Steezy; then speeding for Jawa Home)

Sara: It was so sudden when he called. It was hard to imagine—

(Flash. Suddenly the Financer is staring at them, grinning maliciously in a sea of flames and corpses)

Stan: Huh!?

 _Hey, kiddos. Curious about what you missed?_

(Suddenly everyone is bombarded with images of Financer cutting his way through Jawa Home, and of his bloody beatdown of Steezy)

Cope: What's happening?!

Will: Was that Jawa Home?

(More rapid scenes. Then it settles on the outer orbit of Mon Calamari)

Jo: What the h*** just happened?

Anna: Even in memories that d***bag f***s things up!

Sally: I'm scared.

Rick: I am a little too, sis.

Stan: Look!

(The sight of Jawa Home slowly burning towards the planet. The last transmission from Steezy)

Sally: Oh no. Not this again.

Will: The moment when it got more real than we could have ever imagined.

(The planet explodes. Now there's a speed series of shots of the Financer reigning destruction in various places before it stops on him standing amid a sea of fire. His scythe is held across his shoulders with one hand, and he looks up with an evil smile before turning and walking away slowly)

 _Enjoy the show._

(An eye opens with a screech before things settle into darkness)

Cope: I am not liking this!

Sara: Do you think he's here?

Anna: If he were I don't think he'd just keep buzzing off.

Jo: Stay on guard just in case.

Stan: Right!

(Scenes on Home One; the argument and fight; the flight to Kuat; when the Sparrow is shot back there are flashes of the Financer destroying the fleet and Kuat; their recovery and them finding Coruscant moving; flying over the cityscape and Stan making his jump)

Stan: After everything the Financer did… I couldn't just stand by and do nothing, like I always did. I had to face him: It was in my soul.

Sylvia: Stanley…

(The Jedi land and rush across the rooftops only to be lifted up to the tallest building. They stand before Financer and the wounded Stan)

Sally: (Going pale) No… nooo….. (Stan goes to hold her)

Stan: I'm still here, Sal. (Sally holds him back)

Sally: I know, it's just… So awful...

(The death and crumbling of Stan and the horror-stricken looks of all those who witnessed it. Stan takes to this with mixed emotions as the spectral Financer laughed and laughed)

Jo: Never before had we witnessed a death that intense… that emotionally shattering…

Will: The twisted sadistic b****rd… All just for kicks.

Stan: I let my emotions blind me; to underestimate him. If I hadn't run off, none of you had to see that. (Rick joins his siblings)

Rick: It's understandable: I was conflicted as to what to do in seeing him go by.

(There's a great flash when Coruscant is obliterated and there's pure darkness. The Forecloser's arrival; Financer's new look; the deaths of nearly every Jedi, replayed to everyone's discomfort. The death of Sally)

Stan: Oh god…

(It's just Squishy and Sylvia before the massive behemoth; the snatching of Sylvia and Financer's rant)

Anna: What's he going on about?

Cope: Ackbar's niece? Bondage? Just how f***ed in the head was he to be rambling about all that?

Sylvia: I don't know what he was talking about. Something to further torment Squishy with as he was crushing me, I suppose. But, that turned out to be overconfidence.

(Squishy deflects Financer, then there's the growing thud of a heartbeat)

Sara: Huh? What's with Squishy?

Will: I don't like where there is going.

(Sylvia grins)

Rick: Mom?

Sylvia: The moment the Financer lost.

(There's a great explosion of light)

Jo: Whoa!

(The Crimson Waltz appears to the awe of the observing Jedi. They bear witness to its attack and mutilation of the Financer, and wince at his fiery finish. Then it becomes Squishy again and it's all quiet)

Jo: What the fff**k was that?! What was that thing!?

Sylvia: …

Jo: Sylvia!

Sylvia: …Squishy saving me again.

(The Jedi look over to see Squishy's resolve and final farewell; the heartfelt separation of the two as Squishy falls into the darkness. Sylvia lowers her head and sheds a tear at this)

Sara: Sylvia…

Sylvia: Still a little hard to see again, but…. (Rubs tear) I know it's alright.

(Everything becomes white and we see Squishy falling in slo-mo down the alabaster void)

Sally: What's this?

(We see the Contractor appear next to the falling Jawa, smiling and giving a little wave before shooting up from him. In the split second before the next flash, the orange-haired stranger looks back and waves)

(Now Squishy stood amidst a pixelated forest of fog)

Rick: Where is this?

Cope: Back in Chrono Trigger. At least, his arrival in it.

Jo: That Toma guy wasn't lying.

Will: I doubt Toma would've come up with such a story otherwise.

(All scenes that follow lose their gray hue little by little, revealing more color. Squishy fights some monsters; Squishy talks to Toma. Flash. Squishy is at the cliff from before and is looking around)

Jo: Looky there.

(Squishy drops a guitar string and then falls off the cliff)

Jo: Hot dog! You were right on the money, Sylv!

Anna: Enough acknowledgments; after that midget!

(They all leap off the cliff. Flash. Squishy wanders the streets of Zanarkand)

Will: We're on to him now. The paths start to converge.

Jo: Just a little closer… (Flash. Squishy stands before Sin) Almost there…

(Flash. Squishy is running across a barren, rocky landscape beneath a gray sky)

Cope: This is new.

Sara: Is this another trial?

Will: Could be.

(Flash. Now Squishy stands before a great structure. He walks up to it and enters the doors, creating another flash. This time the Jedi stand on a precipice before this structure, everything back in full color. An earthen bridge slopes down leading to the entrance of the structure, while floating around it are transparent screens replaying the memories that had occurred. The Jedi stand around waiting for something to happen, but then)

Rick: End of the road.

Jo: Huh?

Will: I think this is where the memories stop. Notice the colors?

Jo: Oh yeah. Huh, that was one lengthy transition.

Sylvia: Which means Squishy's in there.

Cope: Most likely. Possibly a trap, as well.

Sara: This place is freaking me out. Look at those screens

(They notice the recorded visual displays)

Anna: Something's definitely up with this place.

Will: I can't help but feel something familiar about the air…

(Sylvia starts heading for the door)

Sylvia: Enough speculating. That has to be the final gate, I'm going in and face what's inside.

Stan: Hey Mom! Wait up!

Sally: Yeah Mom!

Anna: We wanna end this thing too, ya know.

Jo: So quit being so antsy, we're coming already.

(They join Sylvia and stand before the door)

Rick: Nervous, Mom?

Sylvia: Of course.

Cope: Take as much time as you need to ready yourself.

Jo: I think she's past that, Alex.

Sylvia: No, I appreciate the advice. Thank you, Alex. And thank all of you for the help you've given, for coming with me… and for all you've done for me and Squishy over the years.

Will: Hey, you're both Jedi and friend. We gotta stick together always.

Anna: Now open her up and let's do this!

Sylvia: Alright. (Grabs the knob) One last time.

(Turns the knob and the door goes back letting out a great light that consumes everything)

* * *

 _The thing that ultimately drew me to him was the childlike wonder he expressed whenever he explained or showed me the different places and cultures of the galaxy. He had this simple outlook and appreciation for everything around him, but at the same time he had this deep understanding of the interconnection of all of it. He spoke of wanting everyone to get along, to not needlessly end one another's lives over misunderstandings and lingering spite. To let go of past grievances and live toward a better future._

 _That this tiny creature, of the lowest class of scavenger of a backwater planet, could comprehend and seek out this galactic harmony astounded me. Yet Jawa Home and what it stood for had become a reality. Its construction involved the aid of my kind, and it proved as much a success as a shock to the Republic upon its unveiling. And he had made it happen through determination and an earnest belief that there was goodness in everyone, and therefore anyone could have a second chance. If a little Jawa could become more than his origins and ancestry would dictate, then why not Ssi-Ruuk, or anyone?_

 _That is what ultimately made me fall in love with him… along with his simple outlook, easy-to-please nature, non-existent alcohol tolerance, and his other quirks. But it was that good heart that opened my eyes and my mind, gave me the greatest happiness, and my greatest comfort in times of despair and uncertainty. A heart that gave me and my kind, and so many other races out there, a chance to break out from ourselves and enjoy this massive galaxy and discover things worthwhile and meaningful._

 _And that heart is exactly what I'm saving no matter whatever or whoever waits for me behind that door._

* * *

Verse 9

Fate

\- The journey is at an end. I'm of no further use to you, Dave. Good-bye. *beep*….

* * *

(They enter a lab of some kind, but a rather barren one. The floor is metal and the walls and ceilings are lined with nothing but large metal tubes. The layout is akin to a circular arena, with a 30-foot radius and a ceiling height of 100 feet)

Jo: Whoa… Spacious as all Hell…

(In the center of the room is a gigantic pod matching the height of the room filled with a green light/fluid. The Jedi walk slowly to it for a better look)

Sara: What is that?

Cope: Seems to be a container, of what I don't know.

(Something can be seen in the pod)

Anna: Wait, isn't that…?

(Zoom in to reveal the unconscious Jawa floating in the center of the bubbling liquid)

All: SQUISHY!

Stan: It's him! We've found Dad!

Sally: Daddy, we're here!

Jo: But what's he doing in that thing?

Old Voice: Oh my, is that visitors I hear?

(There's a steady tapping of wood on metal, then from behind the pod someone walks into sight. It's a slightly hunched man of 5'9'' walking with a plain wooden cane, with thinning blonde hair and a coarse stubble of a beard. His face is adorned with thick spectacles, and he wears a brown suit befitting a college professor. He stops by the pod and places his hands on his cane)

Old Man: Oh, the Jedi? Here? How unexpected, but not unwanted. I welcome all visitors, though I wish I had the forethought to prepare refreshments or pull out some chairs at least. (The Jedi just gawk at him) Is something the matter?

Rick: Who…. are you?

Old Man: Oh! My sincerest apologies. My name is the Accountant: Embodiment of wisdom and maturity. And you are undoubtedly the Jedi that has gotten our Master so flustered. Please accept my humblest, warmest welcome at gracing me with your presence, and forgive the lack of accommodations. I rarely get the privilege to entertain guests, as you can imagine.

Sylvia:...So another agent of the "Master", like the Financer.

Accountant: You would be correct, though I'm nothing at all like that psychopathic brute I assure you. His… dossier is more suited to a department separate from mine.

Will: But you know him?

Acc: Of course I do: We both work for the Master, after all. Ergo, we know one another by default; it's in our very nature.

Rick: And that would include the Contractor.

Acc: Definitely. He is especially important in our operations. A close friend to the Master, actually.

Anna: Hold on hold on hold on! What do you mean he's a close friend? You're saying you three work for this "Master" like some kind of firm?

Acc: Yes, that's a rather succinct way of imagining it.

Stan: So if it's a business, then what exactly do you and the Financer and Contractor do?

Acc: Why, we create. Or rather, a small division of us create. You see, we all represent multiple facets of a core personality—the Master—and carry out tasks and duties befitting the aspect we represent, or embody, rather. At this present moment, I'm carrying out the Master's latest endeavor, which is how I came into custody of this interesting specimen before us. (Points cane at Squishy's pod)

Sara: What are you gonna do with Squishy?

Acc: The one you call "Squishy" has been designated for Recycling: An order to be carried out with due haste.

Cope: Recycling?

Anna: Hold up, bub. Since when do people like Squishy get put into recycling? He might be nothing but sand for all I know, but I don't see that as grounds for making him something else.

Stan: Yeah!

Cc: Oh dear… Oh dear oh dear oh dear. (Shakes head)

Jo: What are you "oh dearing" about, old guy?

Acc: Either you have forgotten or the Financer wasn't very thorough in his discourse (most likely the latter). To properly amend your misconceptions, I will have to explain the workings of the universe as it is. It could take time, but it is an obligation for me to inform the unfamiliar. Are you willing to listen? It's quite a lot of exposition.

Sylvia: Go ahead.

Will: Really gonna bite the bullet on this one, huh?

Acc: If only you knew the gratitude I feel at hearing such approval. I'll try to keep it as digestible as possible for easier referral. A-hem! Since the dawn of the Master's imagination, He has always sought to create beings of the most wondrous natures. And as He held great emphasis on creating new things, so too did He emphasize recycling such things. Whenever He decided on a new construct, He would utilize aspects of former projects, as well as preexisting memories and experiences. You Jedi are a prime example of this.

Sara: What?

Acc: Do you recall how the Contractor, at your first meeting, explained that you were all created based on the characteristics of his friends in the "real" world? You're not the first of this type of construct. Long before your characters were conceived, the Master had devised personalities based on other acquaintances with which He had the Contractor create to His liking. Though your own personalities are unique and ultimately your own, the technique used in their base creation has been a time-honored method used in the Master's methodology. This method also made the matter of making things quick, convenient and with as little clutter as possible.

Will: So if we're based off current friends as you put it, what about the other characters based on friends?

(A pause among the group as understanding hits)

Sara: Ohhh. That's, "recycling"...

Acc: Precisely. (Pause) Actually, that's not entirely true. Though things get recycled in the grand schema of the Master's creativity, it's not always immediate. Sometimes previous ideas and interests are put aside and await to be reused for something new. Being put on the "back burner", essentially.

Rick: What about me? Am I based off some kind of "friend"?

Stan: And me.

Sally: Me too!

Acc: Oh, nothing of the sort. You three are original: A very rare case within the workings of our beloved Master. You were introduced to add more emotional family dynamics to an increasingly more mature storyline, which brings me to another point. You may have noticed that lately your exploits have become more structured, serious and less bogged in silly frivolity that the first entries consisted of. That is a sign that the Master is maturing out of a phase meant to be short term, for His sake.

Cope: What do you mean by "short term"? You mean we weren't supposed to be around for this long?

Acc: Difficult to hear, I know, but it's the truth. It was only supposed to be the original hectology, and nothing more. But after a time boredom struck, and the Master had Contractor begin the series from where he left off. Master quickly realized the folly of this rash decision, however, and ordered Contractor to scrap the project after the third trilogy. But the Contractor hesitated, for he held a special attachment to this particular universe he had constructed. Thus he sought to prolong your existence via contrived means of antagonism which formed the basis of the ensuing trilogies. The Master knew of his reluctance and accepted this delay, but inevitably His patience wore thin and He had finally had enough.

Which is what led to the Financer being reassigned for the task.

Sylvia: Why did you sic the Financer on us? To get back at us for making you uncomfortable with our existence?!

Acc: We sent the Financer because he was an Embodiment who felt attachment to nothing and would therefore carry out the order without hesitation. That being said, on behalf of this organization, I apologize deeply for the psychological and physical anguish put upon you by the Financer's action.

Jo: Apologize?! All the messed-up crap we saw and endured and the best you can do is apologize?

Anna: I've seen mutilations the likes of which not even _I_ have imagined!

Stan: He killed my uncle and _me_!

Acc: Yes yes yes I know. Please, at ease with yourselves. We never intended for the Financer to perform those atrocities. In fact, it's nothing at all what the Master had originally wanted.

Rick: Did your Master wish for us to wipe each other out in a war? Kill one other to save yourselves the trouble, was that it?

Acc: No no no, again not at all. The Master only wanted you to be blinked from existence: No pain or feeling whatsoever. The Contractor had the ability to do that with a simple snap of his fingers, and so did the Financer when we gave him the authorization. Yet that malicious cad chose instead to drag out his assignment by exacting the torment and devastation you're so well acquainted with. We allowed him to continue because he _was_ carrying out his task, but had we known what he was really trying to accomplish with his little rampage... Only now it's clear that he sought to make things so dire, so miserable, so hopeless that it would bring about a depressive state which threatened the Master's well-being.

Sylvia: The Forecloser.

Acc: Yes, surely he told you on the precipice of total victory. He wanted to destroy everything; not just your own universe, but the very foundations that make your state of reality possible. And he very well nearly succeeded. But then, miraculously, that one ounce of the Master's inner will struck back, summoned the Contractor and sealed away the Forecloser. As his nefarious ploy was tantamount to treason, the Financer was thereby sentenced to imprisonment and forever denied the powers of an Overseer.

After that fiasco, the Master had a change of heart regarding your universe. He made a decree that the Contractor can rule his realm by his design and do what he sees fit. That means that your existence is safe and allowed to continue expanding for as much as the Contractor's imagination allows. Of course, the true reason for this leniency was the acquisition of yon Squishy here. (Points cane at Squishy again)

Sylvia: Why is Squishy so important to you?

Acc: He is a rather interesting case. Originally, he was to be the lead character in a Final Fantasy 9 spin-off, under the designation of Crimson Waltz: An obvious offshoot of the more infamous Black Waltz. However, the idea was scrapped before it was written, and the snippets of the concept were used in the build-up of Squishy. Yet he is far more than mere leftovers. He has inherited much of the Contractor's spirit, and consequently that of the Master. Though in the form of a lowly Jawa, he exhibited the same capacities for kindness, buffoonery, creativity, and determination as the Master. In essence, he is the writer's gestalt spirit incarnate. The self-insert. The very soul of His stories

Imagine our surprise when Squishy practically delivered himself to us in his bid to summon the Contractor. When he first arrived in the world of gaming, his meteoric descent had created several rifts between various genres, leading to chaotic fusions. He had hoped to return to his realm via one of these rifts, that belonging to Sin. But luckily he ended up here, allowing us to begin the Procedure. And yet it hasn't been quite so simple. He still manages to resist us, even in his present state.

Cope: Resist you? How so?

Acc: The Jawa holds powers he's unaware of. Not that middling Force of yours, but that on the level of the Master. He's been subconsciously reaching out to you, his friends, for some time now. He especially reached out to you, Sylvia, when you had fallen to your lowest point and was on the verge of surrendering during your little rest.

Sylvia: (Surprised) How do you know that?

Acc: We are ever observant. We know your thoughts, your plans, your triumphs and failures, and even the little things of interest you come across, including, (Holds up a strategy guide) this little plot device.

Jo: So that's where it went!

Acc: Ah yes, the strategy guide which you found conveniently near your campsite. Quite helpful in explaining the current situation and aiding your search, wasn't it? (Opens cover) Copeland, you had asked who would know all that was happening around you. On the inside of the cover's top right corner there is a nice indicator typed in bold, 12-font Times New Roman: Squish Co. (Taps beneath this sign with one finger)

Sara: I figured that's where we'd find a publisher.

Acc: This strategy guide was created by Squishy's thoughts in his attempt to assist you: Proof that Squishy was aware of your search. A devious tact that could be admired by a certain member of our staff. (Tosses away guide, which poofs out) However, belligerence such as this could prove troublesome for the Master's endeavors, hence the Recycling is to happen posthaste, without further interruption.

Will: So you're not going to let him go.

Acc: Yes, I believe that's fairly obvious after all I've just relayed, William.

Anna: So after all we went through and all the meta malarkey you plugged our ears with, we can't have Squishy back?!

Acc: Acrimonious as it is to swallow this Procedure has been delayed long enough. The Master desires new ground to break and this lingering essence needs to be reconfigured to make that happened.

Sally: Stop talking about Dad like he's some kinda chemical for your experiment! (Steps forward) Did he tell you he wanted to be "recycled"? That he didn't want to come back and see his family? No; you decided that for him, just because your master is bored! Don't you think he'd want a say in this after everything he's been through? After seeing his friends die, his sons and daughter die, don't you think he'd want to see them and know that they're okay? Bet that didn't even cross your mind, Mr. Do-What-I'm-Told-Fogey-Stuffington!

Jo: Whoa Sal…

Sally: And you go telling us, his family, that he can't come back, despite what we had to do to get here? My mom's been through enough, Stan's been through enough, I bet Rick's been through enough, and I most definitely have had enough! I don't care what your Master wants; we're here to get back my Dad!

Stan: That's right! (Steps forward) We came to help Mom and we're not leaving empty-handed.

Sylvia: (Steps forward) These are the children of that man in that tube, proof that he still has a place in the universe you so look down upon. And as their mother and his wife, I say to you that there will be no "recycling" of my husband.

Rick: (Steps forward) Looks like that new project will have to be put on indefinite hold, because you're getting no approval from us.

Acc: (Serious) Poor deluded vehement reptiles. What is the approval of mortals on matters dictated by the gods? The Master's will is law, and His say is final. Now, I suggest you remain still and quietly observe what figments normally aren't privy to, or else I can make your stay here a rather regrettable one.

Jo: Guys, group huddle.

(Jedi huddle up in a circle)

Jo: First off, real bold display you put on there, Sal.

Sally: Thanks!

Jo: But right now we're edging toward big showdown territory. I can feel it.

Sara: What do we do? We've come so far.

Rick: A full-frontal assault may not be the best approach. He may look advanced in years, but like Jo said, we shouldn't fall for first impressions.

Sylvia: And he could do something to your father if we attempt that.

Will: What if there's a way to break him out without fighting him?

Anna: How do you think we can manage that? Not exactly anything to slink along out of sight.

Jo: Put we can still be sneaky if we…

(They continue whispering among themselves as the Accountant looks on with a ponderous eye. Then the Jedi break up and stand around)

Acc: Finished your little discussion?

Jo: Yes we have, and we've decided that there's no arguing your case. Therefore, you are free to carry out your procedure.

Acc: (Rubs chin) Reeally? You seemed rather opposed to it only moments again.

Jo: Yes but that was from the younger members of the group, who don't represent the opinions or views of the party as a whole. Naturally hearing something like their father being repurposed without consent can be upsetting, but luckily they have their elders to sort them out and calmly explain the— RAGGLEFRAGGLE!

(Tosses activated saber at Accountant in a flash. However the saber hits a large blue, spike-lined shield and bounces back to a surprised Jo)

Jo: Wha!?

(The large shield folds and collapses into the Accountant's left arm)

Acc: You shouldn't be fooled by my frail appearance, Joseph: I am neither slow nor senile. I can exhibit the same powers as either the Financer or your loving Contractor, which I won't hesitate to use to ensure that the Master's orders are carried out. And right now, the Master is in a mood for, (Zoom in on face) Dragons.

All: HUUUUH!?

Cope: Dragons?!

Ac: Quite. The Master has harbored some recent interest in the Dread Serpent, and they will be realized in a grand fashion. That is because I, his most dedicated and organized servant, shall be the one to carry it out, as you will now see.

(Sticks arm out. There's a great mechanical whirring and four rectangular parts of the lab wall retract. From the holes come four other large green pods that form a 4-point circle around Squishy's pod. Each of these pods holds a different dragon in stasis)

Acc: A marvelous combination: The being of Squishy, fused with the likes of Bahamut, Legna, Smaug, and the Blue Eyes White Dragon will produce a creature that will leave the fantasy genre trembling! All of Squishy's power and none of his consciousness will fuel this beast into becoming the Master's most awe-inspiring creation Ever!

Jo: You're mad, man!

Acc: No, not mad. I'm merely expressing the Master's ecstasy over this event. As we speak, all those who are linked to Him are clamoring for the arrival of this new vision. So without further ado, I present to you esteemed Jedi, Imagination's Latest, Greatest Bounty!

(Sticks out arms. The four dragon pods go toward and merge with the center pod. When the five beings touch each other, a great light completely fills the pod. A moment later the light dims and with a great shatter and roar the pod explodes and something immense hits the lab floor with a great rumble. The Jedi behold with awed shock a great dragon of about 70 feet in length and 50 in height, with great claws, a long neck and scales of blackest pitch. Parts of its body are covered in brown fabric, including the head, but it couldn't conceal its massive yellow eyes and huge mouth brimming with flames. It gives off another roar that shakes the lab as Accountant stands there with his arms out)

Acc: Triumphant! Marvelous! Beautiful! Truly an idol of pure adulation! (Turns to Jedi) Oh, I just remembered something of interest pertaining to your universe. The Master had just sent out a memo that its deconstruction is simply postponed, meaning it will be carried out at a later time. That in mind, seeing how you the surviving main characters are here, methinks considerable time could be saved if you were to disappear here and now. For the Master's benefit. (Sticks arm out at Jedi)

Dragon! Unleash your might and trounce these outdated heroes.

(The dragon looks over at the Jedi and stomps toward them. It towers before them as they continue to stare in awed disbelief)

Will: Well… can't say we've faced something quite like this before.

(The dragon gives off a screen rattling roar)

Jo: SCATTER!

(The Jedi disperse before a massive claw slams the spot they were standing on. As they run around it, the dragon turns around after one group thrashing its tail about. The Jedi dodge its claw and tail swipes for a while before it unleashes a great fiery stream from its mouth. The Jedi disperse again, but Jo gets caught on the tail and swings around until he goes spinning off. Cope and Rick get knocked down by claw swipes, and the rest of the Jedi start running across the lab. The dragon rears up and with a great heave launches itself clear across the place and lands before the Jedi, creating a tremor that shakes the place and knocks the others to the floor. The dragon starts gnashing at them with its teeth, making them spring back. A loose flame from a nostril hits Stan and sends him bouncing around)

Stan: Hothothothothothothot!

(A tail swipe knocks all of them flying back to where the other three are. They quickly get up and regroup)

Anna: Holy crap that thing's a pain in the a**!

Rick: It can cover so much of the room. There's no outrunning it.

Cope: Then we'll just have to fight it!

Jo: Good call, Alex! (Brandishes saber) Go for the eyes and start carving up everything down from there. Got that, guys?

Jedi: Yeah!

Sylvia: Wait!

Rick: Huh? What for?

Sylvia: There's something about it that feels…

(Get a look of the dragon, and suddenly there's a passing flash of a comatose Squishy before it before it's gone again)

Sylvia: He's in there; Squishy's still in there!

Anna: Duh he's in there: He fused into that thing!

Sylvia: No, you must have felt it just now. It's being suppressed by the other dragons, but Squishy's subconscious is trying to reach out. We can't kill it while he's still in there.

Sara: So we just defend ourselves until we get an opening.

Will: Dunno how good that'll do us, honey, with how much he's whacked us around.

Rick: Then we just need to stay mobile and strategize on the go.

(Another roar comes from the dragon. Suddenly from the fabric on its back sprouts two great, leathery wings that extend to the edges of the lab. It gives a great flap, which conjures a gust that sends the Jedi flying back into the far wall and hit the floor groaning. Accountant sticks out a palm, and a large cage forms around the Jedi, trapping them. Stan claws the bars and Cope and Jo slash with their sabers, but to no avail.)

Stan: D***it! We're trapped! We're trapped!

Michael Colyar: No! We're gonna die!

(There's a stomping, and all the Jedi turn to look at the great dragon approaching them. The Accountant looms nearby with a slight smirk)

Acc: So the saga reaches its end. A necessary step in the writing process: For the old concepts to wither away to allow new ones to grow and blossom, along with fresh new successes and accolades of pride and accomplishment. You will be missed, of course, for the part you played in His previous endeavor, but as the saying goes: The show has to go on. (To dragon) As you were, my pet.

(The dragon fills its mouth with fire and readies the final blast to finish off the Jedi. Our heroes stand in the cage facing their end)

Jo: I guess this is it, guys.

Michael Colyar: Not for me: I'm just here for the quickie cameo. (Putters away on scooter)

Cope: Well, can't say I was expecting this outcome after all that we did. At least I got in one bad-a** moment.

Sally: This can't be the real end, is it Mom?

Sylvia: I-I-I don't know….

Will: It was nice knowing everyone. Come here, Sara.

(They embrace. The dragon has its vicious gaze on them, their fate certain. It's all over.)

 **(X)The(X)** **End(X)**

 **Not without** _ **my**_ **say it isn't!**

Acc: Hm?

?: KEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(A portal rips in the air of the lab and flying out with a flying kick comes Steezy! Wait, huh!?)

Jedi: STEEZY!?

(The flying lizard comes at the dragon and hits it hard in the face with his foot. The dragon gives off a pained roar and falls back with a thunderous crash, knocked out from the blow. Leaping from the kick, Steezy flips through the air toward the Jedi and slashes through the cage's bars, freeing them. He lands and poses as happy time action music plays. Nearby the Accountant is quivering with conniptions)

Acc: I say, this is a restricted area; who gave you permission to come in here kicking my creation and yelling like some madman? You're interrupting a very crucial ceremony and being incredibly coarse about i—

Steezy: Begone, Thot!

(Throws a Japanese paper talisman at Accountant, which slaps and sticks to his forehead, forcing him to jank about)

Acc: The devil?! (Flops over stiff and silent)

Steezy: That should hold him for a while. (Looks to Jedi) You guys alright? Seems I got here just in time.

Jo: Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh—

Cope: Steezy! What the freak are you doing here?

Sara: We left you back home, didn't we?

Anna: How did you break those bars?

Steezy: Eh, bit of a power boost.

Stan: You mean you got Force powers?

Sally: Awesome!

Steezy: No, I didn't get Force powers, guys. I'm not that lucky.

Sylvia: Then how did you get here?

Will: Yeah, what gives?

Steezy: You probably won't believe it, but something really strange happened: The Contractor appeared and sent me here.

Jedi: Huh-WHAAAAA!? (Scandalous!)

Jo: You're serious?

Steezy: Absolutely-flippin' serious. I was just sitting around Jawa Home when the Contractor popped up before me and said that I had to help you guys. Before I could say anything he sucked me into some wormhole. While in there he got me up to speed as to what's going down and how I could help you. And from the looks of things, he wasn't yanking my crank.

Cope: Unbelievable… just when it couldn't get any more random this happens.

Sara: The Contractor helping us? Could it really be?

Sylvia: That… can't be right, can it?

Steezy: It certainly is, sis; I'm as wigged out about it as you. But in any case, that thing I slapped on gramps is gonna wear out in a bit so we gotta hurry. Squishy's in that thing, is that thing, right?

Will: Yeah.

Steezy: He wasn't kidding about that either. Okay everyone, you know the saying "music soothes the savage beast"? (Pulls out sheets of paper) These are music sheets. Each of you are to take one of these and follow the line of whatever instrument you're good at. It's that easy. (Passes out sheets to the Jedi) Here you go. Here you go. That's it. Uh-huh uh-huh. You'll be playing a critical part from what I can tell, sis. You're backing up your mom, Sal. This one's for you, Alex.

(Cope looks over music sheet)

Cope: This is what we're playing? Seems immensely schmaltzy.

Anna: I recall Squishy being big on schmaltz.

Cope: Ah, yes. Good point.

Steezy: Conveniently enough, I have this portable instruments locker on me. (Pulls out a small black box that inflates and expands into a massive closet that hits the ground with a thud) Get your assigned pieces and get into position!

(After a while everyone is in position: Will at drums; Sara with tambourine; Anna with violin; Cope with his portable piano; Jo with a sound mixer; and Steezy and Rick wielding guitars. The fallen dragon begins to stir)

Steezy: Rick, you're gonna back me up for this, 'kay?

Rick: Gotcha.

Stan: Hey, I'm backing you guys up too!

Steezy: You up for this?

Stan: Sure I am. I'll just use Mom's guitar.

Sally: Heh, Mom's guitar.

Stan: Didn't you say you'd cut back on the teasing?

Sally: Sorry.

Steezy: Focus, guys. It's now all up to you, sis. (Holds out a mic) Time to get this show a-rollin'.

(Sylvia takes the mic, and is revealed to be wearing Yuna's Singer sphere from FFX-2)

Sylvia: Is the outfit really necessary?

Steezy: Errm, Contractor said it'd help set the mood, but uh, it's probably not that important.

Sylvia: Right. (Rips off outfit, then holding up the mic to her she takes a deep breath) Here we go.

(She begins moving forward. Nearby, the Accountant finally gets up and tears off the talisman)

Acc: Confounded trinket. (Noticing group) What's all this?

(Sylvia stops before the dragon with mic raised. At this point the dragon is fully awake and mobile, looking to attack)

Sylvia: Squishy, though I cannot see you, I know you can hear me from somewhere in there, and I'm here to tell you that I, we will save you. I've been through a lot to get this far, and I will not back down no matter what you've become. (Pause) You saved me once through the power of song… Now's the time to return the favor. (Nods to the others, who ready their instruments)

Acc: Hmph. Resorting to this, I see.

(A dulcet techno beat plays out, followed by a guitar and then)

Sylvia: _I know that you're hi-ding things,_

 _Using gentle words to shelter me._

 _Your words were like a dream…_

 _But dreams could never fool me._

 _Not that eas-i-ly…._

 _I acted so distant then:_

 _Didn't say, goodbye before you left._ (Dragon remains at bay)

 _But I was list-en-ing._

 _You'll fight your battles far from me._

 _Far too eas-i-ly….._

 _"_ _Save your tears cuz I'll come back."_ (Lab warps with groove)

 _I could hear that you whispered as you walked, through, that door._

 _But still I swore,_

 _To hide, the pain, when I turn back the pages._

 _Shouting might have been the answer…_

 _What if I'd cried my eyes out and begged, you, not to depart?_

 _But now, I'm not, afraid, to say what's in my heeeart:_

(Doweoo!)

 _Though a thousand words!_

 _Have never been spo-ken._

 _They'll fly to you!_

 _Crossing over the time_

 _And distance hol-ding youuu._

 _Suspended on Silver Wiiiings!_

 _And a thousand words!_

 _One thousand confessions,_

 _Will cra-dle you!_

 _Making all of the pain, you feel seem far a-waay._

 _They'll hold you for-Eeeeeeeeveeeeer!_

(Steezy and Rick play out some acoustic riffs accompanied by Cope's piano. When it ends)

Sylvia: _The dream isn't o-ver yet,_ (Accountant remains staunch)

 _Though I often say, I can't forget._

 _I still relive that day….._

 _"_ _You've been there with me all the waay."_

 _I still hear, you, saaay….._ (Dooo-weeee-ooooo)

 _"_ _Wait for me I'll write you let-ters."_

 _I could see how you stammered with your eyes to the floor._

 _But still I swore:_

 _To hide the doubt when I turn back the pages._

 _Anger might have been the ans-wer….._

 _What if I'd hung my head and said that I, couldn't waait?_

 _But now, I'm strong, enough, to know, it's not tooo laaate._

(Doweoo!)

 _Cuz a thousand words!_

 _Call out through the ages._

 _They'll fly to you!_

 _Even though I can't see, I know they'r ereaching youu._

 _Suspended on sil-ver Wiiiings!_

 _Oh a thousand words!_

 _One thousand embraces._

 _Will cradle you!_

 _Making all of your weary, days seem far a-waaay._

 _They'll hold you for-Eeeeeeeveeeer!_

(Steezy unleashes a tear-jerking solo mixed with the emotion of Cope's piano. When it settles)

Sylvia: _Oh a thousand words!_

Sally: A thousand words.

Sylvia: _Have never been spoken._

Sally: Ohhhh yeah.

Sylvia: _They'll fly to you!_

 _They'll carry you home—_

Sally: Carr-y youuu!

Sylvia: _Back into my arrrms._

 _Suspended on sil-ver wiiiings!_

Sally: On silver wiiings!

Sylvia: _And a thousand words!_

Sally: Ohh!

Sylvia: _Call out through the ages!_

Sally: Called through the ages!

Sylvia: _They'll cra-dle youu!_

Sally: Ohh yeah!

Sylvia: Turning all of the years to only days!

Sally: Only days!

Sylvia: _They'll hold you For-EEEEEEVEEEEEEER!_

(The lab returns to normal as Steezy plays them out)

Sylvia: A thouuuuu-saaaaaand woooords…

(She hangs her head and catches her breath as Cope pianos the very last notes of the song. After that, everything is quiet and everyone stares at Sylvia. She looks hopefully at the dragon, tears seeping from her eyes. The dragon just remains still)

Dragon:...Syl… via…

(Light suddenly erupts out from the dragon's neck in various slanted beams. "Hikari-Kingdom Hearts [Instrumental]" starts playing as the light moves up the neck and into the mouth, where the dragon opens its jaws to let out a ball of yellow light. The dragon gives off a final roar before falling to the ground, where it erupts into hundreds of smaller light particles that disperse and fade away. The one great ball left comes down and settles amongst the Jedi. The ball forms into a single Jawa sitting on the ground as though asleep. The Jawa awakens)

Squishy: Ooooogggh. Man, my legs are stiff. (Looks up and around at all of his shocked, staring friends) Wait… Is, is that…?

Sara: Squishy!

Anna: Holy crap it's really you!

Jo: Great googily-moogily!

Squishy: I recognize that catchphrase… Oh my god, Jo! Anna! What happened to your hair, seriously? Will! Sara! You guys made it here! (Spots Cope) A-Alex, too?!

Cope: Don't get too choked up. Just upholding the tenants of Jedi brotherhood.

Anna: With considerably less arm-twisting, amazingly.

Steezy: But we all saved you as a team, dog!

Sally: Daddy's back!

Stan: Heck yeah!

Squishy: Kids! And Steezy too? You actually came out on a Jedi adventure, for me?

Steezy: Not exactly, Squishman. I tell you the details some other time.

(Sally rushes over and hugs Squishy)

Squishy: Umph! Oh god, Sal, it's so wonderful seeing you and your brothers again. It's been way too long.

Sally: It really has Daddy oh I'm so happy that you're alright and fine! We went across the video game world looking for you and fighting Sin and doing trials and Alex even said some things about my purity on the way here!

Squishy: That sounds like quite the handful you've wait hold on. (He looks right at Cope) I'm sorry, Copeland, what about my daughter's purity did you say?

Cope: Oh, uh, haha, that must'be been back in Chrono Trigger. But it had nothing to do with her chastity, I assure you. I was merely referring to how she was spawned from an unnatural pairing. And I meant nothing by it; it was a heat of the moment outburst. Tensions running high, you know.

Squishy: Oh, was that it? I guess that's alright.

Cope: Good. In any case, it is good to see you in one pi—

(Gets a flying sucker punch square in the face by Squishy. He hits the ground rubbing his face)

Cope: Ah, b***h!

(Squishy lands, flexing his hand)

Squishy: It's true: That does feel good. Heh heh. (He stumbles a bit, prompting Sylvia to come over and hold him) Ooh, headrush. Been sitting down too long. (Looking up) Sylvia…

Sylvia: (Smiling) It's… actually you this time. (Getting teary)

Squishy: Well of course it's me, honey. Not like there's any other Jawas around, heheh. Say, that was you, wasn't it? The singing I heard that woke me up from… my confinement. It was beautiful, dear. You sing mellow J-pop like a dream. (She starts to cry) Ah no no no, please don't cry! I'm sorry I took so long, but I didn't know which way to go and I got, er, detained. Didn't think I'd get held up enough to force you to come looking for me.

Sylvia: No no no. (Laughs and wipes tears) It's not that. It's just… I'm just so, so very hap—

Acc: No…

(They all look at the Accountant, who is shaking his head and staring at the ground with mad eyes)

Acc: In, inconceivable. This, this is just absurd. Ha ha, it cannot be. (Grips head with a hand) Preposterous. Unthinkable. (Brings up other hand) Unacceptable! Absolutely ludicrous!

Will: What's going on with him?

Acc: He DARES do such a thing as, as _this_! (Glares at them wildly) This is not how it's supposed to work! This is NOT the way it's supposed to be resolved! This is an unauthorized _deus ex machina_ , not to mention utter trite contrived poppycock! He knew of His intent, the new direction, yet he interferes yet again. Him and his insipid love songs, dismantling and undoing MY HARD WORK through these flippant starry-eyed upstarts!

Steezy: Whoa, this dude's got to chill.

Cope: Methinks he's just become the nitpicky variant of the Contractor.

Acc: I am not nitpicking! There are rules and protocols to follow yet here you are carrying out your creator's selfish objections and being willy-nilly to have your way even though THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! Not HERE, not in OUR realm! You made a mockery of His Design and my authority with your schmaltzy, uninspired music number!

Anna: Ah go suck a lemon you sourpuss.

Acc: FIE ON YOU! I'll show him. I'm correcting this ONCE AND FOR ALL! HeeYA!

(Slams down his cane and in a burst of electricity his garb changes to the black robes of a judge with spiked shoulders, with sparks lacing over the edges of the fabric. His cane had also changed into a staff topped with a judge's gavel. He has calmed down considerably)

Acc: Along with being the face of wisdom, I also hold the powers to pass the Master's judgment whatever I deem deserving of it. Thus I hereby sentence you cretins to be scrapped entirely with no chance of ever being recycled. This sentence shall be carried out immediately and with utmost severity.

Squishy: Hey, you've messed with my friends enough already!

Acc: Still your tongue! In my eyes your worth has plummeted to that of your friends: That of mere fictional fragments of thought and emotion. You all compose a story of no meaningful significance or appeal better off erased and forgotten. Face it: You're all old hat.

Rick: You wanna repeat that, "Your Honor"?

Sally: We'll claw you down and chew you up!

Jo: The bombin' Joseph Webbol is never old hat!

Sylvia: We're here to stay whether you want it or not!

Squishy: Tell him, honey!

William Wallace: For Freedom!

All: YEAAAAH!

Acc: Bah. I will make you damn those words as I send you drifting down the river of Life's Dreaming.

(Waves palm. The place starts to warp wildly and spin while a weird noise is made. The spinning intensifies, the images blur and the noise grows incessant. Suddenly we're dropped onto a great barren landscape beneath an endless blue sky with no vegetation in sight. In the middle of this forsaken place, all the Jedi stand before the Accountant. A dry wind blows by)

Acc: You choose to resist, but for what good? You are literally nothing: Figments of the imagination. You, your friends and everything around you are illusions created for our amusement. Your lives are meaningless outside the universe you protect. You're only hurting yourselves.

Squishy: Our universe still matters to us, from _our_ viewpoint, and you lording about how meaningless we are won't change that!

Acc: Impudent sand dweller. The created must heed the word and law of their creator, otherwise they fall astray and inevitably meet destruction, either by their own hand or in upsetting the natural order.

Jo: Well we have a thing called free will, sucka.

Sara: We make our own laws.

Sylvia: Malignant gods have no right ruling people, and your attitude to testament as to why.

Squishy: We never fell in line with the Contractor. What makes you think we're going to listen to you?

Acc: (Sigh) I knew it was a mistake when you were allowed to inherit the Master's stubbornness. Very well: Your sentence will commence here. As punishment for your crimes in disobeying His Will, you are to face every one of your previous foes, each one returned to their full strength. A daunting task you Jedi cannot possibly survive.

Squishy: With everything we've been through, I sincerely doubt that. (To group) Guys, I'm not feeling too up to snuff after that snooze, so I'm letting you take care of things just a little longer. You can take over for me if you want, Steezy. Get in on the serious action for once.

Steezy: You sure you want to sit this one out, dude? Big showdown, all the gang here?

Will: That's our thing, doing it together.

Squishy: I'll still back you guys up. Because, after all, (Zoom in) We got God and Anime on our side for this one.

(Awkward silence from everyone)

Rick: Yeaaaaaah… Sure thing, Dad…

Squishy: Just stick together and stay focused, and this will be a cinch. (Leaps far back from everyone) Get ready to feel the noise! HIT IT!

(Guitar starts playing softly, then kicks up along with other instruments. When it does, every foe the Jedi have ever faced pop up all over, each plated in smooth steel. When the Jedi attack)

Squishy: _Fumi-komuze, akuseru_ (Original Sith Council)

 _Kake, hiki, wa naisa sou dayoo,_

 _Youru wo nu-ke-Ruuu!_ (Plants sprout up in places where enemies are slain)

 _Neiji-komu, sa saigo ni, Sashi-hiki zero_

 _Sa sou dayooo!_ (Darth Mousse)

 _Hibi wo kezuruuu!_

 _Kokoro wo sotto… hiraite guutto….._ (Darth Numa)

 _Hiki yosetaRAAA!_

 _Todokuyo kitto…. Tsutan yo motto saaaaaaa,_

 _AAAAAAAAA!_

(Talker clones leap in to attack)

 _Iki isoidEEEEE! ShiboritottEEEEE!_

 _Motsureru ashi dakedo mae yori zutto sou tokuE!_

 _UbaittottEEEE! TsukandattEEEEE!_

 _Kim ija nai nara imi wa naniosa,_

 _Dakara motto motto motto haruka KANATA!_

(Bump into X-Machine and Zowio, but rally)

Squishy: _Fumi-komuze, akuseru,_

 _Kake, hiki, wa naisa sou dayooo,_

 _Youru wo nukerUUU!_

(Cosplayers start flooding in)

 _Neji-komu, sa saigo ni. Sashi-hiki zero_

 _Sa sou dayooo!_

 _Hibi wo kezurUU!_

 _Kokoro wo sotto….. hiraite guuto….._

 _Hiki yosetarAAA!_

 _Todokuyo kitto….. tsutan yo motto saaaaa,_

 _AAAAAAA!_

(The Mega Man Bosses appear)

 _Iki isoidEEEE! ShiboritottEEEE!_

 _Motsureru ashi dakedo mae yoni zatto sou tokuEE!_

 _UbaitottEEEE! TsukandattEEEE!_

 _Kimi ja nai nara, im iwa naniosa,_

 _DakARAAAA!_

 _Haruka Ka-Na-TAAAAAA!_

(The likes of Vile and Fake Chris go down, leaving just the Accountant. He tosses out his staff, which grows and becomes a huge wooden automaton that attacks as the lyrics come back)

Squishy: _I-tsuwaaaaaruuuuu ko, to ni nareta,_

 _Kimi NO sekai woooooooo._

 _Muritsubusu, no sa shiroku._

 _ShirooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOooooouuuu!_

(The automaton falls to pieces, and the Jedi begin matching to the final drum beats toward the Accountant. He brings up his shield to fully encase himself, but to the final sounds of the guitar the Jedi strike at it in turn at full strength, causing it to shatter like glass. Accountant hits the freshly lush and fertile earth on his rump, surrounded by an expansive oasis. As the Jedi congregate before him, he looks at them from his sitting position with utter disbelief and a bit of shock)

Acc: Astounding… Such flair... For all of you to harbor the same desire to live, despite being supplementary fodder. When did you all become so distinct?

Sylvia: (Shakes head) You're looking at it all wrong. You see us as characters, figments of the imagination. But we're living beings just like you: We feel the same kinds of feelings, suffer from the same sensations of pain, even act stubborn and feel afraid. We have our own unique thoughts, attitudes, viewpoints on life, but you try to use us with as much indifference as with tools. And yet here you are, brought down by "mere figments".

Squishy: I understand where your master is coming from, though: You want to keep things and interesting. Have a reason to stay invested when something you're working on has become stale. I wrote fan fics way back and had those moments of doubt myself.

Will: Wait, really?

Anna: Shh!

Squishy: But it never sits well leaving a story unfinished just because you've gotten bored of it. You have to keep at it or that writer's block will never fully go away. An occasional break may be fine, but you shouldn't give up. I mean, if you take a moment, you can pull back and find a fresh perspective on the characters you have. See other things they're good at, things they can personally improve on, to make them stand out more. Because like in the real world, everyone has the capacity to be a main character of their own story.

Sylvia: Be it about a mother protecting her children and husband.

Steezy: The cool bro that helps out.

Anna: A lovable sadist still looking to kick butt and have a swell time.

Will: A gun nut turned sword-wielder keeping the peace.

Sara: The woman standing by her man and calling the shots.

Jo: A frickin' sex bomb!

Cope: Ace pilot combatant… still working out some anger issues.

Rick: A guy still trying to figure himself out.

Sally: A perky diva that takes crap from no one! Tee-hee.

Stan: A son looking up and seeing just what he's capable of.

John Bender: And a criminal.

Squishy: So that's what you're ultimately faced with now: People. Any other questions.

(Silence. Then the Accountant begins to chuckle and break into a warm, friendly chortle that lasts a good while. When he stops)

Acc: Oh, what a lark. Of all the places to have a Breakfast Club reference. But, I get your message. I can see why the Contractor's so endeared to you. (He stands back up and sorts himself by adjusting his glasses with a finger) Well this has certainly been a most interesting and remarkable encounter. You all put on quite the show. Indeed, still much potential in all of you. I shall make a personal note to the Master to leave you and your universe in the Contractor's hands. The Master will surely listen to me: I am his most trusted advisor, after all. And this scuffle will strengthen my argument considerably.

Sally: Thanks, mister!

Acc: And, let it be known that from this day forward you all have my undying respect. No further hostilities will come from my person, as I now consider you my friends. Let's shake to make it official. (Multiple hands sprout from his right arm)

Anna: Ooooookay….. Kinda gross.

(They all go to him and shake all his hands. Then they revert back to one)

Acc: With all that out of the way, I believe it is time for you all to return home.

Steezy: Sweet!

Cope: It's about dang time!

Stan: Woohoo!

Acc: The very least I can do for all the trouble you had to put up with and overcome. And who know: We may meet again someday and have time for a proper chat. I would certainly love the company.

Sylvia: We'll keep that in mind, thank you.

Acc: Lovely. Now, off you go. Your other friends are waiting. (Raises a hand and snaps fingers)

* * *

(The air is warm and calm. All the Jedi are sprawled about a beach at sunset near a large rock embedded in the sand. The sound of far off gulls accompany their stirs and groans)

Will: Ugh….. Where are we now?

Sylvia: This… This is Mon Calamari.

Steezy: Oh yeah. I've seen this place plenty.

Rick: Then we're back in our universe.

Cope: Thank god.

(Jo feels his bald scalp)

Jo: D****t; should've asked him to fix this. (Dejected)

Sylvia: Wait, where's Squishy?

(Something happens at the rock. A gold outline filled with yellow static forms, the static becoming a slumbering Squishy slumped against the rock. He stirs and looks around)

Squishy: Mmmm… Another nice nap. How bout the rest of you?

Sylvia: Squishy!

("Captivating Eyes" from FFIX plays as Sylvia rushes to Squishy and falls to give him a big embrace)

Squishy: Guess that's a definite yes, huh?

Sylvia: Oh Squishy… Why do you have to keep making jokes...

Squishy: Huh?

Sylvia: It was really difficult waiting those months for you, you know. I only had your words to go by and nothing else to keep me hoping, keep me coming back. You should have given me your lightsaber so I'd have had something to physically hold onto while you were gone.

Squishy: Oh, you know, that might've been a good idea. I might've been able to manage without it, come to think of it. But uh, ultimately I did come back to where I said to meet me, right? And you didn't have to worry about lugging it around for the, uh, months I was gone. I could've sworn it was only a few weeks, honest.

Sylvia: Even a few weeks would've been too long. (Caresses him) I just wish I had gone sooner, considering how fast we got you back. Would've saved me tons of restless days and heavy thoughts.

Squishy: Heh, yeah. Again, real sorry about that, hun. I greatly appreciate you for coming to save me. For all of you.

Sylvia:...It's just wonderful being able to feel you again. (Starts to cry as Squishy pats her back)

Squishy: There there. I missed feeling you too, my love.

(They quietly hold their embrace)

Sara: It's so sweet how this all turned out.

Anna: Those two were meant for each other, alright.

Cope: It legitimately makes me feel good we helped make this happen. And I would have to agree: They are perfect for one another.

Will: That's a shocker coming from you.

?: Well well, isn't this one touching reunion.

(They look up and floating above them is the Contractor in his white suit and cape, bearing a smirk on his face)

Anna: Contractor!

(The other Jedi get up and light their sabers for battle)

Cont: (Waves hands) Ay ay ay ay ay! Don't go ruining this happy moment over moi.

Jo: Yet you're here regardless to annoy us, no doubt!

Cont: Annoy you? Oh no no no. Why would I ever want to do that?

Anna: Don't try pulling that innocent crap on us! You've done plenty to piss us off!

Will: The Fanboys, Mega Man—

Rick: You possessed me!

Steezy: And my sis!

Stan: Yeah you b****rd!

Cont: Okay, the whole Rick thing was pretty extreme, but I meant no severe harm to you guys.

Sylvia: You made him kill people! And you tried to force Squishy into killing me!

Cont: (Hiss) Yeah, there was that too. But please understand, it was all for show: Just something to appease the boss.

Stan: Bull crap! You're hardly any different from the Financer!

Cont: (Gasp) Now you look here: I don't go busting my rump to make your existence all cozy just to be labeled as some heartless sadistic maniac!

Sara: The kidnappings and war and ludicrous body counts tell a different story!

Cont: I at least arranged those so that you guys would win in the end! In case you forgot what the Financer said, I did all those things keep my superior at bay and allow you to go on existing. It was all an ongoing act for the sake of your survival, you cockamamie putz'!

Will: Like we're gonna believe you, especially given everything you said while you were "acting".

Sylvia: If you cared for us that much, then you should have outright refused your superior!

Anna: You coulda fought back even! What I definitely recall from that Accountant guy, you're something of a favorite.

Sally: Yeah! What about that?

(Contractor makes to respond, but stops and looks ashamed)

Cont: I got no excuse for that one. I mean, I'm no match against the boss if I'm being honest, but I could have objected more instead of doing half-a**ed takeover plots that end up hurting you guys regardless. And for that, I'm sorry.

Jo: A little late, don't you think?

Cont: I know. And I deserve whatever mistrust and hate you have for me. But, you should know that holding a grudge isn't healthy. Also, whether you believe me or not, I'm completely on your side now.

Steezy: Really?

Cont: Yeah: That stunt you pulled with the dragon got the boss's attention, and seeing you knock down the Accountant, that's got him reconsidering your value. And as he's doing that, his given me the okay to manage this universe of yours my way. In other words, being the helpful if mischievous God role I've always wanted to be.

Sally: For reals?

Rick: How can we believe you won't turn malevolent?

Cont: Admittedly you can't fully take my word, but consider this: I _did_ send Steezy to save your sorry butts in that lab and ultimately rescue Squishy. Take that as you will.

Squishy: Contractor?

Cont: Ah, Squishy! Good to see ya, bud! It's been a while. You were pretty quiet there; you still recoverin' or something?

Squishy: Back when I freed you and I was falling, I could sense your feelings. I didn't see malice like in the Financer: I saw the desire to put things right. I believe what you're saying.

Sylvia: Squishy?

Cont: Ah yes, I remember that feeling as I was breaking out. It was a little upsetting seeing you go down like that, but it made me feel proud: For you to selflessly act in such a way for the sake of Sylvia and everyone else. Probably could've used more forethought, but that was still the sort of thing I'd expect from a good guy like you. A guy deserving all the happiness in the universe, which is why I'm blessing you, Sylvia, Stan, Rick, and Sal with my best wishes.

Stan: The Contractor's actually blessing us?

Sally: That's so weird…

Cont: And there's the rest of you guys: You're all pretty awesome yourselves! Each of you are well worth the time I spent compiling you. With my true self out and about, I'll be sure to have all of you get the proper amount of screen time and dynamism you deserve. No more randomness, unless you guys are still cool with it.

Jo: You know, some lighthearted silliness wouldn't be so bad, and neither would more of me.

Cont: Now we're getting somewhere! So the rest of you, care to give me a chance? I'll be good.

Anna: Ehhhhhh….. I'm still not sure. But if you do something again, we'll just whoop ya.

Will: I guess it's worth a shot.

Rick: But still keeping an eye on you.

Squishy: We'll take your word for now, anyways. Is that alright Sylvia?

Sylvia: I suppose. If you see goodness in him, then I guess we can go with it.

Cont: Great! We're all set. Except, there's still one thing not right about this picture.

Cope: And what's that?

Cont: It's the ending. The whole Chrono Trigger reunion deal is nice, but it doesn't quite pack that added "oomph" of closure. I can't go disappointing my loyal fans, especially for an episode as big as this one. So without moderation, whether you're ready or not, here comes one decked out ending brimming with greatness! (Starts a silly dance) Koo wap sim pa wah ee limpah! (It goes dark)

* * *

(We're shown a wasteland steeped in darkness. The ending version of "Eyes on Me" from FFVIII starts playing as a large anthropomorphic muffin woman strolls out into the light. She stumbles upon a prone figure on the ground. It's Chris dressed as Squall, except his entire lower half is tied up in multiple belts and there are used wads of tissue paper lying around him, which probably explains the contented smile on his sleeping face. The muffin woman kneels down beside him and rubs his face with a hand, then cries into his chest. When the music kicks up the land erupts into flowers and the clouds above part to reveal sun and blue skies. The muffin woman looks around in amazement, only for two hands to reach up and pull her down forcefully. We then see Chris awake and happily eating the muffin woman, blueberry gore splattered all over his face and hands. Looking closer at the blue fluids, we transition to an ocean and a pier. We see Duff McWhalan idly fishing at the far end of the pier before looking back at the commotion behind him. Launch Octopus is dancing about holding four fish and flaunting them at Jet Stingray and Metal Shark Player like a jackass, until Jet drives his legs into his crotch, which makes him crumple up and keel over. Duff shakes his head and chuckles heartily, but stops when a great shadow covers them. Above they see Jawa Home slowly spinning and sailing through the sky gracefully. Duff gives a smile in its direction)

(Now we turn to a grassy plain where Ted of Geek Squadron looks out over the landscape. He brings up a hand and looks at a scar on his wrist, which takes him back to the night he met Grand Mock Talker on those plains. Talker and some nerds are rounding up recruits and Ted, wearing glasses and braces, comes up to Talker looking all nervous. Talker at first seems friendly, but when Ted moves to leave Talker grabs him and slaps a handcuff on his wrist. Ted, confused, looks up to see Talker holding up his end of the cuffs with an evil grin on his face. He then starts beating Ted into submission with a back. Back to the present, Ted walks up to a lone gravestone labeled "Here lies Grand Mock Talker: Galaxy's Greatest A**hole. Will never be missed". Ted shifts his pants a bit, then we see a stream of urine defiling the grave. Once done, Ted turns around to see Bill and John waiting for him from a distant hill. Hugo is coming to Ted waving to him, except he's dressed like Ellone. Ted waves back, but Hugo looks up to see the passing Jawa Home. We get a last shot of Ted looking at the flying station as the singing ends and flower petals cover the screen)

(The main theme of Final Fantasy plays as the credits finally start to roll. To one side of the screen we see home video recordings of a party on Jawa Home as the camera gets passed around, starting with Steezy. We see the Jedi chatting with Sylvia and Squishy, Jo wearing an awful toupe that gets some sniggers. They meet Admiral Ackbar and what appears to be his… daughter? Or likely his niece. Chris is also there, accompanied by a taped-together muffin corpse. Duff and his unit is there and so is Geek Squadron. When Jo gets the camera he uses it to gaze at various women, only to get berated by Anna who smacks him, knocking off his toupe which gets thrown around to his embarrassed dismay. Finally the camera ends up in Squishy's hands, and as the music nears the end we see him and Sylvia walking down a corridor. The camera gets placed upon a dresser in a darkened room, and from its viewpoint we watch Squishy getting into bed with Sylvia. They start moving around when the message "Error! Imminent Lizard Sex! Shut Down! Shut Down!" flashes on the screen before shutting off in time with the music)

* * *

 _For every story there is an end. And with it there is a beginning and a continuation. The purpose of life is however you make it. Take the time to create: Live life to the fullest and never hold back. That goes especially for you two. Peace._

\- Contractor ©

 **END**


End file.
